It Takes A Village – Alloparenting and Female Sexual Fluidity

It Takes A Village – Alloparenting and Female Sexual Fluidity

by | Sep 27, 2021 | Sexuality, Women's Issues

Being born with the ability to go both ways may have been beneficial to ancestral women ~ Barry Kuhle

Same-sex sexual behavior poses an evolutionary puzzle.  Reproduction is the engine of evolution.  Given the primacy of reproduction, why would sexual selection motivate women to engage in sexual behaviors with other women?

Alloparenting – A Proposed Cause of Female Sexual Fluidity

The theory of alloparenting is a proposed ultimate cause of female sexual fluidity.  It suggests that sexual fluidity increased ancestral women’s ability to form pair bonds with female alloparents who helped rear children to reproductive age.  Under this view, most heterosexual women are born with the capacity to form romantic bonds with both sexes.

The alloparenting hypothesis (and this post) is based on the research and writing of evolutionary psychologist Barry Kuhle at the University of Scranton.

Sexual Fluidity Defined

As noted in my last post, Ultimate and Proximate Causes of Female Sexual Fluidity – the Wisdom of Evolutionary Psychology, Lisa Diamond defines sexual fluidity as “situation-dependent flexibility in women’s sexual responsiveness that makes it possible for some women to experience desires for either men or women under certain circumstances, regardless of their overall sexual orientation.” Sexual fluidity is described as a conditional adaptation designed to promote opposite-sex sexual behavior in certain situations and same-sex sexual behavior in other situations.

Precursor to Proximate Causes – Men and Women Are Not the Same

In upcoming posts, Mating Straight Talk will address proximate causes (situations and immediate factors in the environment) of female same-sex behavior.  For now, let’s set the foundation of how or why female sexual fluidity was a mechanism for evolution that may have been the precursor to all proximate causes.

The nature of female sexual fluidity and occurrence of female alloparenting underscores this highest level take-away:  men and women are not the same (in aggregate) in their mating strategies and sexual responsiveness.  The sooner we really get that, the sooner a kind of healing between men and women can begin.

Ultimate Causation

What is meant by an ultimate cause? Ultimate causes of human behavior come from our ancestral past and address behavior or psychological processes that were adaptive for survival-based natural selection or reproduction-based sexual selection.

Ancestral Women Faced Problems of Paternal Investment

Ancestral women recurrently faced the adaptive problems of securing resources and care for their offspring.  They were frequently confronted with either a shortage of paternal resources due to their mates’ death, an absence of paternal investment due to rape, or divestment of paternal resources due to their mates’ extra-pair mating efforts. Fluid sexuality would have helped ancestral women secure resources and care for their offspring by promoting the acquisition of allomothering investment from unrelated women. Same-sex sexual responsiveness was triggered when inadequate paternal investment occurred or when women with alloparenting capabilities were encountered.   Perhaps this is true in modern times; the salient point (of this hypothesis) is that alloparenting and same-sex female sexuality was linked for thousands of years.

What the Alloparenting Hypothesis is Not

Kuhle is emphatic about what the alloparenting hypothesis is not:

  1. The alloparenting hypothesis is not intended to explain the evolutionary significance of a homosexual sexual orientation. Instead, it aims to account for same-sex sexual behavior among heterosexually-identified (What I called “mostly straight” or “hetero-flexible” women in Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity, Presentation, and Biological Sex.)
  1. The hypothesis is not intended to explain all occurrences of same-sex sexual behavior in women. The broad scope of same-sex behavior by women and the practices of self-identified lesbians do not necessarily rely on alloparenting as the primary cause.
  1. The hypothesis does not claim that all same-sex sexual behavior serves to promote alloparenting. Alloparenting is not the inevitable result of female same-sex behavior.
  1. The hypothesis does not imply that same-sex sexual behavior is the only route to alloparenting. Rather, the theory suggests that alloparenting is one sexual selection adaptation that encouraged sexually fluid mating by facilitating and sustaining bonds between mothers and allomothers.
  1. The hypothesis does not equate fluid sexuality with a chosen sexuality (as explained by Lisa Diamond in Sexual Fluidity, 2008; to be discussed in-depth in my next post). Although Kuhle postulates the existence of mating mechanisms that promote flexibility in women’s sexual responsiveness, no conscious choice is invoked or implied.
Alloparenting in Monkeys

Alloparenting is particularly common in our primate cousins.  Among squirrel monkeys, relatives and non-kin engage in alloparenting and allonursing of infants to free up time for the genetic mother to forage, find potential mates, and scour the vicinity for predators.

Among Japanese macaques, mothers allow females in the group to hold and care for their offspring. These allomothers help macaque mothers hunt, babysit, and protect infants who are very susceptible to predators. Genetic mothers and allomothers engage in frequent grooming behavior and may stay together for their entire lives. Female Japanese macaques also engage in same-sex sexual behavior, but such behavior did not promote alloparenting in a captive colony.

Alloparenting by Bonobos

Although it was once thought that non-human great apes did not alloparent, growing evidence now suggests that such behavior occurs in at least one of our great ape cousins, the bonobo.  Bonobos are 98.7% genetically similar to humans and engage in substantial alloparenting, primarily by females. Bonobo females form strong pair bonds that last the duration of their lives.  When a female reproduces, other females are significantly involved in the life of the young bonobo.

Food sharing, French Kissing, and Genital Rubbing

Food sharing is an essential component of alloparenting and one that bonobos engage in regularly. To cement pair bonds within the troop, female bonobos engage in various forms of sex with troop members, especially with females who may serve as allomothers.

Bonobo females frequently partake in a unique behavior called genito-genital (GG) rubbing, in which two females rub their prominent clitorises and genitals together. They often reach orgasm and have been observed to eye gaze with each other and hold hands during the activity, suggesting that bonding occurs. Bonobo females also engage in French kissing, releasing hormones such as oxytocin that may help individuals bond.

Bonobo Family

Bonobo Alloparenting – Friends with Benefits

Bonobo females know how to hang out together:  food sharing, French kissing, and genital rubbing – now that’s a good date!  Given the ubiquity of alloparenting and same-sex sexual behavior in bonobos, it is possible that GG rubbing and other same-sex sexual acts facilitate the acquisition of alloparent care.

Alloparenting in Humans

The human infant is tremendously dependent on its caregivers to survive and thrive. Without prolonged investment from two parents, infants and young children are more likely to die before reaching reproductive age.

Anthropologist Sarah Hrdy suggests that without cooperation from both kin and non-kin alloparents, humans may have been unable to flourish as a species because human infants are so helpless. “Alloparental care and provisioning set the stage for children to grow up slowly and remain dependent on others for many years, paving the way for the evolution of anatomically modern people with even bigger brains,” Hrdy said.

Help From Non-kin Women

Close kin are not always the dominant allo-caregiver; unrelated women often contribute substantial allomothering across cultures. Non-kin women are especially likely to alloparent if they have offspring. For example, Efé mothers of the Democratic Republic of the Congo cooperate in raising offspring by gathering and preparing food, watching for predators, and ensuring adequate shelter is sustained. This allomothering has been shown to increase the likelihood of Efé infants’ survival. Among the Aka and Nganda tribes in Central Africa, it was observed that when allomothers are available, they are always utilized.

Alloparenting Mitigated Four Adaptive Problems

According to Kuhle, sexual fluidity and the acquisition of allomothers mitigated the costs of four adaptive problems that caused a deficiency of paternal investment:   

(1) an absence of paternal investment due to rape,

(2) reduced paternal investment due to paternal defection,

(3) reduced paternal investment due to paternal death, and

(4) reduced paternal investment due to a dilution of resources.

Absence of Paternal Investment Due to Rape

Rape was a recurrent feature of our ancestral past, occurred throughout recorded human history, occurs in all human cultures, and has been documented in numerous non-human primates and other animals.*

Rape circumvented a woman’s ability to exercise mate choice; its reproductive costs were catastrophic. Rape could have left ancestral women impregnated but without investment from the father or his relatives.

Rape also caused the potential loss of a primary partner and damaged a woman’s ability to choose and acquire quality mates in the future.

Reduced Paternal Investment Due to Paternal Defection

Men have evolved preferences for women with characteristics indicative of high reproductive value. As men get older, research suggests they prefer and marry women who are increasingly younger.  Ancestral men who defected from their middle-aged mates by mating with younger women would likely have reallocated their resources and protection to younger women. The evidence that fathers who leave their wives and children invest less in those children than fathers who remain with their family is consistent with this suggestion.

Reduced Paternal Investment Due to Paternal Death

Higher male mortality and men’s tendency to mate with women younger than them, were likely features of our evolutionary history.  Men’s earlier death would have prevented them from protecting and investing in their mates and any offspring their mates bore near the time of their deaths.   Widowed mothers would likely have incurred diminished mate values that inhibited their ability to acquire quality replacement mates.

Reduced Paternal Investment Due to a Dilution of Resources

Polygynous mating systems (state or practice of a man having two or more wives) were likely a part of our ancestral history.  In modern times, 84% of 853 societies studied were found to permit polygyny — 44% considered it the preferred mating system. In polygynous mating systems, co-wives of ancestral men who acquired additional wives may have experienced a reduction of paternal investment due to the dilution of their husband’s time, investment, and protection across co-wives. As men aged, they may have divested in their established mates to free resources they could invest into new potential mates.

Men Less Averse to Women’s Same-sex Behavior

Within polygynous mating systems, male psychology is designed to be less averse to a female mate’s homosexual affair than a heterosexual affair.  Men’s common fantasy of simultaneously mating with multiple women is an outgrowth of a male psychology designed to promote their mates’ same-sex sexual behavior and may be positively correlated to the practice of female alloparenting.

Why Sexual Behavior is Connected to Alloparenting

Why does same-sex sexuality promote or correlate with alloparenting?  Let’s go back to our randy bonobo cousins. Sex is an effective means of forming, increasing, and sustaining pair bonds between people. Sexual behavior with men generally promotes women’s feelings of commitment to them. A similar process of sexual behavior-induced commitment is likely to occur between female partners. Committed partners make good alloparents.

Impetus to Design Female Sexual Fluidity

There was a maximal selective impetus to design women’s sexual responsiveness to be fluid because it mitigated the four adaptive problems listed above. Fluid sexuality would have increased an ancestral woman’s likelihood of forming a pair bond with an unrelated woman who could help rear her children through alloparenting.  Ancestral mothers would have encountered women who exhibited strong alloparenting potential.

Paradox Resolved

As the engine of evolution is reproduction, same-sex sexual behavior poses a paradox. This paradox is resolved if, far from impeding reproduction, the trait in question actually facilitates it.

In light of the alloparenting hypothesis, a trait that formerly appeared maladaptive—sexual behavior between women—is recast as an adaptive outgrowth of sexual fluidity.

Summary

According to evolutionary psychologist Barry Kuhle, acquisition of alloparental care from other females would have helped ancestral women solve the adaptive problems of a lack of paternal resources due to rape, their mates’ death, their mate’s desertion, and a general divestment of resources by their mate.

Sexual fluidity may have been one way to solidify alloparent care.  From this perspective, most heterosexual women are born with the capacity to form romantic bonds with both sexes.

Same-sex sexual responsiveness is triggered when inadequate paternal investment occurs or when women with alloparenting capabilities are encountered. Being born with the ability to go both ways may have been beneficial to ancestral women.

Note

* Evolutionary psychology does not assert that what is true ought to be true (the “naturalistic fallacy”).  Obviously, the ubiquity of rape is abhorrent to our modern-day moral sensibility.  With rare exceptions, and rape may be one, evolutionary psychologists attempt to describe what human nature is like, not prescribe what humans should do. 

References

Diamond, L. M. (2008). Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. Harvard University Press.

Hrdy, S. B. (1999).  Mother Nature: A History of Mothers, Infants, and Natural Selection.  Pantheon Books.

