Double Binds Imposed On Men

Competing Intentions Inside the Female Long-term Mating Strategy

“I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?” 
 ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

A double bind is when you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t, and damned if you say anything about it.

Double binds imposed on men result from an attempt by heterosexual women to reconcile two concurrent and often incompatible components of their long-term mating strategy.  Women want both power/resources and kindness in their mates.  Women have a natural attraction and sexual charge for alpha traits (which are preeminently desired) but also have a secondary need for safety and loyalty (beta traits) to ensure long- term mating success and ongoing provision and protection of children.

These competing intentions cause double binds for men wanting to please a woman who may be confused from moment to moment, or in a constant state of dilemma and tension (what evolutionary psychologists call the “trade-off” problem), about what she wants and needs.  The “trade-off” problem has become particularly acute within the female psychic during the modern era of female empowerment and feminist cultural framing; the “shadow self” of female biological imperatives has become more hidden yet prone to “leak out” with mixed messages to the surface of present-day male-female mate selection and romantic-sexual relating.

It is in the nature of a double bind that the recipient may not be able to confront the inherent dilemma and therefore cannot comment on the conflict (an “undiscussable”), resolve it, or easily opt-out of the situation.  (See Undiscussables.) Double standards and hypocrisy may also be part of this communication challenge.  The first step in addressing a double bind is to see it and name it for what it is.

The following double binds are tendencies along a continuum of frequency and severity.  There is an overlap between them with nuanced distinctions of meaning. To be clear, not all women consciously hold and deliver even one of these contrary messages, and probably no woman does them all.  There is no assertion here of the universality of this female behavior or even it’s status as a statistical stereotype; there is just anecdotal (and/or survey) evidence that each one of these double binds has been observed and may be lurking underneath the contemporary tension between men and women in heterosexual relationships.

In a Woman’s Voice:

1. “I want full equality of economic power and opportunity but I also want to mate with a man who has as much or more power than me, and preferably more power than other men.”

• I will rail against gender power inequality while I actually want to partner and have sex with a man who is at the top of the power hierarchy.
• I will espouse a preference for a man of character but actually prioritize, and not disclose, my desire for a man who has status and power.
• I want a man who embraces feminist positions politically while being an alpha among his peers.

2. “Please share your tender emotional life with me.   Share your needs and be vulnerable, but your vulnerability and neediness may turn me off.”

• I might even beg you to share these tender emotions, as a conscious or unconscious test of your internal strength, personal boundaries, sense of self, and resilience.

• Your vulnerability may be requested but your self-confidence is an absolute need for a sexual charge; your lack of self-confidence is a deal-breaker!
• Your vulnerabilities or insecurities, especially if shared in the courting phase, will invoke my caretaking instinct and I won’t want to make love to you.  Any hint of “wounded-ness” or “victimhood” will destroy my initial attraction unless your resource provision is quite strong.  If I had to choose, I prefer your neurosis to be a “fear of engulfment” vs. a “fear of abandonment.” Be aloof but never needy.
• When I say I want you to be more emotionally expressive, what I mostly want are general expressions of love, listening, and investments of time, attention, and shared activity that can strengthen the relationship bond.

3. “Share your irritations and frustrations too, (I will ask you for that) but do not raise your voice or share your anger because your anger actually scares me.”

• Your sadness and fear are acceptable in small amounts (although potentially a turn-off) but your anger is not allowed.

4. “Give me help, but as a modern empowered woman, I don’t need your help.”

• Please have the willingness and capacity to give me help, to provide, be generous, be chivalrous, and offer protection.   (I prefer that you offer to pay for most everything and never expect me to pay for you.)  I do not want to embrace the role of “receiver of gifts” even though it turns me on.
•  I want to be seen as taking care of myself.  Yet, I desire (perhaps secretly) for a man who can protect and take care of me.   Provide for me in some way but do not patronize or disempower me as you do that.
• Please help around the house!  But your domestication may remove my sexual charge for you.

5. “Please desire me for my beauty, but don’t objectify me or over-identify with my physical traits.”

