Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships

Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships

by | Apr 12, 2021 | Relationship Issues, Sexuality, Tips for Couples, Women's Issues

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” ~ Mae West

In my last post, (Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Responsive Desire), I shared the advice Emily Nagoski gives to couples to improve their sex life.  Nagoski and other sex educators describe the dominant mode of women’s sexuality as “responsive.”  Women need sufficient sexual stimuli and an appropriate context to move from a place of neutrality to being aroused and desirous of a sexual connection. Nagoski recommends that couples raise their heart rate together or go deeper emotionally to trigger desire instead of creating novelty through new sex toys and techniques.  That is good advice.  But make no mistake, women need more novelty than men in an ongoing sexual relationship.  Men have a lower threshold for sexual motivation and stimulation, and their orgasms are more predictable.  Women need more varied stimulation than men, and their orgasms are definitely not assured.

In fact, there is an emerging trend related to female sexuality in an ongoing relationship.  As the headline from an Atlantic article succinctly put it, women are “The Bored Sex.”

“Female sexual boredom could almost pass for the new beige.” ~Wednesday Martin (Atlantic)

Variety and Novelty – Sex Differences

Men are neurologically built to desire a variety of partners, more so than women.  Women are built to need and want more variety of stimulation (physical and emotional) from one man over time for sexual fulfillment.  In a monogamous pair bond, it is the woman, more often than the man, who will need more diverse stimuli and breaks from routine in order to be aroused and orgasmic.

Mating Science Background

Men want a variety of partners as dictated by the foundational predominance of a short-term sexual mating strategy. (See “Coolidge Effect” in Appendix.)  Women prefer a specific singular partner as dictated by their predominant long-term sexual strategy and need for parental investment.  Alfred Kinsey: “There seems to be no question but that the human male would be promiscuous in his choice of sexual partners throughout the whole of his life if there were no social restrictions.  The human female is much less interested in a variety of partners.”

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire – Accelerator and Brake

Men (in aggregate) need less variety and novelty in an ongoing sexual relationship than women do because of their predominant “spontaneous” sexual response and a sex drive that accelerates with pursuit.

Women (in aggregate) need more novelty and variety in an ongoing relationship because of the fragility and complexity of their predominant “responsive” desire mechanism that often “brakes” out of caution.  (See Appendix for “Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Mind Responsive Desire” and “Supply and Demand Influences on Responsive Desire.”)

It’s Not the Sex She Wants

Manhattan psychiatrist, Andrew Gotzis, was treating a straight couple in their 40s; they had been together close to 20 years.  They reportedly had sex three times a week.  (Quite above the normal for a couple in a relationship of that duration.) The woman had orgasms but was still dissatisfied.   As Gotzis described the situation, “The problem is not that they are functionally unable to have sex or to have orgasms.  Or frequency.  It’s that the sex they’re having isn’t what she wants.” The woman wants to be wanted by her partner in that “can’t-get-enough-of-each-other-way that experts call “limerence” – the initial period of a relationship when it’s all new and hot.

Habituation to Stimulus

This woman may be an idealist, unrealistic, selfish, or entitled.  But her sexual struggles in a long-term relationship, orgasms, and frequency of sex notwithstanding, make her normal.  Although most people in a sexual partnership end up facing the conundrum biologists call “habituation to stimulus” over time, a growing body of research suggests that heterosexual women are likely to face this problem earlier in a relationship than men. Men seem to manage wanting what they already have, while women struggle with it.

Don’t Move In With Your Boyfriend

In a study of 11,500 British adults aged 16-74,  women were more likely to lose interest in sex after one year of cohabitation.  Newsweek (2017) reported this study and others with the cautionary title addressed to women:  “Moving in with Your Boyfriend Can Kill Your Sex Drive.”   “Women living with a partner were more likely to lack an interest in sex than those in other relationship categories.”

A 2012 study (Journal of Sex Marital Therapy) of 170 men and women aged 18-25 found that women’s desire, not men’s, was negatively affected by relationship duration after controlling for age, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction.

Female Desire Tanked in Germany and Finland

Two German longitudinal studies, published in 2002 and 2006, showed female desire dropped dramatically after 90 months while male desire held relatively steady.  Women who did not live with their partners seemed to avoid the “effects of overfamiliarity.”