Kuhle, B. & Radtke, S. (2013).  “Born both ways: The alloparenting hypothesis for sexual fluidity in women.”  Evolutionary Psychology, 11, 304-323.

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Ultimate and Proximate Causes of Female Sexual Fluidity – the Wisdom of Evolutionary Psychology

Ultimate and Proximate Causes of Female Sexual Fluidity – the Wisdom of Evolutionary Psychology

by | Sep 14, 2021 | Sexuality, Women's Issues

Problems arise when proximate explanations, like sociocultural theories, are used in place of ultimate explanations, or evolutionary theories, to explain human characteristics.  ~ Alex Mackiel

In my last post (First Principle: Acknowledge Male-Female Differences), I underscored the need to acknowledge differences between men and women in their sexual psychology and response in preparation for understanding sexual orientation and the sexual fluidity of women.  I outlined twenty-two domains of difference. Several of these domains (such as #15 – “influence of context”) directly clarify the causes and expression of female sexual fluidity, or as researcher Lisa Diamond describes it, the “situation-dependent flexibility in women’s sexual responsiveness.”  I will address all manifestations, causes, and effects of women’s sexual fluidity in future posts.

Thanks for Letting Me Set the Foundation

Today’s post is very “inside-baseball” and may have limited appeal to casual readers.  What follows is not popular, titillating, twitter-ready, easy-to-eat-like-candy fluff psychology.  Intellectual integrity and rigor demand that consideration of female sexual fluidity (in this particular cultural moment) revisit basic concepts of evolutionary psychology and address misconceptions about its tenets (see Appendix).  I explain and defend evolutionary psychology as an educator and reluctant contrarian to the dominant narratives of the academic social sciences and politically-correct thinking.  Reviewing concepts of evolutionary psychology will provide a foundation for understanding the biological and cultural adaptations of female sexuality.

Women’s Sexual Functioning Demonstrates Biological and Cultural Adaptations

Women’s sexual functioning includes sexual attractions, romantic affections, sexual practices/behaviors, and preference/orientation identities that are different from men’s sexual functioning due to biological and cultural adaptations.

Evolutionary Psychology Explains Biological and Cultural Adaptations

Basic tenets of evolutionary psychology (EP) undergird the arguments and evidence about female sexual fluidity (see What is Evolutionary Psychology?) and clarify the interplay of biological and cultural adaptations that operate in female sexual psychology and response. 

How or Why “Situations” Trigger Female Sexual Fluidity

If female sexuality is “situation-dependent,” we must understand not only what situations trigger same-sex attractions, bi-sexual identity, or hetero-flexible behavior, but how or why those situations operate as triggers.

Move “Upstream” to Understand Adaptations

Acknowledging the evolved behavioral differences between men and women is a “first principle” that explains the difference between the sexual psychology of men and women; it certainly explains different degrees of sexual fluidity.  But we might need to move “upstream” one step further to understand how behaviors become adaptive over thousands of years of human evolution.  We must clarify the difference between ultimate and proximate causes to completely understand modern-day female sexual fluidity.

Female Sexuality is Sensitive to Context

Female sexuality is dramatically sensitive to context.  Women are more context-dependent than men; all external circumstances of everyday life influence the context surrounding a woman’s arousal, desire, orgasm, choice of partner, and orientation identity.  Situation-dependent equals context-dependent.  Women’s “situation-dependent” sexual fluidity implies the power of proximate causes, but it does not eliminate the possibility of ultimate causes driven by evolutionary adaptation.

Causes of Sexual Fluidity and Patterns of Expression

My next post will address “ultimate” (evolutionary) causation theories for female sexual fluidity, such as the alloparenting hypothesis.  After that, I will handle the “juicy” stuff:  patterns of desire (and its three elements), sexual behavior, and sexual orientation identities.  Importantly, research suggests functional independence (potentially) of these patterns for any particular woman.  You can begin to see the possible permutations of female sexual expression.

Definition and Overview of Evolutionary Psychology

Evolutionary psychology (EP) is the study of human nature – meaning the study of evolved psychological mechanisms or psychological adaptations.  An adaptation is a product of evolution by natural and sexual selection that allows the human species to solve particular problems — most importantly, problems of survival and reproduction.  EP contends adaptations are behind most of our preferences, desires, and emotions and incline us to behave specific ways.  EP is particularly focused on behavior traits that appear to be universal across human populations.

Culture and Nature are Part of Evolutionary design

EP believes humans are born with an innate nature and that culture and learning are part of the evolutionary design and, thus, also innate.  This blend of intrinsic nature and culture is called the “dual inheritance” model of human evolution which explains how we are “structured prior to experience.”

Psychological Adaptations Operate Beneath Conscious Thinking

Psychological adaptations exist in the brain and operate primarily beneath conscious thinking.  For example, male sexual jealousy is an evolved psychological mechanism that prevents cuckoldry and investment in children who will not carry the man’s genes into the next generation.  EP explains human behavior in terms of the interaction between these evolved psychological mechanisms and the current environment in which they express themselves.

Adaptations Emerge at Appropriate Time

Adaptations do not need to appear at birth.  Many adaptations develop long after birth (e.g., walking by humans and development of female breasts).   With some exceptions, an adaptation “must emerge at the appropriate time during an organism’s life in reasonably intact form, and hence be characteristic of most or all of the members of a given species” (Buss, D.M. 1999, p. 36).

Proximate Causes Are Triggers for Female Sexual Fluidity

Evolutionary psychologists examine proximate and ultimate causes of behavior.  Proximate causes of behavior often include stimuli in the immediate environment of the organism or physiological mechanisms inside the organism.  Such stimuli include the current cultural triggers of female sexual fluidity.

When and Where Our Mind Developed – the Timing of Ultimate Causation

Humans (the genus Homo) appeared between 1.5 and 2.5 million years ago, in a time roughly coinciding with the start of the Pleistocene Epoch.   Because the Pleistocene ended only 11,700 years ago, most human adaptations either newly evolved during the Pleistocene or were maintained during that era.   EP, therefore, proposes that the majority of human psychological mechanisms are adapted to solve survival and reproductive problems frequently encountered in Pleistocene environments.

Ultimate Causes from the Ancestral Past

Ultimate causes of behavior evoke our ancestral past and address behavior or psychological processes that were adaptive for survival-based natural selection or reproduction-based sexual selection.  Ultimate causes of a behavior pertain to our evolutionary (phylogenetic) history, addressing these questions (for purposes of this discussion):

How did female sexual fluidity come to be?  How was it adaptive? How did it confer reproductive benefits to individuals with this behavior?

Evolutionary “Situationalism” – Proximate Causes of Survival and Reproduction

EP seeks to understand both proximate and ultimate causes of species-typical psychological processes in light of basic evolutionary theory.    Modern-day EP posits “evolutionary situationalism” (Geher, G. 2014).  Situational factors that matter most in affecting behavior are the ones that bear directly on factors associated with survival and reproductive success. Five decades of feminism and women’s economic progress and political empowerment are likely contributing proximate causes of female sexual fluidity.  (To be explained in subsequent posts.)

Alloparenting is a Proposed Ultimate Cause of Female Sexual Fluidity

The theory of alloparenting is a proposed ultimate cause of female sexual fluidity.  It posits that sexual fluidity in women is a contingent adaptation that increased ancestral women’s ability to form pair bonds with female alloparents who helped rear children to reproductive age.  Under this view, most heterosexual women are born with the capacity to form romantic bonds with both sexes. (My next post will explain this in-depth.)

Interplay of Biological and Cultural Adaptations

EP sees total congruence between learning and evolution; they are natural explanatory partners – perfectly compatible.  Many evolutionary hypotheses are about learning.  Humans are endowed with evolved learning mechanisms embodied in the brain.   For instance, the claim that humans have an evolved fear of snakes and spiders does not mean that people are born with this fear.  Instead, it means that humans are endowed with an evolved learning mechanism that acquires a fear of snakes more easily and readily than other fears. Learning itself is a Darwinian process and provides one of several possible mechanisms of inheritance in addition to conventional genetic processes.

Nature versus Nurture is a Strawman Debate

It should be clear by now that nature versus nurture is an antiquated “strawman” debate*, especially as a critique of evolutionary psychology.  (See Appendix below.)  Ultimate and proximate causes easily co-exist – but it is the “nature” part of the equation, the research about ultimate evolutionary causation, and the evidence of evolved behavioral sex difference that have been under-reported and too often dismissed in the halls of contemporary political and academic inquiry.

Problems arise when proximate explanations, like sociocultural theories, are used in place of ultimate explanations, or evolutionary theories, to explain human characteristics.

Sociocultural and Evolutionary Explanations Are Not at Odds

Sociocultural and evolutionary explanations are not necessarily at odds with each other.  Evolutionary psychology is an interactionalist framework.  Human minds created culture in the first place.  Both operate simultaneously to cause most human actions, such as aggressive behavior.  It would be virtually impossible for humans to acquire and learn their culture and all its complexity without innate mechanisms in place to make it happen.

Evolutionary psychologist Glenn Geher offers, in summary: “Given this focus on both environmental and innate causes of behavior, coupled with a genuine focus on proximate and ultimate cause of behavior, evolutionary psychology is truly an approach to psychology that embraces both the nature and nurture side of that debate” (Geher, G., 2014, p. 22).

Conclusion and Summary

There are both ultimate and proximate causes of female sexual fluidity.  My next post will describe the ultimate cause(s).  After that, I will address the more proximate, modern-day situational causes and expressions of women’s same-sex orientation and bi-sexual and hetero-flexible behavior.  All of this rests on the foundation of evolutionary science – or at least an appreciation of how the field of evolutionary psychology informs the discussion.**  But the contexts or “situations” in our current sociocultural moment are rich with nuance and ripe for observation. Why did your mother take up with a woman in her fifth decade of life in 2021?  I will get to that.

Notes

*A strawman is a fallacious argument that distorts an opposing stance in order to make it easier to attack.  EP has been attacked for supposedly not incorporating “nurture” in its framework.

**Sources Outside of Evolutionary Psychology

It is worth reminding you that MatingStraightTalk draws heavily on psychologists, sexuality educators/researchers, social scientists, neurobiologists, and investigative journalists that fall outside the ranks of evolutionary psychology but whose work mostly corroborates evolutionary ideas about the context-driven, proximate causes of female sexual fluidity.

The theories and writing of Emily Nagoski (Come As You Are) are very on target.

See blog posts:

Also relevant are these posts: 

I will give an in-depth analysis of Lisa Diamond’s seminal work (Sexual Fluidity, Understanding Women’s Love and Desire) and Jennifer Baumgardner’s book, Look Both Ways, Bisexual Politics. Baumgardner relates her personal story and the stories of women in the 70’s and 80’s.  These women were at the leading edge of discovering, integrating, and “coping” with the milieu of the women’s movement through the lens of sexual identification and sexual practice.

Appendix: Correcting Misconceptions about Evolutionary Psychology
  • EP does not focus mainly on mate selection and reproduction.
    While research on evolved behavioral sex differences has been prolific, the broader field studies parenting, education, politics, emotions, morality, aggression, mental health, physical health, technology, and mismatches of evolutionary design in the modern world.
  • A belief in evolved behavioral sex differences does not negate support for women’s equality and political empowerment.
    Most evolutionary psychologists reside in academic institutions; survey research of these psychologists shows a decided leaning to the political left generally representative in the academic community.  Many feminist scholars do indeed disparage evolutionary psychology.  The bias is so strong that it has been studied as a separate phenomenon. Steven Pinker in The Blank State explains an EP position that equality is not sameness: “equality is not the claim that groups of humans are interchangeable; it is the moral principle that individuals should not be constrained by the average properties of that group.”  EP also supports equal access to all rights and privileges of economic power and role flexibility for both sexes.
  • EP does not claim that products of evolution are present at birth or emerge very early in development.
    This is not how natural selection works.  Adaptations come online during the developmental phase in which they are needed – they develop reliably in all or most members of a species during the appropriate developmental state of an organism’s life.
  • Evolution (EP) does not imply that behavior is genetically determined.
    Evolutionary psychologists believe that everything in the mind, body, and brain is co-determined by genes and the environment.  Environmental pressures drive the evolution of adaptations, and adaptations require environmental input to develop correctly during an organism’s lifespan.  Environmental triggers are necessary to activate the adaptation in the present.  All adaptations have a genetic basis but are not genetically determined.  Genes often build different minds in response to different environments.