• I want to be thought beautiful (and sometimes objectified in sexual play) by the few men I desire and fantasize about.  Please desire me erotically; being desired is like oxygen; “being desired is the orgasm.”  (Marta Meana)
• I do not want to be treated as a sex object or thought of sexually by men I am not attracted to or have not pre-chosen.  If you are a low-status male (the “losers and creeps”), you have no permission to desire me.  I see you as repulsive and even sinister.
• I might hate it when men “look me over,” yet it is also true that I do not want to be overlooked generally.  I do not want to be erotically invisible.

6. “I occasionally want to be sexually controlled, ravaged, and objectified by men I desire in order to experience the freedom of surrender; but they must keep me safe.”

• Be dominant but keep me safe.  I want to submit, but only on my terms with a man I have chosen.
• “Being taken” also allows me to abdicate my responsibility to risk or own my sexuality.

7. “I want a man who has power, status, and authority (I will not question too much about how you got it) but who is sensitive to me as an exception.”

• I want a “beast” for protection — who is “dangerous” to others but not to me.
  Authors attempting to name this dilemma or integration: “tender-defender” in Mate, (Miller and Max), “macho-caretaker” in The Unmade Bed (Stephen Marche), “noble badass” (Allana Pratt, sex author, and coach), “nice and dominant”, (Gabrielle Moore, sex author, and coach) and “tamed beast” (author and couples’ psychotherapist, Esther Perel).  Glenn Geher in Mating Intelligence Unleashed (p. 183) describes the “ideal man” as having both assertiveness and kindness; this man is dominant within the context of competition yet “prestigious” with self-assurance and caring.
• Be attentive and kind but provoke my desire with mystery, risk, and adventure.

8. “I espouse disdain for “dark triad” traits of high-status men (narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathology) but will often reward them with my attraction and allegiance.”

• I will convince myself that this kind of man is ok for me.  I will give him a long leash until he really abuses me, and then I will try to escape.
• I am repelled by the harasser but sometimes attracted to the power he wields.

9. “I demand that you continue to produce (first and foremost), but I will be upset if you are not more available physically or emotionally for a balanced home life.”

• You must produce, but do not put your work first.
• “Women expect men to be accountable for protection and provider-ship without giving them veto power in that realm.”  (Alison Armstrong)

10. “Please, please me sexually and otherwise, but don’t attempt to please me too much because you will seem needy and that will destroy my sexual charge.”

• Take charge of your own desire, (I need to feel your self-confidence) but act in a way that matches what I want and need if I took charge.  Please yourself (that is actually most sexy), but don’t be selfish.
• Know how to please me sexually, but don’t ask too much; I don’t want to have to tell you.  Ask permission and for consent, but if you ask permission too much it just might undermine the potency of my desire for you.

11. “Please don’t need me too much, contact me too much, or be “clingy,” and yet, you must pursue me.”

• I do want to be “needed” (somewhat) in a relationship, but mostly I just want to be desired.
• But any man who needs me too much, who will let me abuse or control them, is not a man I want to be in a relationship with.  “I might have loved you if you would have been a person who would not have me.”
• Your jealousy is a sign of commitment and your jealousy is a sign of weakness.
• I prefer you to be aloof instead of needy, yet I might complain about your level of commitment.

12.  So, “please don’t be an (overly) nice guy who is too agreeable and obedient (that is not sexy), yet don’t be a “jerk” or “toxic” (which is sexy sometimes, but I am embarrassed to talk about how bad boys turn me on).

13. “Take the lead and choose.  Be a man who knows what he wants.  But please let me choose and make decisions.”

• I often want you to choose what we do, but I might be irritated if you don’t choose “right.”

14. “Respect my boundaries and know what I have consented to (especially sexually) even though I often do not know what I want to consent to.”

• My desire is transitory and may only emerge in the interaction, or after the fact. Sometimes I discover things I want that I did not know I wanted. Sometimes I discover things I thought I wanted but don’t. In either case, I am not always able to clearly express my desires.