And a seven-year Finnish study (2016) of more than 2,100 women by Annika Gunst found that women’s sexual desire varied depending upon relationship status.  Those in the same relationship reported less desire, arousal, and satisfaction.

Wanting Monogamy and Having Desire Are Different

Many, if not most women, want monogamy.   But as Wednesday Martin wrote for the Atlantic, “wanting monogamy isn’t the same as feeling desire in a long-term monogamous partnership.”

Women’s Lower Baseline Libido

There is evidence that women have a lower baseline libido as measured by the frequency of sexual thoughts, fantasies, masturbation, and desire for sexual activity.  Psychiatrist and sexual health practitioner Elisabeth Gordon reported that women disproportionately presented with a lower sexual desire than their male partners after a year or more and in the longer term.  (See “Sex Drive Defined” in Appendix.)

Just Not the Same Sex Over and Over

However, Gordon says women “regularly start relationships equally excited for sex.”  As Martin puts it, “women in long-term, committed heterosexual partnerships might think they’ve gone off sex – but it’s more that they’ve gone off the same sex with the same person over and over.

“When couples want to remain in a monogamous relationship, a key component of treatment is to help couples add novelty,” Gordon advised.  (Women are the primary consumers of sex-related technology, lubricants, and of course, lingerie.)

Long-term Relationships Are Rough On Female Desire

Author and sex researcher Marta Meana says, “long-term relationships are rough on desire, especially female desire.”  Meana and colleague Karen Sims conducted a qualitative study on 19 married women (Journal of Sexual Martial therapy) and found that most women were pleased with their partners – just not their sex lives.  Three interrelated reasons emerged to explain participants’ loss of libido.

Three Reasons for Female Libido Loss

While female sexuality generally prefers emotional connection and familiarity to thrive, Meana discovered that institutionalization of the relationship, overfamiliarity, and de-sexualization of roles in a long-term heterosexual partnership could mess with female passion.

1. Institutionalization

For many of the women studied by Meana and Sims, marital sex was a snooze.  They were simply bored with the routine of ever-available marital sex. As described by Kaye Smith in Married Women Talk About Why They Don’t Want Sex, “bed-breaking premarital sex can dwindle to Saturday morning missionary-only encounters hurriedly sandwiched between Junior’s soccer game and Fluffy’s deworming.”  It is too sanitized and socially sanctioned.  And obligation to have sex is a guaranteed buzzkill.  If you are expected to make your partner sexually happy, it is a turn-off.

2. Familiarity Breeds Contempt

The second issue that the women complained about was over-familiarity.  It was the romance of early love, the pre-relationship dating days with all its novelty, anticipation, and uncertainty that they longed for the most.  “Familiarity breeds contempt” is never more true than in the bedroom.  Another buzzkill is doing the same thing, the same way, every time.   One woman in the Meana study said:  “When you are married, you know exactly how your husband is going to touch you.  There is a comfort with each other, but it’s not as exciting . . . the desire is lost.”   Many women talked about how they could predict what their husbands would do next and in what order.

“You Just Gotta Stop”

As one exasperated 33-year old woman told her husband: “things like grabbing me and touching me would really get me excited (in the past).  But doing the same things now completely turn me off.   “You cannot just grab my breast like that anymore – it no longer turns me on – you just gotta stop.”

If you know what will happen next, your brain (and other body parts) say “why bother?” Desire is fueled by the neurotransmitter dopamine, which rises in response to novelty and anticipation.

3. De-sexualization of Roles and Maternal Sensory Overload

Most of the women spoke of being absolutely depleted by their to-do list.  And sex did not have priority on that list. (This is evidence of responsive desire).  Also, many felt there was an incompatibility between the role of mom and the role of “vixen.”  Interestingly, for mothers of small children, the constant tactile demands of caring for a child left them feeling “over-touched” – on sensory overload – and not in the mood for more skin contact.

Paradox and Complexity of Female Desire

Female sexual response is fragile and complex with opposing or paradoxical elements active, side-by-side, at any given moment. Female desire is enhanced by arousing ambivalence but in a manageable way.  Too much ambivalence, and you are left to feel too anxious; too little, and you are bored.