    Different environments will change the way the mind causes behavior.   Thus, evolutionary psychologists accept that it is possible to change most human behavior. This flexibility is an essential part of how we are designed.  Natural selection has programmed human development to be contingent on various environmental triggers.

    “However, humans are not infinitely flexible.  Changes in the environment still interact with a relatively stable genome and a relatively fixed mental architecture.  We can’t make people fly just by giving them plastic wings” (Evans, D. & Zarate, O., 2005, p. 161).

  • EP does not suggest behavior will be uniform across cultures; it suggests the neurocognitive machinery that produces behavior will be uniform across cultures.
    Natural selection has sculpted a universal ability to learn language, but the language learned depends on where a person grows up.  “Evoked culture” refers to cultural differences between groups that arise from combining a universal psychological mechanism with environmental inputs that differ across cultures.  Cultural differences in mating strategy demonstrate this by responding to a particular operational sex ratio in the local environment.   Evolutionary approaches to psychology predict cross-cultural universality at the level of information processing mechanisms, not at the level of behavior.  Again, this is called the “dual inheritance” model of human evolution, illustrating how we are “structured prior to experience.”
  • EP does not think everything is an adaptation.
    Evolution also yields “byproducts” (spandrels) and “noise.”  Examples of byproducts include racism, sexual fetishism among men, homicide, uxoricide (killing a wife), and filicide (killing a son or daughter), religion and belief in the supernatural.  Evolutionary biology uses the term “spandrel” for features of an organism arising as byproducts rather than adaptations that have no clear benefit for the organism’s fitness and survival.

    Evolutionary psychologists accept that much of human behavior is a side-effect of modules designed for other things.  Some authors believe that the great products of human civilization — including art, religion, and science, are side-effects of modules originally designed for other purposes.  However, Geoffrey Miller (The Mating Mind, 2000) and most evolutionary psychologists now say that capacities for creative expression are, in fact, essential modules, or primary adaptations inside the global adaptation of sexual selection.

  • EP does address individual difference.
    Although evolutionary psychology began with studying universal and sex-typical mechanisms, the last twenty years have produced a plenitude of research on individual differences related to personality characteristics, sexual jealousy, disgust, mating strategies, and within-sex variation, to name a few.
  • EP does not assert that what is true ought to be true (the “naturalistic fallacy”).
    Evolutionary psychologists attempt to describe what human nature is like, not prescribe what humans should do.  They argue that discoveries of EP could be used to inform left-wing policies just as much, if not more than right-wing policies.  For example, the equal distribution of wealth could be advocated for by knowing that humans are adapted to live in groups in which inequality is relatively low.  EP does not make moral or value judgments. 
  • EP does not believe in or promote eugenics.
    EP does not believe in selective breeding or optimizing the gene pool.  (Do I have to say this?) EP is focused on human behavior as shaped to optimize an individual’s chances of reproduction with no regard for saving the species.  Natural selection happens at the level of the individual organism.  Eugenics is a group-selection doctrine.  But finding mates with good genes is indeed one of the significant functions of mate choice across all sexually reproducing species.
  • EP does not use questionable research methodology – it is not “just-so stories.”
    “Just-so storytelling” refers to the process by which a researcher notices something about human behavior, proposes an explanation for it (an evolutionary one in this case), and then decides to believe that explanation without further inquiry or testing.  This criticism asserts EP over-applies evolutionary explanations and that there are no safeguards against such over-application.  But, it is a misconception that evolutionary psychologists will take any finding and mold it into an evolutionary explanation after the fact.
  • Evolutionary psychology (EP) is not simply a sub-discipline of psychology.
    Evolutionary theory integrates the life sciences and unites many disciplines.  Thus, modern evolutionary theory provides a foundational, meta-theoretical framework that integrates the entire field of psychology.  EP draws insights from anthropology, economics, computer science, and paleo-archaeology but relies mostly on the combination of evolutionary biology and cognitive psychology.
References

Buss, D.M. (1999). Evolutionary Psychology, The New Science of Mind.

Buss, D.M., & von Hippel, W. (2018). Psychological Barriers to Evolutionary Psychology: Ideological Bias and Coalitional Adaptations.  Archives of Scientific Psychology, 6(1) 148-158.

Evans, D., & Zarate, O., (2005).  Introducing Evolutionary Psychology.

Geher, G. (2014).  Evolutionary Psychology 101.

Mackiel, A. (2019) What Explains the Resistance to Evolutionary Psychology?  Quilette (April 8).

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Addressing Barriers to Female Sexual Pleasure – Let’s Get Educated

Addressing Barriers to Female Sexual Pleasure – Let’s Get Educated

by | Apr 26, 2021 | Relationship Issues, Sexuality, Women's Issues

“Think outside her box.”

~  Ian Kerner, PhD., She Comes First

Prologue

Part of the mission of Mating Straight Talk is to explain and demonstrate the evolved behavioral sex differences between men and women.  Sex differences in mating strategies and modes of sexuality serve essential evolutionary purposes.  Recently, I have written about the difference between spontaneous desire (the sexual excitation system predominant for men) and responsive desire (the sexual inhibition system dominant for women).  I outlined how women might “turn off their brakes” (their sexual inhibition system) and maximize their responsive desire.

The research on maximizing responsive desire revealed the difference between men and women related to how novelty triggers sexual desire.  Female boredom in monogamous relationships is an unpleasant reality; it is caused (in part) by the lack of novelty and surprise.  To be clear, women are not, in general, wanting non-monogamy; they are not seeking new or multiple partners as a result of this “sexual malaise.”  But, in addition to “boredom” and the challenge of “designing” the best context for sex (with sufficient “freshness”), there are other barriers to female satisfaction.

Barriers to Female Pleasure

There is an over-reliance on sexual intercourse as a practice and as a definition of sex.  Men and women lack basic knowledge of female anatomy and pleasuring techniques.  The orgasm gap is bigger than the pay gap and has more legitimacy as a behavioral problem.  Add a toxic dose of shame, trauma, and physical pain — and it is a wonder that anyone is getting laid or enjoying it when they do.

Sexual Techniques Do Matter

My focus in Mating Straight Talk has never been on the techniques of sexual practice.  (Psychological “operations” are more interesting than the operation of a vibrator.) But techniques are relevant to the success of a sexual relationship between a man and a woman.  Sexual practices and the “gendered” psychology that “contain” those practices further illustrate the differences between men and women.

She Comes First

As most women everywhere will attest, when it comes to understanding female sexuality, most guys know more about what’s under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris.  Ian Kerner’s book  She Comes First – The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman may be the definitive guide to oral sex – where the mystery of female satisfaction is solved, and the “tongue is proven mightier than the sword.”   I encourage readers, especially men, to read this book.  It addresses the over-reliance on sexual intercourse and the lack of knowledge of female anatomy.

Sex and the Frustrated Man

Also, I must acknowledge the considerable insights of author and sex educator Kaye Smith, Ph.D.  Much of this post is adapted from her article, “Sex and the Frustrated Man,” first appearing in Medium.

“Widower Fears Impotence Will Kill New Relationship” 

That was the headline of the column featuring a letter written to “Dear Abby.”  A man lost his wife, had his prostate removed because of cancer, and wanted to start a new relationship.  Worried that he could not perform sexually and be rejected, he asked Jeanne Philips, “Is it possible to have a good relationship with someone without intercourse?  Or do you think I am doomed?”

Yes — Some Women Are Fine with No Sex

Philips’s answer was revealing.  She told this man that many women would value his warmth, affection, intellect, etc. and that he would be in demand, even if he could not perform sexually.  Philips described a common state of post-menopausal female sexual desire – a “responsive desire” (as defined in earlier posts) that is happy with a non-sexual yet romantic relationship.  This is a “desire” functionally over and done; it is latent but not consciously seeking revival.

But C’mon, There is More To Sex Than Intercourse!

Most importantly, it is what Phillips did not say that was interesting, if not troubling.  Phillips said nothing to educate this man (or her readers) about the diverse world of sexual practices that do not include intercourse – that do not require an erect penis or penetration with that penis.  In this post, I will address the problem of “sex-is-intercourse” and other norms or conditions that place barriers to pleasure for women (especially) and men in their sex lives. I will also address the physiological changes that can make sex unappealing for post-menopausal women.

Why Women Lack An Interest in Sex — Revisited

In my prior post (Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships), I reported the research of Marta Meana about the loss of female libido.  Meana cited three reasons women gave to explain a lack of interest in sex: 1) the institution of marriage produces too much routine, 2) overfamiliarity of sexual practices and loss of novelty, and 3) the de-sexualization of roles – the incongruity of being a mother and a wife.

“Dead Bedrooms”

A  few studies (1) in the U.S. indicate about 1 in 7 marriages are largely “sexless” — characterized by little to no sexual intimacy (“dead bedrooms” is a popular subreddit). Typically, this happens because one member of the relationship refuses to engage in sex.  It is most often the woman.

Male Sex Deficit

In a controversial paper on the male sex deficit, Catherine Hakim (former London School of Economics professor) cited several worldwide studies conducted over the last 30 years that found women reported less sexual interest, lower desire, and more conservative behavior. About 30% of women struggled with low sexual desire compared with 15% of men, and it was the most commonly reported female sexual problem.

“The sex differentials in sexuality remain large, substantively important, and are found in all cultures, including the sexually liberated societies of Scandinavia.” — Catherine Hakim

Kaye Smith (“Sex and the Frustrated Man”) is a strong advocate for female sexual capacity and empowerment.  She agrees with Hakim:   “I believe there is enough research data to support the idea that men overall do report higher rates of libido, sexual interest, and motivation than women and are probably often frustrated with the amount of sex they’re having.”  (Stay tuned for my post on May 11 for further discussion of “dead bedrooms” and the “male sex deficit.”)

Pleasure Roadblocks

Some sexual norms act as roadblocks to women.  A woman can be compromised in her ability to enjoy sex, talk about her desires, feel comfortable in her body, demand sexual equality, or even know when she is turned on. If women do not develop a strong connection with their sexuality, it can play out in the bedroom as sexual apathy.

“Crappy sex is like chowing down on Big Macs as your main source of nutrition.  It does a number on your libido like the one fast food does on your heart.”  ~ Kaye Smith

Problematic roadblocks include:

  1. Sex-is-intercourse
  2. “Clitphobia”
  3. Sexual “lockjaw”
  4. Trauma
  5. Pain
1. Sex-is-Intercourse

In my March 29 post, Turn Off the Brakes!  Making the Most of Female Responsive Desire, I shared the advice of Emily Nagoski that adding sexual novelty does not need to include new techniques or new toys.  True enough.  But it could include new techniques and toys — and it may require some!  As I explained in Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships, women need a variety of stimulation for sexual fulfillment (from the same man).  The same sex over and over, especially if it is intercourse, could be a barrier to sexual satisfaction for some women.

“I Did Not Have Sex With That Woman!”

When former president Bill Clinton was accused of sexual impropriety, he insisted with a straight face that “He DID NOT have sex with that woman” (Monica Lewinsky) because all she did was “blow” (fellate) him.

Today, if we asked a thousand straight teenagers and young people, “What is sex?” most would probably say vaginal intercourse — usually to male orgasm.  Note to “Dear Abby” — that is sexual reductionism at its finest.

Vaginal Intercourse is Overvalued

Vaginal intercourse is overvalued, while other sex acts are undervalued. Sexual reductionism is deeply problematic for female sexual pleasure and has a ripple effect on how we think about sex.

