John met Sarah at a happy-hour event. She was surrounded by a group of men, but John got some eye contact from her and shared a quick introduction and small talk.  It was apparent she was not “with” any of these men, although each one was interested in her.  John was enamored by Sarah’s bright eyes, her smile, her gestures, her voice – by everything about her. He felt compelled (an urgency in his body) to get a moment with her as she walked toward the door to depart.  He gave her his card.  (He knew that was lame.) Of course, she did not call him.  He saw her weeks later at the same event.  He asked for her number and declared his interest.  She said she “was not dating right now.” John expressed understanding and acceptance. But he did not really understand if Sarah was just not into him or if this was actually a “bad time” (whatever that meant) for her.  John had done his part to initiate but did not know Sarah’s “situation” or what she was actually thinking and feeling.  And he never would.

What Are ‘Spontaneous’ and ‘Response’ Desire?

“Spontaneous” and “response” desire are research terms related to the sexual psychology of men and women.  They reflect behavioral expressions of biological sex differences (hormones and brain), evolutionary mating strategies, sex “drive” differences, differences in sexual “context” setting, and functioning of the modern-day dating and mating economy.

When the spontaneous desire of men encounters the response desire of women, misunderstanding and frustration may ensue.  This blog explores research on sexual desire by Emily Nagoski* (Come As You Are, 2015) and is a companion to the blog post “Is Your Sexual Foot on The Accelerator or Brake?”   I will address issues of spontaneous vs. response desire related to long-term committed partners and supply and demand in the mating economy for initial mate selection and briefly return to John and Sarah before concluding.  But first, let’s revisit some of the science.

Sexual Excitation System (SES) and Sexual Inhibition System (SIS)

Emily Nagoski suggests both men and women have an excitation system (accelerator) and inhibition system (brake) for sexual activity.   She calls this the “dual control model.”  Think of this dual control as biological mechanisms for approach and avoidance.

Men Operate From Their Accelerator

Men operate primarily from their accelerator, or sexual excitation system (SES), constantly scanning the environment for anything sexually relevant.  The SES turns-on with anything a man sees (especially), hears, smells, tastes, or imagines.  The SES operates proactively — it approaches, pursues, and initiates spontaneously.

Women Are “Brake” Dominant

 The inhibition system or brake (SIS), in contrast to the SES, notices all potential threats in the environment and sends a signal to turn-off.  It is associated with fear of consequences and self-consciousness.  Women are decidedly SIS-dominant.  They respond to sexual opportunities only in the right context and when safety is assured.  They are quite content to rest in a cautious or neutral zone until the right stimulus is presented.  Out of sight, out of mind is the default position of response desire.

Spontaneous Desire is the Signature Feature of the Male Sex Drive

“Spontaneous desire” happens when the SES is fully activated.  The SES fuels spontaneous sexual pursuit with a sense of urgency and eagerness.   Male sexuality is “accelerator-dominant” and spontaneous by nature; it reacts, more than women, to sexually relevant stimuli independent of context and more commonly initiates.  Spontaneous desire is the signature feature of the male sex drive, fueled by testosterone and brain structures.  (See future blogs for further discussion of sex drive, sexual thoughts, and fantasies.)

When Arousal Meets a Great Context

“Response desire” occurs when one is willing to receive sexual interest although not initially feeling desire or sexual arousal.  The SES accelerator system is quiet; the SIS braking system is alert but not overly triggered. With sufficient sexual stimuli and appropriate context, response desire allows one (usually a woman) to move from a place of neutrality to being aroused and desirous of a sexual connection.   Because women are more “brake-dominant” in their sexual response, their desire more likely happens, in Nagoski’s words, “when [physiological] arousal meets a great context.”  For many women, subjective desire comes after physiological arousal, not before.  Rosemary Basson (author and Director of the University of British Columbia Sexual Medicine Program) says for many women, desire is not the cause of love-making, but rather the result.

Eighty-Five Percent of Women Are Response-Desire Dominant

According to Nagoski, 30 percent of women never experience spontaneous desire for sex, while 75 percent of men mostly experience spontaneous desire.   She says 55 percent of women experience a relative combination of spontaneous and response desire but ultimately concludes (Come As You Are, p. 307) that 85 percent of women are response-desire dominant.

Context Is Everything for Women

Nagoski says context for women is made of two things:  

1) the circumstances of the present moment – whom you are with, where you are, whether the situation is novel or familiar, risky or safe, and

2) a woman’s brain state in the present moment:  whether she is relaxed or stressed, trusting or not, loving or not, at that moment. 

“The evidence is mounting that women’s sexual response is more sensitive than men’s to context, including mood and relationship factors, and women vary more from each other in how much such factors influence their sexual response.”  (Come As You Are, p.  75).  For women, a great context can create subjective arousal; a bad context can prevent it entirely.

Desire Patterns in Long-term Relationships

The “collision” or “collaboration” of these two desire patterns can create interesting challenges in heterosexual sexual relating, especially in sustaining desire in long-term monogamous relationships.