Women Want to Be Wanted More than Anything Else

Smith says women are socialized to romanticize sex.  Women want to be wanted – often more than anything else.  Women fantasize about being the object of a hot stud’s desire (ala Fifty Shades of Grey).  But, in being the object, women paradoxically assume power.  The rape fantasy is all about being desired; it is NOT about being defeated or abused.

What Can Be Done to Turn Women On?

Certainly, socializing women to be passive in the bedroom doesn’t work and leads to sexual disappointment and boredom.  There is still an education problem.  Women are not told about their anatomy; they masturbate less than men and often have sex based on what works for men.  (According to research, only 29% of women always have an orgasm during sexual intercourse, in comparison to 75% of men.)

Life-Long Hot Sex is Not Realistic

The idea that life-long love means nonstop hot sex is probably not realistic either.  (Nor does it comport with biological imperatives and hormonal shifts in long-term relationships, especially  relationships with children.)  Smith suggests, “if we could just lighten up about sex – see it as adult play perhaps – we would be better off.”

Mating in Captivity – the Polarity of Female Desire

Esther Perel (Mating In Captivity) brilliantly explains the polarities animating human sexual desire, especially for women.  “Desire is fueled by the unknown, and for that reason, it’s inherently anxiety-producing.  Eroticism resides in the ambiguous space between anxiety and fascination.  Without an element of uncertainty, there is no longing, no anticipation, no fission.”

Fundamental Needs Seeking Reconciliation

Two fundamental human needs seek reconciliation.  On the one hand, we need security, predictability, safety, and dependability.  We require reliability and permanence; all of these are anchoring, grounding experiences in our lives.  This anchoring is especially necessary for women as predicted by evolutionary science and a woman’s mating strategy designed to protect children.

But we have an equally strong need for adventure, novelty, mystery, and risk.  We are stimulated by a little “danger,” the unknown, the unexpected.  Surprise turns us on.  Taking a “journey” together (actual travel) is often good for our sex lives.

From Passionate to Intentional Sexuality

“Erotic couples know how to manage the transition from passionate sexuality to intentional sexuality,” says Perel.  “They understand that it not only takes work but also creativity – like when you want a beautiful meal rather than just a quick bite.” Emilly Nagoski describes “context appointments” and “windows of willingness.” (See Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Responsive Desire).  She often tells women:  “You don’t have to be horny first.  You don’t have to crave sex before you start having sex.  You just have to be willing to try some intimate contact with pleasure as the only goal.”

Remain Curious, My Friend

Sexual boredom can only happen when you are no longer curious, says author Jack Morin (The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment).  So, here’s to continued curiosity about the enigma and beauty of female desire.  I will never get bored with that.

My Next Post

My next post will continue the theme of female sexual boredom and dissatisfaction by explaining the problems of 1) “sex-is-intercourse,” 2) “clitphobia,” 3) sexual “lockjaw,” 4) the orgasm gap, and 5) “male sex deficit.”  Stayed tuned for that!

 
References

Sims, K. & Meana, M.; “Why did passion wane? A qualitative study of married women’s attributions for declines in sexual desire.”  Journal of Sex Marital Therapy; 2010, 36 (4) 360-380.

Murray, S. & Milhausen, R.; “Sexual desire and relationship duration in young men and women.” Journal of Sex Marital Therapy. 2012; 38 (1) 28-40.

Appendix

The “Coolidge Effect”

The story is told that President Coolidge and the first lady were given separate tours of newly formed government farms.  Upon passing the chicken coops and noticing a rooster copulating with a hen, Mrs. Coolidge inquired about how often the rooster performed this duty.  “Dozens of times each day,” replied the guide.  Mrs. Coolidge asked the guide to “please mention this fact to the president.”  When the president passed by later and was informed of the sexual vigor of the rooster, he asked, “always with the same hen?”  “Oh no,” the guide replied, “a different one each time.”  “Please tell that to Mrs. Coolidge,” said the president.