Why is “Intercourse-equals-sex” Problematic?
  • Most women can’t come from penetration alone.
  • Clitoral stimulation winds up as a mere appetizer to the main meal of intercourse, which drastically reduces female sexual pleasure.
  • Many men aren’t good at intercourse due to premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or bad technique.
  • Some women experience sexual pain from intercourse. Sexual pain is a widespread problem for women, is rarely discussed, and often increases with age.
  • “Sex-is-intercourse” ignores the vast array of other sexual practices and aids: the use of lips, tongue, fingers, and vibrators (what author Valerie Frankel calls “outercourse”) — as well as dildoes, plugs, and other sensorial “toys.”

The sex-is-intercourse norm leads to the marginalization of all acts that aren’t about a penis in vagina (PIV).  Ian Kerner says, “cunnilingus is not foreplay, it’s coreplay.”

2. “Clitphobia”
Where’s the Clitoris?

Often, the clitoris is nowhere to be “found” because of a lack of identification and naming.  This starts when a baby girl is born, and we mislabel her anatomy as a “vagina.”  The vagina is the birth canal; it’s not the correct term for visible lady parts.  The correct term is “vulva.”   The primary female sex organ is the clitoris, the equivocal organ to the penis.

Never Heard of It

In a study conducted jointly by Minnesota State and Royal Roads Universities on clitoral knowledge, researchers found that most participants had never heard of the word “clitoris” until they were well into their teens — often after becoming sexually active. One young woman said, “I don’t remember ever being told that a clitoris is a normal part of a female’s body.”  We apparently have a fear of the clitoris, and in some parts of the world – extreme loathing as well.  Female circumcision (clitoridectomy) occurs in parts of Asia and Africa for cultural and religious reasons.

Clitoral Landscape

In The Clitoral Truth, author Rebecca Chalker delineates eighteen parts of the clitoris based upon the research of the Federation of Feminist Women’s Health Centers.  Most well-known and perhaps most important in “outercourse” is the clitoral glans or head of the clitoris, which has 8,000 nerve endings, twice as many as in the head of the penis and more than any other part of the human body.  Inside the vulva are the legs of clitoris that flare downward like a wishbone on either side.  The “legs” are surrounded by erectile tissue known as the twin “clitoral bulbs.”  Even lesser known is the “urethral sponge” that lies on the ceiling of the vagina.

There is no Specific G-Spot 

According to Kerner and other sex educators, “the G-spot is nothing more than the roots of the clitoris crisscrossing the urethral sponge.”  Nicole Prause, an acclaimed neuroscientist and sex researcher on sexual stimulation, says the anterior wall of the vagina does not have any heightened area of sensitivity that can trigger orgasm – there is no G-“spot.”    A lot of fuss has been made about the difference between a clitoral orgasm and a G-spot orgasm.  Although the urethral sponge is attached to the vaginal ceiling, it is considered an integral part of the clitoral network, says Kerner:  “A G-spot orgasm, like all female orgasms, is a clitoral orgasm.”

The Orgasm Gap

Since a woman’s clitoris “does not exist,” it has received inadequate attention in the bedroom. Which leads to the “orgasm gap.”  Depending upon who you read, 10-26% of women are not orgasmic at all.  Over 60% of women who are orgasmic are not happy with how often it occurs.

According to one study (2) (see “Differences in Orgasm Frequency” in Appendix), while 75% of men routinely orgasm during a sexual encounter, only 29% of women do.  Sixty-five percent of straight women were orgasmic compared to 95% of straight men.

Orgasms with Intercourse

Women can receive clitoral stimulation by penile penetration that presses against the clitoral glans and hood and by possible stimulation of the legs of the clitoris or urethral sponge.  But the heavy lifting for clitoral stimulation leading to orgasm is stimulation to the glans and clitoral hood by practices other than intercourse.  Michael Castleman of AARP says only 25% of all women reliably have orgasms during intercourse. “That means 75% of women of all ages must have direct clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm.”

Orgasm Gap Disappears with Masturbation

The orgasm gap disappears during masturbation and same-sex encounters. Sex researcher Shere Hite found that women who masturbate regularly orgasm 96% of the time.

The orgasm gap occurs for one simple reason: neither the woman nor her partner give the clitoris its due attention. They both expect a female orgasm to arrive the same way as a male orgasm – by intercourse. But it doesn’t, and she doesn’t say anything.

3. Sexual “Lockjaw”

Why don’t women say anything? Why do women continue to tolerate the intolerable? Women put up with a lot: pressure to have sex, hapless foreplay, no orgasms, and pain.  So why do women have “sexual lockjaw?”  One word says Smith:  “shame.”

Shame

Writer Yael Wolfe (“What Sexually Frustrated Men Need to Understand About Their Partners,” Medium, 2019) describes how women have been a primary target of our culture’s sexual shaming.  “We’ve been shamed for our body size, for having body hair, for having smelly vaginas [vulvas], for expressing desire, for not expressing desire, for masturbating, for not masturbating, for our sexual fantasies.  You need to understand how hard it can be to allow our bodies to move in ways that will bring us pleasure.”

She Doesn’t Want to Hurt Her Male Partner

Toxic sexual shame for women means she turns herself into a pretzel for the straight male orgasm — no matter the cost to her emotionally or physically.

One of the biggest problems with “hetero-sex” is the idea that a woman’s satisfaction is her partner’s responsibility, and if he can’t bring home the bacon, he’s not a man. The male ego can be fragile and insecure and can be both aggressive and defensive in bed.  Most women are socialized to prioritize their relationships even at the expense of their own needs.  Women keep their mouths shut to avoid making male lovers feel inadequate and to avoid shaming them.  However, when women stay silent, desire can go dormant and eventually disappear.

4. Trauma

Many women experience trauma. Sexual abuse is rampant in our society. One out of 6 women will experience a rape or an attempted rape in their lifetimes, according to the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAIN). Survivors are more likely to report distress, experience PTSD, and contemplate suicide than non-survivors.

Sexual abuse can have a profound impact on sexuality. According to a study of 1664 women, those who had been abused reported more issues with body image and expressed more discomfort getting undressed in front of a lover. They also used contraception less often and reported more sexual and relationship dissatisfaction.

Close Contact Can Be Triggering

Sex involves close intimate contact, which can be a trigger for some people. Being touched might reactivate the anger experienced from abuse or molestation.

Survivors often check out of their bodies and disassociate while being abused.  Disassociating can be a way of handling an unbearable trauma. Unfortunately, while this helps them survive at the time, it can linger as a side effect.  Leaving your body behind while you float in the ether isn’t a recipe for a passionate, connected sexual experience.

5. Female Pain

Pain During Vaginal Intercourse

A study by Debby Hebernick (3) and colleagues found that 30% of women and 7% of men reported pain during vaginal intercourse.  Most of the reports of pain were mild and short duration.  About 72% of women and 15% of men reported pain during anal intercourse.  Women reported more moderate or severe pain than did men.  Researchers concluded that “large proportions of Americans do not tell their partner [have lockjaw] when sex hurts.”

According to the North American Menopause Society, up to 45% of postmenopausal women find sex painful due, in part, to increased vaginal dryness and thinning vaginal tissue caused by falling estrogen levels.

Conditions Causing Pain

Pain can occur for many reasons.  Several poorly understood medical conditions can wreak havoc on a woman’s sex life: including vulvodynia, lichen sclerosus, and pudendal neuralgia.  (See Appendix).

Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) can also cause pain for women during deep coital penetration.  Women with IBS also report a lack of sexual desire and difficulty getting aroused.  Lack of arousal can lead to insufficient lubrication.  (IBS is 1.5-3 times more common in women, but it can also cause premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction in men.)

Sometimes pain occurs because of an overly tight pelvic floor or hormonal birth control. The pill reduces testosterone, which can be implicated in the most common sexual pain problem in premenopausal women: provoked vestibulodynia, a form of vulvodynia.

Conclusion

A significant barrier to sexual pleasure for women is an over-reliance on sexual intercourse as a practice.  Men and women lack basic knowledge of female anatomy and pleasuring techniques.  Let’s get educated about “outercourse” and create an environment where it is easy and natural to talk about sex.  Men will also have more pleasure when women have more sexual agency.  Shame is unnecessary!  In a world with courageous and compassionate straight talk about sex, trauma and pain can be reduced.  Let’s bring down the barriers.

References

  1. Donnelly, D; (1993). “Sexually inactive marriages”; The Journal of Sex Research, Vol. 30, Issue 2.
  1. Frederick, D., et al. (2018) “Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample.” Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47, 273-288.
  1. Herbenick, D. et al., “Pain experienced during vaginal and anal intercourse with other-sex partners: findings from a nationally representative probability study in the United States.” Journal of Sexual Medicine, (2015), April, 12 (4): 1040-51.

Appendix

 

Female Pain – Physical Conditions that Prevent Sexual Pleasure

Vaginal Atrophy

According to the Mayo Clinic, vaginal atrophy (atrophic vaginitis) is thinning, drying, and inflammation of the vaginal wall.  Vaginal atrophy occurs most often after menopause when a woman has less estrogen. It not only makes intercourse painful but also leads to distressing urinary symptoms.  Because the condition causes both vaginal and urinary symptoms, doctors use the term “genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM)” to describe vaginal atrophy and its accompanying symptoms.

Not all menopausal women experience GSM.  Regular sexual activity (with or without a partner) can increase blood flow and help maintain healthy vaginal tissues.  Treatments include vaginal moisturizers, water-based lubricants, topical forms of estrogen, and other therapies.  Seek the advice of a trusted specialist to explore all options.

Vulvodynia

Vulvodynia is chronic vulvar pain without an identifiable cause.  The location, constancy and severity of the pain vary.  Some women experience pain in only one area of the vulva, while others experience pain in multiple areas. The most common reported symptom is burning.  Pain at only one site surrounding the vaginal opening is called localized vulvodynia, or Provoked Vestibulodynia (PVD), and occurs during or after sexual intercourse, tampon insertion, or gynecologic exam.

How Hormones Impact Women’s Sexuality

From: “The Biochemistry of Lust: How Hormones Impact Women’s Sexuality,” Medium, October 6, 2019.

Kaye Smith, Ph.D. tells the story of estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and DHEA and how hormones work in the female body.  She discusses how much a woman’s desire issues are hormone-related and how hormone replacement (HRT) works.

Differences in Orgasm Frequency – (from study Abstract; see reference above.)

There is a notable gap between heterosexual men and women in the frequency of orgasm during sex.

Researchers examined how 30 different traits or behaviors were associated with frequency of orgasm when sexually intimate during the past month.

Participants included a large U.S. sample of adults (N = 52,588) who identified as heterosexual men (n = 26,032), gay men (n = 452), bisexual men (n = 550), lesbian women (n = 340), bisexual women (n = 1112), and heterosexual women (n = 24,102).

Heterosexual men were most likely to say they usually-always orgasmed when sexually intimate (95%), followed by gay men (89%), bisexual men (88%), lesbian women (86%), bisexual women (66%), and heterosexual women (65%).

Compared to women who orgasmed less frequently, women who orgasmed more frequently were more likely to: receive more oral sex, have longer duration of last sex, be more satisfied with their relationship, ask for what they want in bed, praise their partner for something they did in bed, call/email to tease about doing something sexual, wear sexy lingerie, try new sexual positions, anal stimulation, act out fantasies, incorporate sexy talk, and express love during sex.

Women were more likely to orgasm if their last sexual encounter included deep kissing, manual genital stimulation, and oral sex in addition to vaginal intercourse.