For maintaining mutual desire in a long-term monogamous relationship, Esther Perel, (author of Mating in Captivity and leading expert in couple’s psychotherapy) recommends developing autonomy “inside of” the relationship in order to create a space for “wanting” what you don’t have.   John Gottman, in contrast, recommends (The Science of Trust) deepening intimacy as a doorway to the erotic life in a long-term monogamous relationship.   Perel says “build a bridge to cross” fueled by “wanting” and Gottman says “build a bridge together” fueled by “having.”

Increase Activation of Accelerator and Decrease Activation of the Brake

Nagoski says either of these strategies may accomplish the same overall goal:  increasing activation of the accelerator and decreasing activation of the brake.  The goal of both approaches is to sustain curiosity.  Perel suggests we sustain curiosity about our partner when we view them from a distance.  Gottman suggests we sustain curiosity about the nature of pleasure in the context of commitment.

Take Control of the Context

It is clear that passion does not happen automatically in a long-term relationship. But passion can happen if the couple takes deliberate control of their context.  Neither the strategy of distance nor the strategy of deepening intimacy by itself will nullify the foundational, biological difference between spontaneous male desire and response-oriented female desire.

Spontaneous and Response Desire in the Brain

Differences in brain structure between men and women relate to the spontaneous and response desire systems.  Men, in general, have a higher baseline of activity in the older part of the brain, the limbic system, which makes them particularly alert during the first stage of seduction, according to the renowned physician and author, Marianne Legato (Why Men Die First).

Area of Sexual Pursuit is 2.5 Times Larger In Males

The medial preoptic area (MPOA), found in the hypothalamus, is related to sexual pursuit and is 2.5 times larger in males, according to neuropsychiatrist, Louann Brizendine (The Male Brain).  Men also show greater activity in the visual cortex when perceiving erotic pictures, reflecting a gender-specific visual mechanism for sexual selection.

Female Amygdala and Cautious Sexual Response

The brain’s danger and alert system is the amygdala.  While larger in males, the female amygdala seems to be more sensitive to the fear of consequences, modulating a more cautious sexual response.

Fear of Punishment and Sexual Anxiety in the Female Brain

Another part of the brain, the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), creates a more response-dominant neurological foundation for women.  According to Brizendine, the ACC is the worrywart, fear-of-punishment area, and center of sexual performance anxiety.  It weighs options, detects conflicts, and motivates decisions.  The ACC is also the area for self-consciousness; the ACC is bigger in women.

Spontaneous and Response Desire is Predicted in Human Mating

The difference in male and female desire patterns is extremely relevant to the operation of the dating and mating economy.  Spontaneous desire and response desire are aligned with the short-term mating strategy of men, the long-term mating strategy of women (respectively), and the biological foundation of the sexual accelerator and brake.   Spontaneous desire for men and response desire for women are predicted by human mating strategies as defined in the fields of evolutionary psychology and biological science.

A man’s short-term mating strategy fuels desire for contact with women for any possible chance of a romantic or sexual encounter.   A women’s long-term strategy creates caution and selectivity in accepting male advances.  The reasons for this evolutionary adaptation are central tenets of mate selection science.   (See Human Mating Strategies and What is Mate Selection Science? pages.)

Supply and Demand of Spontaneous and Response Desire

Men (mostly) sell.  Women (mostly) buy.  In the human mating economy, the buyer (female chooser) significantly controls the marketplace; men spontaneously pursue, women respond when ready.  The difference between buyer and seller in the sexual marketplace determines motivation, behavior, and the experience of sexual scarcity or abundance.

Sex is (Relatively) an Abundant Resource for Women

Sex for most women (during their fertile years) is an abundant resource; it is not in short supply.  It is a need (subject to self-imposed selection preferences) that can almost always be met.  Therefore, there is no need to attend to it (out of sight, out of mind).  There is no need to respond to any particular man if conditions are not perfect and that man is not preferred (in that moment) over other men available in her dating pool.   At another moment in time, Sarah might respond to John. 

Conclusion

Sexual relating between men and women often hinges on the “dance” between spontaneous desire and response desire – the “undercurrents” of strategy and preference in dating and mating.   Desire patterns are biologically based with evolutionary roots (human mating adaptations for reproduction and survival of children).  Understanding sex differences in spontaneous and response desire is a pathway for awareness, empathy, and behavior change that will improve heterosexual relationships.

Notes

Emily Nagoski is the former Director of Wellness Education at Smith College where she taught Women’s Sexuality.  She is a respected author and expert in the field of sexuality — writing, speaking, and training internationally.

If you are tracking along with these blogs (in addition to reading pages on the main menus!), you will notice I have cited (so far) male-female differences related to:

• subjective vs. physiological arousal,
• sexual excitation vs. inhibition,
• spontaneous vs. response desire,
• sex “drive,” 
• influence of situational context, and
• overall mating strategies.

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