And so the Coolidge Effect was named, referring to the tendency of males to be sexually re-aroused upon the presentation of novel females, giving them a further impulse to gain sexual access to multiple women.  The Coolidge Effect is a widespread mammalian trait that has been documented many times.  Male rats, rams, cattle, and sheep all show the effect.   Men across cultures show the Coolidge Effect.

Sex Drive Defined

Sex drive is commonly defined as the frequency of sexual thoughts, frequency of masturbation, interest in sexual activity with another person, frequency of intercourse in a specified period, desire for multiple sex partners, habits of pornography use, response to erotic images in everyday life, and frequency and nature of sexual fantasies. 

Sex is not really a drive, according to Emily Nagoski (Come As You Are, 2015), because it is not necessary for personal survival.  She calls it an “incentive motivation system.”  But calling sexual desire a motivation system and not a drive (which takes away the pejorative label of dysfunction for women) does not change the fact that men think about and have the urge to engage in sexual behavior (all components above) more than women, primarily because of greater levels of testosterone and the accompanying power of their predominant short-term mating strategy.

Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Mind Responsive Desire

Female “responsive” desire must be “woken up” by direct, in-coming stimulation.  Women have a greater capacity than men to experience out-of-sight-out-of-mind concerning their sexual desire, partly because of the differences in visual sexual triggers. 

Related to “out-of-mind,” women may not be dramatically bothered by their desire loss.  That “meta-emotion” (feeling about a feeling) might depend upon the degree of parental energy expended by the woman and the degree to which her safety and security needs are met. 

Supply and Demand Influences on Responsive Desire

Sex for most women is an abundant resource; it is not in short supply.  It is a need (within the confines of self-imposed selective preferences) that can almost always be met.  Therefore, there is no need to attend to it.  Out-of-sight, out-of-mind makes sense.  If the refrigerator is full, there is no need to fantasize or strategize about how to get food.  If there is a man “pulling up” (like a bus) every five minutes, there is no need to worry about missing or choosing not to take the last bus. 

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Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Female Responsive Desire

Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Female Responsive Desire

by | Mar 29, 2021 | Relationship Issues, Sexuality, Tips for Couples, Women's Issues

Sexuality, Women’s Issues, Relationship Issues, and Tips for Couples

In her landmark book, Come As You Are,  Emily Nagoski describes the central sexual response mechanism in the brains of men and women.   There is a sexual excitation system (SES) or “accelerator” that is dominant in most males. The sexual excitation system often activates male sexual desire.  It has a sense of urgency, eagerness, and passion – men pursue under its influence. Nagoski calls this “spontaneous” desire.

Foot Brake and Hand Brake

Females most often operate out of their sexual inhibition system.  This system notices all potential threats in the environment and sends a signal from the brain to the genitals to “turn-off” for fear of consequences.  Nagoski calls this the “foot brake.”  But there is also a “hand brake” activated by the fear of performance or a combination of mental chatter, stressors, and self-consciousness.  When the female sexual inhibition system is relatively quiet, women most often function from a state of responsive desire. 

Responsive Desire Moves from Place of Neutrality

Responsive desire occurs when one is willing to engage in sex, although not initially feeling desire or sexual arousal.  With sufficient sexual stimuli and an appropriate context, responsive desire allows a woman to move from a place of neutrality to being aroused and desirous of a sexual connection. 

Responsive Desire Emerges from Pleasure

Some women may be taught (or just believe) that desire is supposed to “arrive” spontaneously, as it often does for men.   Desire can arise in anticipation of pleasure, but Nagoski says responsive sexual desire emerges in response to pleasure.  The key to making the most of responsive desire is to maximize pleasure.

Ten Ways to Maximize Responsive Desire

(Adapted from 10 Tips for Making the Most of Responsive Desire by Emily Nagoski)

1. Put pleasure at the center of your sexual well-being.

It is not important how much you “crave” sex, how often you have sex, or how many orgasms you have.  For Nagoski, the only meaningful question is:

“How much do you like the sex you are having?”

“Because responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure, it functions best when you put pleasure at the center of your definition of sexual well-being,” says Nagoski.  Pleasure is the measure of your sexual satisfaction. 