 

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Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships

Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships

by | Apr 12, 2021 | Relationship Issues, Sexuality, Tips for Couples, Women's Issues

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” ~ Mae West

In my last post, (Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Responsive Desire), I shared the advice Emily Nagoski gives to couples to improve their sex life.  Nagoski and other sex educators describe the dominant mode of women’s sexuality as “responsive.”  Women need sufficient sexual stimuli and an appropriate context to move from a place of neutrality to being aroused and desirous of a sexual connection. Nagoski recommends that couples raise their heart rate together or go deeper emotionally to trigger desire instead of creating novelty through new sex toys and techniques.  That is good advice.  But make no mistake, women need more novelty than men in an ongoing sexual relationship.  Men have a lower threshold for sexual motivation and stimulation, and their orgasms are more predictable.  Women need more varied stimulation than men, and their orgasms are definitely not assured.

In fact, there is an emerging trend related to female sexuality in an ongoing relationship.  As the headline from an Atlantic article succinctly put it, women are “The Bored Sex.”

“Female sexual boredom could almost pass for the new beige.” ~Wednesday Martin (Atlantic)

Variety and Novelty – Sex Differences

Men are neurologically built to desire a variety of partners, more so than women.  Women are built to need and want more variety of stimulation (physical and emotional) from one man over time for sexual fulfillment.  In a monogamous pair bond, it is the woman, more often than the man, who will need more diverse stimuli and breaks from routine in order to be aroused and orgasmic.

Mating Science Background

Men want a variety of partners as dictated by the foundational predominance of a short-term sexual mating strategy. (See “Coolidge Effect” in Appendix.)  Women prefer a specific singular partner as dictated by their predominant long-term sexual strategy and need for parental investment.  Alfred Kinsey: “There seems to be no question but that the human male would be promiscuous in his choice of sexual partners throughout the whole of his life if there were no social restrictions.  The human female is much less interested in a variety of partners.”

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire – Accelerator and Brake

Men (in aggregate) need less variety and novelty in an ongoing sexual relationship than women do because of their predominant “spontaneous” sexual response and a sex drive that accelerates with pursuit.

Women (in aggregate) need more novelty and variety in an ongoing relationship because of the fragility and complexity of their predominant “responsive” desire mechanism that often “brakes” out of caution.  (See Appendix for “Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Mind Responsive Desire” and “Supply and Demand Influences on Responsive Desire.”)

It’s Not the Sex She Wants

Manhattan psychiatrist, Andrew Gotzis, was treating a straight couple in their 40s; they had been together close to 20 years.  They reportedly had sex three times a week.  (Quite above the normal for a couple in a relationship of that duration.) The woman had orgasms but was still dissatisfied.   As Gotzis described the situation, “The problem is not that they are functionally unable to have sex or to have orgasms.  Or frequency.  It’s that the sex they’re having isn’t what she wants.” The woman wants to be wanted by her partner in that “can’t-get-enough-of-each-other-way that experts call “limerence” – the initial period of a relationship when it’s all new and hot.

Habituation to Stimulus

This woman may be an idealist, unrealistic, selfish, or entitled.  But her sexual struggles in a long-term relationship, orgasms, and frequency of sex notwithstanding, make her normal.  Although most people in a sexual partnership end up facing the conundrum biologists call “habituation to stimulus” over time, a growing body of research suggests that heterosexual women are likely to face this problem earlier in a relationship than men. Men seem to manage wanting what they already have, while women struggle with it.

Don’t Move In With Your Boyfriend

In a study of 11,500 British adults aged 16-74,  women were more likely to lose interest in sex after one year of cohabitation.  Newsweek (2017) reported this study and others with the cautionary title addressed to women:  “Moving in with Your Boyfriend Can Kill Your Sex Drive.”   “Women living with a partner were more likely to lack an interest in sex than those in other relationship categories.”

A 2012 study (Journal of Sex Marital Therapy) of 170 men and women aged 18-25 found that women’s desire, not men’s, was negatively affected by relationship duration after controlling for age, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction.

Female Desire Tanked in Germany and Finland

Two German longitudinal studies, published in 2002 and 2006, showed female desire dropped dramatically after 90 months while male desire held relatively steady.  Women who did not live with their partners seemed to avoid the “effects of overfamiliarity.”

And a seven-year Finnish study (2016) of more than 2,100 women by Annika Gunst found that women’s sexual desire varied depending upon relationship status.  Those in the same relationship reported less desire, arousal, and satisfaction.

Wanting Monogamy and Having Desire Are Different

Many, if not most women, want monogamy.   But as Wednesday Martin wrote for the Atlantic, “wanting monogamy isn’t the same as feeling desire in a long-term monogamous partnership.”

Women’s Lower Baseline Libido

There is evidence that women have a lower baseline libido as measured by the frequency of sexual thoughts, fantasies, masturbation, and desire for sexual activity.  Psychiatrist and sexual health practitioner Elisabeth Gordon reported that women disproportionately presented with a lower sexual desire than their male partners after a year or more and in the longer term.  (See “Sex Drive Defined” in Appendix.)

Just Not the Same Sex Over and Over

However, Gordon says women “regularly start relationships equally excited for sex.”  As Martin puts it, “women in long-term, committed heterosexual partnerships might think they’ve gone off sex – but it’s more that they’ve gone off the same sex with the same person over and over.

“When couples want to remain in a monogamous relationship, a key component of treatment is to help couples add novelty,” Gordon advised.  (Women are the primary consumers of sex-related technology, lubricants, and of course, lingerie.)

Long-term Relationships Are Rough On Female Desire

Author and sex researcher Marta Meana says, “long-term relationships are rough on desire, especially female desire.”  Meana and colleague Karen Sims conducted a qualitative study on 19 married women (Journal of Sexual Martial therapy) and found that most women were pleased with their partners – just not their sex lives.  Three interrelated reasons emerged to explain participants’ loss of libido.

Three Reasons for Female Libido Loss

While female sexuality generally prefers emotional connection and familiarity to thrive, Meana discovered that institutionalization of the relationship, overfamiliarity, and de-sexualization of roles in a long-term heterosexual partnership could mess with female passion.

1. Institutionalization

For many of the women studied by Meana and Sims, marital sex was a snooze.  They were simply bored with the routine of ever-available marital sex. As described by Kaye Smith in Married Women Talk About Why They Don’t Want Sex, “bed-breaking premarital sex can dwindle to Saturday morning missionary-only encounters hurriedly sandwiched between Junior’s soccer game and Fluffy’s deworming.”  It is too sanitized and socially sanctioned.  And obligation to have sex is a guaranteed buzzkill.  If you are expected to make your partner sexually happy, it is a turn-off.

2. Familiarity Breeds Contempt

The second issue that the women complained about was over-familiarity.  It was the romance of early love, the pre-relationship dating days with all its novelty, anticipation, and uncertainty that they longed for the most.  “Familiarity breeds contempt” is never more true than in the bedroom.  Another buzzkill is doing the same thing, the same way, every time.   One woman in the Meana study said:  “When you are married, you know exactly how your husband is going to touch you.  There is a comfort with each other, but it’s not as exciting . . . the desire is lost.”   Many women talked about how they could predict what their husbands would do next and in what order.

“You Just Gotta Stop”

As one exasperated 33-year old woman told her husband: “things like grabbing me and touching me would really get me excited (in the past).  But doing the same things now completely turn me off.   “You cannot just grab my breast like that anymore – it no longer turns me on – you just gotta stop.”

If you know what will happen next, your brain (and other body parts) say “why bother?” Desire is fueled by the neurotransmitter dopamine, which rises in response to novelty and anticipation.

3. De-sexualization of Roles and Maternal Sensory Overload

Most of the women spoke of being absolutely depleted by their to-do list.  And sex did not have priority on that list. (This is evidence of responsive desire).  Also, many felt there was an incompatibility between the role of mom and the role of “vixen.”  Interestingly, for mothers of small children, the constant tactile demands of caring for a child left them feeling “over-touched” – on sensory overload – and not in the mood for more skin contact.

Paradox and Complexity of Female Desire

Female sexual response is fragile and complex with opposing or paradoxical elements active, side-by-side, at any given moment. Female desire is enhanced by arousing ambivalence but in a manageable way.  Too much ambivalence, and you are left to feel too anxious; too little, and you are bored.

Women Want to Be Wanted More than Anything Else

Smith says women are socialized to romanticize sex.  Women want to be wanted – often more than anything else.  Women fantasize about being the object of a hot stud’s desire (ala Fifty Shades of Grey).  But, in being the object, women paradoxically assume power.  The rape fantasy is all about being desired; it is NOT about being defeated or abused.

What Can Be Done to Turn Women On?

Certainly, socializing women to be passive in the bedroom doesn’t work and leads to sexual disappointment and boredom.  There is still an education problem.  Women are not told about their anatomy; they masturbate less than men and often have sex based on what works for men.  (According to research, only 29% of women always have an orgasm during sexual intercourse, in comparison to 75% of men.)

Life-Long Hot Sex is Not Realistic

The idea that life-long love means nonstop hot sex is probably not realistic either.  (Nor does it comport with biological imperatives and hormonal shifts in long-term relationships, especially  relationships with children.)  Smith suggests, “if we could just lighten up about sex – see it as adult play perhaps – we would be better off.”

Mating in Captivity – the Polarity of Female Desire

Esther Perel (Mating In Captivity) brilliantly explains the polarities animating human sexual desire, especially for women.  “Desire is fueled by the unknown, and for that reason, it’s inherently anxiety-producing.  Eroticism resides in the ambiguous space between anxiety and fascination.  Without an element of uncertainty, there is no longing, no anticipation, no fission.”

Fundamental Needs Seeking Reconciliation

Two fundamental human needs seek reconciliation.  On the one hand, we need security, predictability, safety, and dependability.  We require reliability and permanence; all of these are anchoring, grounding experiences in our lives.  This anchoring is especially necessary for women as predicted by evolutionary science and a woman’s mating strategy designed to protect children.

But we have an equally strong need for adventure, novelty, mystery, and risk.  We are stimulated by a little “danger,” the unknown, the unexpected.  Surprise turns us on.  Taking a “journey” together (actual travel) is often good for our sex lives.

From Passionate to Intentional Sexuality

“Erotic couples know how to manage the transition from passionate sexuality to intentional sexuality,” says Perel.  “They understand that it not only takes work but also creativity – like when you want a beautiful meal rather than just a quick bite.” Emilly Nagoski describes “context appointments” and “windows of willingness.” (See Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Responsive Desire).  She often tells women:  “You don’t have to be horny first.  You don’t have to crave sex before you start having sex.  You just have to be willing to try some intimate contact with pleasure as the only goal.”

Remain Curious, My Friend

Sexual boredom can only happen when you are no longer curious, says author Jack Morin (The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment).  So, here’s to continued curiosity about the enigma and beauty of female desire.  I will never get bored with that.

My Next Post

My next post will continue the theme of female sexual boredom and dissatisfaction by explaining the problems of 1) “sex-is-intercourse,” 2) “clitphobia,” 3) sexual “lockjaw,” 4) the orgasm gap, and 5) “male sex deficit.”  Stayed tuned for that!

 
References

Sims, K. & Meana, M.; “Why did passion wane? A qualitative study of married women’s attributions for declines in sexual desire.”  Journal of Sex Marital Therapy; 2010, 36 (4) 360-380.

Murray, S. & Milhausen, R.; “Sexual desire and relationship duration in young men and women.” Journal of Sex Marital Therapy. 2012; 38 (1) 28-40.

Appendix

The “Coolidge Effect”

The story is told that President Coolidge and the first lady were given separate tours of newly formed government farms.  Upon passing the chicken coops and noticing a rooster copulating with a hen, Mrs. Coolidge inquired about how often the rooster performed this duty.  “Dozens of times each day,” replied the guide.  Mrs. Coolidge asked the guide to “please mention this fact to the president.”  When the president passed by later and was informed of the sexual vigor of the rooster, he asked, “always with the same hen?”  “Oh no,” the guide replied, “a different one each time.”  “Please tell that to Mrs. Coolidge,” said the president.

And so the Coolidge Effect was named, referring to the tendency of males to be sexually re-aroused upon the presentation of novel females, giving them a further impulse to gain sexual access to multiple women.  The Coolidge Effect is a widespread mammalian trait that has been documented many times.  Male rats, rams, cattle, and sheep all show the effect.   Men across cultures show the Coolidge Effect.

