Yes, sex can be funny.  Stereotypes about men and women can be amusing.  Even relationship conflict can be (painfully) hilarious.  Anything with a kernel of truth that resonates with your personal experience can be funny and bring a feeling of recognition and being understood.

Sex and romance have inspired humorous musings by writers, philosophers, artists and comedians throughout time.  The joy and agony of “love” have often been exalted or exorcised with comical observation.   Here are a few quips that might make you laugh or make you think.  We need this particular humor to survive our human condition – to recognize the differences between men and women and the universality of our quest for sexual fulfillment.  Mostly, we need to laugh at ourselves in order to survive the whole thing.

Note: Future blogs in this category will explore serious relationship topics in a humorous light and the importance of humor itself in the science of attraction and sex.  For now, let’s get the laugh reflex (or smile muscles) going with some funny observations and quotes.

50 Funny Quotes About Sex, Love, and Relationship (Volume 1):

1. “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.”  — Lynn Lavner
2. “It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” — George Burns
3. “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”  — Sharon Stone
4. “Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”  — Barbara Bush
5. “Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams
6. “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say women are too judgmental where, of course, men are just grateful.” – Robert De Niro
7. “There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.  They say they cause severe swelling.  So what’s the problem?”  – Dustin Hoffman
8. “It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” – Joan Rivers
9. “You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.” — Emo Phillips
10. “Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”  — Oscar Wilde
11. “I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”  – Woody Allen
12. “My heart’s in the right place. I know cuz I hid it there.”  — Carrie Fisher
13. “You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.” – Dolly Parton
14. “Good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere.” – Helen Gurley Brown
15. “A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he is not very bright.” – Lucille Ball
16. “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” — Groucho Marx
17. “It’s no good pretending than any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to one another if they met at a party.” — Nick Hornby
18. “Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful, and natural experiences that money can buy.” — Steve Martin
19. “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good.” — Woody Allen
20. “Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.” —  John Callahan
21. “It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” – Marilyn Monroe
22. “My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
23. “I remember the first time I had sex. I kept the receipt.” – Groucho Marx
24. “Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.” (source deleted)
25. “We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” – Lily Tomlin
26. “What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.” – Mike Birbiglia
27. “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” — Joan Rivers
28. “God gave me both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” — Robin Williams
29. “Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes.” – Jerry Seinfeld
30. “I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.” – Chelsea Handler
31. “If we take matrimony at its lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognized by the police.” – Robert Louis Stevenson
32. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” — Groucho Marx
33. “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.  A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing.  She goes on Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” — Henny Youngman
34. “Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it’s good, it’s good.  When it’s bad, you get it on your shirt.”  – Mike Birbiglia
35. “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night.” – Woody Allen
36. “Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from.” – Nora Ephron
37. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock
38. “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes, she’s a tramp.” — Joan Rivers
39. “Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.” — Groucho Marx
40. “Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.” — Dave Attel

     

    From Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Don’t Read Maps by Allan and Barbara Pease

41. “Once I didn’t talk to my wife for six months,” said the comedian. “I didn’t want to interrupt.
42. “Men hate criticism – that’s why they like to marry virgins.”
43. “Men give their penis a name because they don’t want a stranger making 99 percent of their decisions for them.”
44. “You’re a lousy lover!” she said. “How can you tell in two minutes?” he asked.
45. “Men prefer looks to brains because most men can see better than they can think.”
46. “Men fantasize about having sex with two women. Women fantasize about it too – so they’ll have someone to talk to when he falls asleep.”
47. “Men don’t fake orgasm – no man wants to make a face like that on purpose.”
48. “Most women prefer sex with the lights out – they can’t bear to see a man enjoying himself.”
49. “Ray plays his wedding video backward. He says it’s so he can see himself walk out of church a free man.”
50. “Marriage has its good side. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, tolerance, self-restraint, and other valuable qualities you wouldn’t need if you stayed single.”

Dear reader, keeping laughing at yourself.  That is actually sexy and good for your health.  Please send me your funny quips and quotes about sex and relationships.  I will give you credit, and we can increase the laughter for everyone in Volume 2. 

Thanks!

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