Sex Drive Defined

Sex drive is commonly defined as the frequency of sexual thoughts, frequency of masturbation, interest in sexual activity with another person, frequency of intercourse in a specified period, desire for multiple sex partners, habits of pornography use, response to erotic images in everyday life, and frequency and nature of sexual fantasies. 

Sex is not really a drive, according to Emily Nagoski (Come As You Are, 2015), because it is not necessary for personal survival.  She calls it an “incentive motivation system.”  But calling sexual desire a motivation system and not a drive (which takes away the pejorative label of dysfunction for women) does not change the fact that men think about and have the urge to engage in sexual behavior (all components above) more than women, primarily because of greater levels of testosterone and the accompanying power of their predominant short-term mating strategy.

Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Mind Responsive Desire

Female “responsive” desire must be “woken up” by direct, in-coming stimulation.  Women have a greater capacity than men to experience out-of-sight-out-of-mind concerning their sexual desire, partly because of the differences in visual sexual triggers. 

Related to “out-of-mind,” women may not be dramatically bothered by their desire loss.  That “meta-emotion” (feeling about a feeling) might depend upon the degree of parental energy expended by the woman and the degree to which her safety and security needs are met. 

Supply and Demand Influences on Responsive Desire

Sex for most women is an abundant resource; it is not in short supply.  It is a need (within the confines of self-imposed selective preferences) that can almost always be met.  Therefore, there is no need to attend to it.  Out-of-sight, out-of-mind makes sense.  If the refrigerator is full, there is no need to fantasize or strategize about how to get food.  If there is a man “pulling up” (like a bus) every five minutes, there is no need to worry about missing or choosing not to take the last bus. 

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Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Female Responsive Desire

Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Female Responsive Desire

by | Mar 29, 2021 | Relationship Issues, Sexuality, Tips for Couples, Women's Issues

Sexuality, Women’s Issues, Relationship Issues, and Tips for Couples

In her landmark book, Come As You Are,  Emily Nagoski describes the central sexual response mechanism in the brains of men and women.   There is a sexual excitation system (SES) or “accelerator” that is dominant in most males. The sexual excitation system often activates male sexual desire.  It has a sense of urgency, eagerness, and passion – men pursue under its influence. Nagoski calls this “spontaneous” desire.

Foot Brake and Hand Brake

Females most often operate out of their sexual inhibition system.  This system notices all potential threats in the environment and sends a signal from the brain to the genitals to “turn-off” for fear of consequences.  Nagoski calls this the “foot brake.”  But there is also a “hand brake” activated by the fear of performance or a combination of mental chatter, stressors, and self-consciousness.  When the female sexual inhibition system is relatively quiet, women most often function from a state of responsive desire. 

Responsive Desire Moves from Place of Neutrality

Responsive desire occurs when one is willing to engage in sex, although not initially feeling desire or sexual arousal.  With sufficient sexual stimuli and an appropriate context, responsive desire allows a woman to move from a place of neutrality to being aroused and desirous of a sexual connection. 

Responsive Desire Emerges from Pleasure

Some women may be taught (or just believe) that desire is supposed to “arrive” spontaneously, as it often does for men.   Desire can arise in anticipation of pleasure, but Nagoski says responsive sexual desire emerges in response to pleasure.  The key to making the most of responsive desire is to maximize pleasure.

Ten Ways to Maximize Responsive Desire

(Adapted from 10 Tips for Making the Most of Responsive Desire by Emily Nagoski)

1. Put pleasure at the center of your sexual well-being.

It is not important how much you “crave” sex, how often you have sex, or how many orgasms you have.  For Nagoski, the only meaningful question is:

“How much do you like the sex you are having?”

“Because responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure, it functions best when you put pleasure at the center of your definition of sexual well-being,” says Nagoski.  Pleasure is the measure of your sexual satisfaction. 

Sensations Depend Upon the Context

Whether or not a sensation feels good depends upon the context.  For instance, tickling:  if you are in a playful and flirting state of mind, tickling from a specific someone might feel good and be fun – and lead to more things that feel good.  But if that person tries to tickle you when you are angry at them, it will not feel good at all.

A Key Take-away
“Know which contexts allow your brain to interpret sensations as erotic.”

The best context typically has low stress, high affection, high trust, and explicit eroticism.

2. Evaluate your contexts.

Nagoski identifies five categories of context to assess both your best and your most lack-luster sexual experiences.

In her worksheets, she asks the reader to write down as many details as can be remembered about both experiences and identify the specific aspects of each context.  What made the experience fantastic, or what caused the experience to suck?  What made it good or bad in each of the five categories of context?

Five Categories of Context

1. Mental and Physical Well-being: physical health, body image, mood, anxiety, distractibility, and worry about sexual functioning.

2. Partner characteristics: physical appearance, physical health, smell, mental state of your partner (or the attributes of yourself at that moment if you are “your own partner.”)

3. Relationship characteristics: trust, power dynamic, emotional connection, feeling desired, and frequency of sex.

4. Setting: private/public; at home, work, or vacation; distance sex (phone chat); seeing your partner do something positive like interacting with family or doing work.

5. Other life circumstances: work-related stress, family-related stress, a holiday, anniversary, or “occasion;” self-guided fantasy, partner-guided fantasy (“talking dirty”), body parts that were touched or not; oral sex on you/on partner; intercourse, etc.

3. Assess your brakes and accelerator.

As described earlier, the sexual response mechanism in your brain has two parts: a sexual accelerator which notices all the sexually relevant stimulation, and sexual brakes, which detects potential threats or other reasons not to be turned on.  For example, the accelerator notices sexy sounds, sights (very potent for men), and sensations in the “right” context. 

Too Much Stimulation of the Brakes

The brakes notice that there is a risk of kids interrupting or worries about how your body looks.  These brakes-hitting contextual factors are extremely important!  When a woman struggles with sexual pleasure, it is more often because there is too much stimulation to the brakes!

Identify What Hits Your Brakes

Identifying the things that hit your brakes is an essential step in creating a context that allows you to experience pleasure – that lets desire emerge in response to that pleasure.

Review your positive and negative contexts and notice what aspects of the context seem likely to activate your accelerator.  But most importantly, identify what aspects of the context seem likely to hit your brakes.

4. Make context appointments.

Make a concrete, specific plan to create a positive context for yourself and your partner.  You are not setting an appointment to have sex; you are setting an appointment to spend some time together in that context. Decide what the context should be and whose responsibility it is to create various aspects of it.

No Secret Expectations

Set a time and date.  Agree on what you will do.  Neither partner must bring a secret expectation that these are actually “sex appointments” disguised as “connection appointments.”  For responsive desire people, the fastest way to shut down pleasure and desire is to create a feeling of expectation or obligation.

5. Identify and engage in “windows of willingness.”

Related to context appointments, identify times when you are open to a certain level of affection like kissing, hugging, sitting side-by-side, or holding hands. These are your “windows of willingness” – times when you might perceive the world as safe, trustworthy, and affectionate. 

Gradations of Sensual – Sexual Behaviors

Nagoski gives a list of things you might be willing to do inside the window – from hugging to kissing or touching from the waist up to various forms of genital touching.  Each partner may have a separate list of what they are willing to do or receive during this window.  There must be a congruence and a match of preferences. 

Consent Can Be Sexy

A clarity of verbal consent characterizes the “willingness” window.  The willingness-consent conversation can be erotic by itself and help create a good context.  Asking permission and granting permission can be pretty sexy!

Learn How You Respond to Different Contexts

Decide how frequent (and how long) the window will be: three times a day, once a day, three times a week, once a week, once a month, etc.  Nagoski suggests that a couple experiment with windows of willingness for a week, a month, or however long it takes for them to learn how their bodies respond to different contexts. Notice what works and what doesn’t work.  Adjust your windows as you go, looking for more and more pleasurable contexts.

6. Make out like teenagers!

Relationship researcher John Gottman recommends that couples share a daily six-second kiss.  Six seconds. This kiss is dramatically different from the typical “bye, see you tonight” kiss. 

Six Seconds Is Long Enough to Have Impact

Six seconds is too long, says Nagoski, to kiss someone you resent or dislike. It is far too long to kiss someone with whom you feel unsafe.  “Kissing for sex seconds requires that you stop and notice that you like this person, that you trust them, and that you feel affection for them.”  (If you do not like or trust your partner, then responsive desire is not the difficulty you are dealing with in your sex life.)

Oh, To Be Teenagers Again

What if you shared a six-minute kiss every day?  What if you spent six minutes with your hands and mouth on your partner, with the mutual agreement that kissing is all that you would do?  This physical connection is not a preamble to sex.  It is just a few minutes of reminding yourself that affectionate touch feels good.  Remember, pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being.  Perhaps early in your sexual development, you made out for minutes or even hours before having any genital contact.  As teenagers or young adults, we noticed the pleasure of that kind of touching.

7. Make some things off-limits.

Going along with “windows of willingness,” couples often benefit from taking away the pressure to “perform” by making certain things against the “rules.”  For example, if you worry that intercourse will be expected if you begin kissing and hugging, make a rule that intercourse is entirely off the table for a week, a month, three months, or just for that day.

It is worth noting that making things off-limits can heighten anticipation and eventual pleasure.  That kind of “teasing” can be very juicy sex-play!

8. Raise your heart rate together or go “deeper” emotionally.

Most of the sex advice in pop culture is about novelty – try new positions, new techniques, new toys, new porn, or even new partners.  There is no disputing the value of novelty for triggering desire, especially for women.*  (Men are especially wired for the novelty of new partners.) When the brain is exposed to a stimulus for the first time, it will react more intensely than it does to stimulation that it is accustomed to. 

Novel Strategies

But novelty doesn’t have to involve new toys and techniques.  Here are two strategies that can generate novelty.  (Granted, these may be new behaviors.)

Strategy 1:  Do anything that raises your heart rate.  Exercise together. Watch an exciting or scary movie.  Go to big concerts or political rallies.  Do anything that gets your heart pounding.  Take long, fast hikes.  Ride a rollercoaster together.  Your brain will notice your level of excitement, see the person you are with and decide, “Hey, I guess this person is really exciting!”  (These methods increase the accelerator more than decrease the brakes.)

Strategy 2: Go deeper emotionally into your relationship.  Dare to be vulnerable.  Keep the lights on.  Keep your eyes open.  Disclose more.  This kind of emotional “novelty” may enhance your pleasure and desire.

9. Face the “The Wall” together.

When couples are stuck around sexual desire, they may experience what Nagoski calls “The Wall.”  This is the feeling you get when you have considered arranging appointments or “windows of willingness,” and something inside you just withdraws.  You do not feel curiosity,  hope, or even neutrality. Instead, you feel dread or resentment. 

Turn Toward “The Wall” with Curiosity

Nagoski recommends a kind of “gestalt conversation” with “The Wall.”  Turn toward it (as John Gottman might say), lean into it, and ask what it is trying to protect you from.  What does it need?  To face the wall requires an attitude of patience and curiosity. Nagoski suggests that The Wall will gradually tell you what it needs.  Don’t try to bash it down before you are ready.  Stick with levels of intimacy that feel safe or just a tiny bit too risky.  Be gentle and kind with each other.

10. Go to a “party” of your choosing.

Sex therapist Christine Hyde suggests (as an analogy) that you think about a party invitation you receive from a good friend.  You might think of ten reasons not to go (what a hassle!), but you go anyway because a good friend asked.  You get to the party and then, (surprise, surprise) you have a good time!

Create a Party that You Will Enjoy

Don’t ask yourself, “how can I make myself go to more parties?”  The question to ask is:  “What kind of parties do I enjoy attending?”  There is no right or wrong kind of party.   There is just the kind of social experience that is right for you.  So,

 What kind of sex is worth having for you?

What kind of sex is worth setting aside all of your duties and distractions?  When you answer that question, your foot and hand will come off the brakes. Responsive desire will be free to roam “about the cabin.”

 

Conclusion and Summary
  • Responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure. Spontaneous desire emerges in anticipation of pleasure.  Both are normal.
  • Put pleasure at the center of your definition of sexual well-being, and allow desire to emerge from pleasure.
  • Sexual pleasure, especially for women, is context-dependent. Sensations only feel pleasurable and give rise to desire in a sex-positive context; for most people, that means low stress, high affection, high trust, and explicitly erotic.
  • Most difficulties with pleasure and desire are related to too much “braking” rather than not enough “accelerating.”
  • Couples who maintain strong sexual connections over multiple decades share two traits: 1) they have a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship, and 2) they prioritize sex. They decide that it is essential for the relationship to spend some alone time together, skin to skin, connected in an intimate, personal, and playful way.
Related Posts

Spontaneous and Response Desire — the Underbelly of Heterosexual Mating 

Is Your Sexual Foot On the Accelerator or Brake?

Note

*My next post (April 13) will explain why women are sexually “bored.”

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Assortative Mating and Indian Match-Making — “Caste” in Stone?

Assortative Mating and Indian Match-Making — “Caste” in Stone?

by | Aug 11, 2020 | Dating & Mating Economy, Steven's Story, Women's Issues

Often described as one of the architectural wonders of the world, the stunning 17th-century white marble Taj Mahal was built by the Mughal emperor, Shah Jahan, as a mausoleum for his beloved wife Mumtaz who died giving birth to their 14th child. Mumtaz was Shah Jahan’s third and favorite wife, and their love story is legendary. The Taj Mahal is a symbol of Indian love and marriage that is congenial to prescribed gender roles. Yet some historians believe Mumtaz wielded considerable political power and influence. She was not exactly a dutiful wife despite being pregnant all the time. Reportedly, she was an excellent chess player and was ambitious, if not ruthless. Apparently, imperial women in the Mughal period exercised significant political authority.

Hold that thought. (I will get back to the Taj Mahal.)

 
Indian Matchmaking on Netflix

Television comedies, dramas, and reality shows almost always contain stories about love, romance, and the challenges of finding a mate. I have always found narratives and situations that explicate evolutionary psychology and mate selection science in these shows. These past two weeks I found myself fascinated by the Netflix show Indian Matchmaking. This show demonstrates “assortative mating” through the lens of Indian culture.

Indian Matchmaking is a reality-based “confection” (filmed in pre-Covid, 2019) that tastes pretty good on the tip of the tongue as entertainment but has layers of after-taste that are disheartening about marriage-making in India and in the American desi community. Indian Matchmaking has more than a hint of satire and perhaps a political message of self-deprecation. It can be quite educational to American audiences who are mostly ignorant (like myself) of Indian culture, although critics caution that it is an incomplete view of modern Indians. Released on July 16, Indian Matchmaking was a top 10 Netflix series in the U.S. for weeks, and number one in India.

 

 What is Assortative Mating?

Assortative mating is the tendency to pursue and be attracted to someone who is similar in age, socio-economic status, educational attainment, geographic location, religion, physical appearance, and facial attractiveness. Assortative mating is the dominant force in the mating market around the world—with some unique cultural expressions, as we shall see.

 

What is Caste?

Caste is a form of social stratification characterized by hereditary status and the custom of marrying only within the limits of a local community, clan, or tribe (endogamy). Caste includes stratification by occupational status in a hierarchy and social exclusion based upon cultural notions of purity. Modern India’s caste system is based on colonial imposition on the four-fold system (Varna) found in ancient Hindu texts. There are five levels of caste if you also count the lowest group, the Dalits (untouchables). Scholars believe the Varna system was never truly operational in India society . The practical division of society has always been in terms of birth groups (Jatis) which are not based on any religious principle, but could vary from ethnic groups, to occupations, to geographical areas. However varied and amorphous in its application, caste remains as an idea of social stratification that is a function of hereditary status. (See below for thoughts about caste in the U.S. spurred by the just published, Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents, by Isabel Wilkerson.)

 

What is Colorism?

Colorism is the discrimination people face, usually within their own racial group(s) where lighter skin tones/complexions are seen as more desirable than darker skin tones. With this prejudice, people are treated differently based on the social implications and cultural meanings that are attached to skin color.

 

Mate Selection and Assortative Mating – Indian Style

Assortative mating is the utilitarian workings of a mating marketplace – to “buy, sell, and deal.” The objective is to get the best deal available in an ever-moving landscape (chessboard) of mating game dynamics. It is the musical chair you are in when both people decide to decide. Assortative mating is the conscious and unconscious sausage-making of finding a partner within the boundaries of a person’s mate value and opportunities in a mating pool.

A match-making show is based on the long-term mating strategy for both sexes – the search and intention to create a life-long pair bond. In Indian Matchmaking, the male short-term sexual strategy is nearly absent. While attraction is understood, sexual chemistry is barely implied or acknowledged.

 

An Interesting Variation

Assortative mating “Indian style” is an interesting variation. Here we see the usual assortative dynamics of the match-making process superseded by the requisites of the culture itself. Assortative mating means sorting by caste, socioeconomic standing, religion, (they all overlap), and parental preference. Indian Matchmaking uses short-cut phrasing such as “family background” to capture all of this.

 

Power of Parental Choice

What stands out with Indian match-making is the immense power of parental choice (especially the mother) and the need to join two families in a marriage partnership. This has a long tradition in human cultures, especially with the merging of families of power or royalty. The influence of a 3,000-year Indian caste system is veiled but literally shows its “colors” on Indian Matchmaking. And the conversation about caste generated in response has powerfully dove-tailed into the current “awakening” of race in America. More on that later.

 

Major Sociological Themes in Indian Matchmaking

Here is the panoply of themes to be found in this “playful” reality TV show:

  • Generational divide – old world vs. new, parent vs. child
  • Tradition and/or modernity
  • India vs. the wider diaspora in the U.S. and Canada
  • Agency of adult children vs. paternalism
  • Influence of caste and colorism (shadeism)
  • Class, religion, and ancestral region (“family background”)
  • Female equality and aspirations
  • Destiny, fate, and influence of cosmological forces
Major Themes of Mate Selection in Indian Matchmaking (see definitions below)
  • Assortative mating
  • Trait preferences in a long-term mating strategy
  •  Mate value (especially physical attractiveness and “family background”)
  • Mate value trajectory
  • Mating economy and marketplace
  • Mating Intelligence or lack thereof
  • Mating pool

Time and space do not permit me to cover all of the above themes, but if you watch the show (again), look for these themes to increase your interest.

 

“Caste” of Indian Matchmaking

Indian Matchmaking compares and contrasts match-making inside of India vs. the United States. Here are the main characters:

  • Sima (Mumbai): Professional matchmaker. Hindu. (F)
  • Aparna (Houston): Lawyer. Hindu. Sindhi. (F)
  • Pradhyuman (Mumbai): Jeweler. Hindu. Marwari. (M)
  • Akshay (Mumbai): Businessman. Hindu. (M)
  • Nadia (New Jersey): Event Planner. Hindu. Guyanese. (F)
  • Vyasar (Austin): H.S. Counselor. Hindu. Kshatriya. (M)
  • Ankita (Delhi): Businesswoman. Hindu. Baniya. (F)
  • Rupam (Denver): Divorced mom. Sikh. (F)
  • Richa (San Diego): Unknown. (F)
Trait Preferences – An Indian Long-term Mating Strategy

Indian Matchmaking reveals and verifies tenets of male sex appeal and female sex appeal from an evolutionary perspective. Female clients (and especially their parents) are looking for a tall, ambitious “boy” who must make as much or more money than the woman, if she is working. Male clients (and especially their parents) are looking for a relatively tall, pretty, fair-skinned “girl” who has a pleasing and “flexible” personality.

As writer Sonia Saraiya noted in Vanity Fair, “matchmaking quite literally regulates reproduction by determining the bounds of their descendant’s gene pool. It diminishes the individual’s personal choice in favor of the collective stability.”

 

“The Boys Just Want Pretty Girls”

Indian Matchmaking has been criticized (see below) for its portrayal of the criteria of physical attractiveness in choosing a mate. This preference is a cultural universal, but we actually see quite a bit of flexibility shown by the show’s hopeful clients. Less so by their parents.

Ankita is told by her parents and others that “boys just want pretty girls.” The show seems to view this as shallow or at least unfortunate. Ankita jokes that she would like to find someone who looks like David Beckham or the Indian film star, Abhay Deol. To her credit, Ankita knows this is a severe “mate value mismatch” given her own level of physical beauty. (Sima describes Ankita to a fellow matchmaker saying “she is not photogenic.”) Ironically, we see Ankita in Delhi working with gorgeous female models to display and sell her garments.

Overall, the show does not focus on “pretty girls” or handsome men. Vyasar finds his matches to be pleasing even though they are quite overweight. His second match, Rashi, admits in one scene that “it takes a lot to make this look good. Beauty is pain.” Vyasar seems to unconsciously know his own mate value given his financial resources and level of physical fitness.

 

Beauty as Cultural Universal

Human beings share universal, hard-wired preferences for physical traits that are pleasing to the eye — traits we find sexually attractive and aesthetically pleasing, or “beautiful.” Beauty is highly prized in prospective mates because it is a proxy for reproductive fitness and genetic strength. It is more than mere aesthetics. Beauty is nature’s shorthand for health and fertility, for reproductive capacity — visual cues that a woman or man has the potential to bestow good genes on future generations. Attraction and beauty are mostly inseparable from each other and from sexual selection generally.

“Beauty may be in the eyes of the beholder, but those eyes, and the minds behind the eyes, have been shaped by millions of years of human evolution.” (David Buss, The Evolution of Desire, p. 53)

Ideal Beauty is Rare

It is notable that Indian Matchmaking has only one example of “ideal” female beauty. Pradhyuman takes fashion model and actress, Rushali (former Miss Delhi), riding at a horse stable. When he first sees her bio-data picture, he asks Sima, “why have I not seen someone like this before? Now you are on the right track.”

 

Mate Value

Finding a “workable” match with the highest mate value is the job of the matchmaker. Sima knew intuitively who rated a “5” and who rated a “9” or “10”. While considering the client’s and family’s desire for everything on the criteria list (the “best deal”), she had to start with the basics – a match “sorted” by physical attractiveness/stature, socioeconomic class, and caste background. In business decision-making, it is known that some criteria are more important (weighted) than others. So it is with human mating. Attractiveness for the women has a criteria weight that is 2-5 times greater than her career. For the man, his career and financial security are rated 2-5 times more than his personality or his physical appearance. “Chemistry” or “clicking” cannot be predicted absolutely and is part of match-making magic, or destiny in its most benevolent form.

 

Mate Value Trajectory

Most of the mate value matching attempts were sorted correctly by Sima. But there were a couple of mismatches because of the influence of poor mate value trajectory – a criterion applied almost exclusively to men.

Vyasar is an affable, engaging, sensitive person with great communication skills and a penchant for over-sharing early in the process (certainly early if this was a normal dating environment). He is a high school counselor and no doubt has the weakest financial and family profile of any of the male clients. While it starts out promising, there seem to be a host of incompatibilities with his first match, Manisha, who is a Research Health Analyst in North Carolina. Manisha finally admits to the deal-breaker: Vyasar’s poor mate value trajectory and ambition. “You can be a nice person, but that is not going to pay the bills five years from now.” Sima acknowledges on camera that Manisha “did not find Vyasar’s earnings sufficient.”

Aparna is hard to please almost to the point of satire. Her mother not only wanted her to have three degrees but tells Sima that money is not secondary for her prospective mate; the man must not be less successful than her. We come to know the degree to which Aparna has been conditioned for achievement by her mother and has “inherited” her mother’s failed-marriage trauma. She sees her mother every day. Aparna has a good date (especially for her) with a guy named Srini. He is very affable and articulate, a public speaker and author of three books. But Srini admits to financial insecurity and lack of clarity about what happens next in his career. Aparna immediately glazes over. No trajectory. Srini is seen as a loser. Aparna jettisons him quicker than you can say “Bollywood.”

 

Mating Pool

The entire enterprise of match-making in desi communities is affected by a restricted dating pool. Aparna acknowledges this directly (she is, if nothing else, rational) referring to her age in the first episode: “At 34, there is not a huge pool for me.” The pool is even more restricted for Rupam who is divorced with a daughter. This is “two strikes” in any dating scenario, let alone a culture where divorce is historically frowned upon. Sima knows it will be tough to find her a match. Rupam ultimately finds another Sikh man on Bumble.

 

Mating Intelligence (MI)

Vyasar says he “does not know how to make romance.” Although he has preoccupations of a quintessential “beta male” (dungeons and dragons among them), he actually is quite romantic and has a fair amount of mating intelligence. But he does lack confidence – the most important MI trait for a man.

Akshay is quite deficient in MI. He has never really had a girlfriend and is probably a 25-year-old virgin. That apparently is a possibility even for a successful urban millennial male in India. One culture writer even ventured that Akshay is actually in love with his cousin Mansha, who gets quite a bit of screen time.

Sex?

It is worth noting (again) that sex and sexual experience is nearly absent on this show. The astrologer brings it up once, as does the life coach. It seems this topic is mostly “undiscussable.” One or two of the older, arranged-married couples playfully allude to sex.

Then there is Nadia and Vinay. She goes out with him six or seven times. What was their sexual connection? He “ghosts” her for dubious reasons, although that seems to be a source of ongoing debate, post-production. Nadia is the “full package.” She has an adorable personality, infectious laugh, and is very pretty. And she is Guyanese. Hmm. We are left to wonder about caste, but mostly in this case, about sexual chemistry inside the Indian match-making equation.

 

Female Equality, Agency, and Aspirations – Modernity Faces Paternalism

Anna Purna Kambhampaty reported (Time, July 24, 2020) that “approximately 90% of all Indian marriages [in India] are arranged. About 74% of Indians between the ages of 18 and 35 prefer it that way.” Yet, there are a few intersecting sociological issues revealed in Indian Matchmaking:

  • Tension between the traditions of older Indians and the desi community, versus the perspectives and needs of their more modern, adult children.
  • The apparent paternalism of the Indian family structure and its effect on the agency and choices of their adult children.
  • Equality, independence, and empowerment of Indian and desi women and how they navigate the expectations for marriage held by their families and community.
Go Ankita!

In Indian Matchmaking, Ankita holds the vision of female empowerment inside of India, but she also struggles to stay connected to her family. “Just because you are independent does not make you non-marriageable, or stubborn, or arrogant,” she says. “I do not need a man’s support.” And yet, Ankita still lives with her family in Delhi. Her father describes her as ahead of her time but later agrees with his wife that Ankita is rebellious.

Ankita has strong commitment to her career but wants a relationship, at least in the beginning of the show. She joked to friends about the match-making process: “This is like Tinder premium, but the family is involved. Families also have to swipe right.” Sima cautions, “things don’t work out without the guidance from the parents.”

 

Aspirations and Real Choice?

Indian women have aspirations but the match-making process and family involvement seem to mitigate against real choice. Sima says more than once, “in India nowadays, the boy and girl can refuse. They have full freedom.” Really? The language of paternalism is always present – the words “boy”, “girl”, and “auntie” (Sima).

An opening vignette of an older arranged-married couple complains that “girls are so independent; boys want their wife to be submissive.” Ironically, in most of these older couples the woman does most of the talking. One husband underscores a well-worn cliché: “happy wife, happy life.”

 

Overbearing is an Understatement

The archetypal overbearing Indian mother is Akshay’s mother, Preeti. Preeti says the “girl” must be flexible and adjust in order to join her family and her home. Under tremendous pressure from Preeti, Akshay almost marries the “Udaipur girl,” Radhika, who hardly said a word when they were together with the parents. However, when alone with Akshay, she said she wanted to be a working woman. Akshay thought he wanted a women who was also modern, but on this issue, he opined: “I don’t think she is enough like my mother.”

 

Negative but (mostly) Her Own Agent

Aparna was portrayed as “Ms. Negativity” with absolutely no intention to “improve” for any man. She famously said after one date: “It’s a big deal that I don’t hate him.” Sima retorts: “I think she has a block in her energy.” The astrologer said Aparna was “fickle-minded” and “rude in speech.” I found her redeemable and interesting. And she has had defenders (nearly all women) in the social media sphere. She too is seen as exhibiting female aspiration and agency in spades. Aparna has started a travel business as a side hustle called  My Golden Balloon, which should improve her outlook.

 

“Caste-ing” Aspersions – Indian-American (Women) Thought Leaders

Since its debut, Indian Matchmaking has drawn criticism from Indian and U.S. media for sidestepping issues of colorism, dowry, sexism, body shaming, and caste. The strongest voices have come from female writers in the desi community.

 

The Atlantic (Culture) — Yashica Dutt

Yashica Dutt, writing for The Atlantic, said “caste appears on almost every criteria list that the marriage hopefuls lay out. By coding cast in harmless phrases such as ‘similar background’, ‘shared communities’, and ‘respectable families’, the show does exactly what upper-caste Indian families tend to do when discussing this fraught subject: it makes caste invisible.”

“The caste system is an active form of discrimination that persists in India and within the Indian American diaspora.” Dutt criticized Indian Matchmaking for not portraying couples who identify as Muslim, Christian, or Dalit — communities that represent 40 percent of India’s 1 billion-plus population.

 

Sanjena Sathian — New York Times

Sanjena Sathian takes a hard look at the show’s idea of “adjustment” for brides-to-be.  “The show asks us to consider whether adjustment connotes open-mindedness or gender imbalance. The unsettling answer seems to be that it’s both.”

 

Sonia Saraiya — Vanity Fair

Sonia Saraiya reports that India’s National Family Health Survey (2005) found 37 percent of women in India had experienced some kind of physical or sexual abuse. She says women are often cut off from access to household funds. She says Indian marriages are frequently unhappy and unequal. On a personal note she concludes: “the price of belonging to an Indian culture is to leave some of your individuality behind – and for me at least, it was a price I was not willing to pay.”

 

Scaachi Koul — Buzz Feed News

Koul says the representation from Indian Matchmaking isn’t wrong, it’s’ just one version of the story. “These stories are always about middle-class, or outright rich people, Brahmin Hindus, the people who live in big cities like Mumbai and Delhi. I don’t feel burdened by my South Asian identity, by my family’s often archaic and frustrating rules, or by my big nose and consonant-heavy name. Rather, I feel burdened by the white supremacy that taught me not to go into the sun lest I get dark and by the sexism my father showed when he wanted me to get an arranged marriage.”

 

Mallika Rao – Vulture

“Hindus are largely casteist. Much of India, today, leans Hindu supremacist. Marriage is a business and a game, whether in India or America, and grotesque from many angles.”

 

In America: “Caste is the Bones, Race the Skin”

In her recently published book, Caste: the Origins of Our Discontents, Isabel Wilkerson asserts that the Indian system of caste hierarchy explains more about the racial divide in America than does the idea of race alone. “Race, in the United States, is the visible agent of the unseen force of caste. Caste is the bones, race the skin.” Reviewing the book in The New Yorker, Indian scholar Sunil Khilnani writes: “Underlying and predating racism, and holding white supremacy in place, is a system of social domination: a caste structure that uses neutral human differences, skin color among them, as the basis for ranking human value.” Wilkerson says a caste system tends to promote dehumanization and stigmatization of lower castes and a belief in the superiority of the dominant caste.

 

Revisiting the Taj Mahal

Indian Matchmaking did not start the discussion about caste but it has given it resonance. A cringe-worthy reality show on Netflix about choosing mates has played a part in getting our attention to face the human predilection for hierarchy and the way to get past it. Creator of the show, Smriti Mundhra, said she hoped the show “will spark a lot of conversation that all of us need to be having in the South Asian community with our families – that it’ll be a jumping-off point for reflections about the things we prioritize and the things we internalize.”

There does seem to be a convergence of new awareness in the mind of American and Indian viewers. Certainly, the conversation about caste in America is just beginning.

Endogenous marriage is not the worst societal outcome of the caste system, but there must be a sweet spot for South Asian women that includes modern expressions of power and influence, while also holding respect for traditional culture. Ankita is the heroine carrying the torch for modern womanhood, especially inside India. “It is time to be equal,” says Ankita.

Just ask Mumtaz Mahal. You know where to find her.

 

Appendix: Definitions relevant to Indian Matchmaking

Most of the definitions below come from the Terms & Definitions section of Matingstraighttalk.com.

cultural universals
Cultural universals are evolutionary processes of sexual selection and natural selection that appear with little variation in any and all human cultures, past or present. Known also as “human universals,” cultural universals are behavior traits that are universal across human populations.

desi
A person born or living in another country whose ancestry is from India, Pakistan, or Bangladesh.

diasporic community
A widely dispersed community as a result of a natural disaster, politics, etc. Diaspora – a dispersion of people from their original homeland or the community formed by those people.

long-term mating strategy
Mating strategy to attract a mate to ensure sexual access and fidelity (especially for men) and the provision of resources and protection of children over time (especial for women.) A long-term strategy is predominant for women and forms the basis of our ancient pair-bond and tendency toward a monogamous (albeit serial) human culture.

mating economy/marketplace
Interaction between mating strategies of men and women given their individual mate value, mating priorities, trade-offs, and conditions/sex ratio of the local mating environment. Subject to a “collision” between a woman’s long-term strategy and a man’s short-term mating strategy, the mating marketplace commonly “sorts” by similarities (see assortative mating).

mating intelligence
Entire set of universal cognitive processes (mating mechanisms) that underlie human mating psychology: assessing one’s mate value and the mate value of others, modifying one’s mating behavior as a function of ecological conditions, displaying one’s self in an attractive manner, assessing the mate relevant thoughts of a potential partner and discriminating dishonest mating signals from honest ones. Mating intelligence also includes (more recently in EP) individual differences in creativity (courtship display mechanisms) such as musical ability, artistic ability and sense of humor.

mating pool
Available, “suitable” mates (by standards of similarity; equal mate value or above) in the local, proximate physical environment and/or in the digital environment that can be reliably accessed.

mate value
Degree of attractiveness a person embodies as perceived by potential mates, relative to the local mating pool. Men with resources, status and larger physical attributes (height and v-torso) have greater mate value than men who are less successful and smaller. Women who are physically beautiful (signaling fertility) have greater mate value than average looking women. Creativity, humor, generosity, and intelligence also influence value attributions. Mate value rankings of 1-10 are in colloquial usage with moderate reliably and agreement. Mate value drives the initial mate selection process.

mate value mismatch
Usually a temporary condition of unsuccessful courtship behavior. When a person (most commonly a man) romantically pursues another person who has significantly higher mate value. A mating strategy that is strategically and evolutionarily unsustainable.

mate value trajectory
Assessment of future mate value, most commonly made by a woman about a man, given his socio-economic family background, education, career track, education, and traits of industriousness and ambition.

paternalism
The policy or practices by people in positions of authority that restrict the freedom and responsibilities of subordinates supposedly in the subordinate’s best interest.

short-term mating strategy
As an evolutionary adaptation, men’s short-term mating strategy seeks more immediate sexual access and variety of partners to garner genetic fecundity. Men’s short-term strategy is more predominant than men’s long-term strategy but the difference is less pronounced behaviorally in modern times. A woman’s short-term strategy seeks short-term mating in order to secure resources for survival and higher quality genes to pass on to potential offspring. A woman’s short-term strategy is decidedly less predominant than her long-term strategy.

Photo Credit: shalender kumar from Pixabay 

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