Sensations Depend Upon the Context

Whether or not a sensation feels good depends upon the context.  For instance, tickling:  if you are in a playful and flirting state of mind, tickling from a specific someone might feel good and be fun – and lead to more things that feel good.  But if that person tries to tickle you when you are angry at them, it will not feel good at all.

A Key Take-away
“Know which contexts allow your brain to interpret sensations as erotic.”

The best context typically has low stress, high affection, high trust, and explicit eroticism.

2. Evaluate your contexts.

Nagoski identifies five categories of context to assess both your best and your most lack-luster sexual experiences.

In her worksheets, she asks the reader to write down as many details as can be remembered about both experiences and identify the specific aspects of each context.  What made the experience fantastic, or what caused the experience to suck?  What made it good or bad in each of the five categories of context?

Five Categories of Context

1. Mental and Physical Well-being: physical health, body image, mood, anxiety, distractibility, and worry about sexual functioning.

2. Partner characteristics: physical appearance, physical health, smell, mental state of your partner (or the attributes of yourself at that moment if you are “your own partner.”)

3. Relationship characteristics: trust, power dynamic, emotional connection, feeling desired, and frequency of sex.

4. Setting: private/public; at home, work, or vacation; distance sex (phone chat); seeing your partner do something positive like interacting with family or doing work.

5. Other life circumstances: work-related stress, family-related stress, a holiday, anniversary, or “occasion;” self-guided fantasy, partner-guided fantasy (“talking dirty”), body parts that were touched or not; oral sex on you/on partner; intercourse, etc.

3. Assess your brakes and accelerator.

As described earlier, the sexual response mechanism in your brain has two parts: a sexual accelerator which notices all the sexually relevant stimulation, and sexual brakes, which detects potential threats or other reasons not to be turned on.  For example, the accelerator notices sexy sounds, sights (very potent for men), and sensations in the “right” context. 

Too Much Stimulation of the Brakes

The brakes notice that there is a risk of kids interrupting or worries about how your body looks.  These brakes-hitting contextual factors are extremely important!  When a woman struggles with sexual pleasure, it is more often because there is too much stimulation to the brakes!

Identify What Hits Your Brakes

Identifying the things that hit your brakes is an essential step in creating a context that allows you to experience pleasure – that lets desire emerge in response to that pleasure.

Review your positive and negative contexts and notice what aspects of the context seem likely to activate your accelerator.  But most importantly, identify what aspects of the context seem likely to hit your brakes.

4. Make context appointments.

Make a concrete, specific plan to create a positive context for yourself and your partner.  You are not setting an appointment to have sex; you are setting an appointment to spend some time together in that context. Decide what the context should be and whose responsibility it is to create various aspects of it.

No Secret Expectations

Set a time and date.  Agree on what you will do.  Neither partner must bring a secret expectation that these are actually “sex appointments” disguised as “connection appointments.”  For responsive desire people, the fastest way to shut down pleasure and desire is to create a feeling of expectation or obligation.

5. Identify and engage in “windows of willingness.”

Related to context appointments, identify times when you are open to a certain level of affection like kissing, hugging, sitting side-by-side, or holding hands. These are your “windows of willingness” – times when you might perceive the world as safe, trustworthy, and affectionate. 

Gradations of Sensual – Sexual Behaviors

Nagoski gives a list of things you might be willing to do inside the window – from hugging to kissing or touching from the waist up to various forms of genital touching.  Each partner may have a separate list of what they are willing to do or receive during this window.  There must be a congruence and a match of preferences. 

Consent Can Be Sexy

A clarity of verbal consent characterizes the “willingness” window.  The willingness-consent conversation can be erotic by itself and help create a good context.  Asking permission and granting permission can be pretty sexy!

Learn How You Respond to Different Contexts

Decide how frequent (and how long) the window will be: three times a day, once a day, three times a week, once a week, once a month, etc.  Nagoski suggests that a couple experiment with windows of willingness for a week, a month, or however long it takes for them to learn how their bodies respond to different contexts. Notice what works and what doesn’t work.  Adjust your windows as you go, looking for more and more pleasurable contexts.

6. Make out like teenagers!

Relationship researcher John Gottman recommends that couples share a daily six-second kiss.  Six seconds. This kiss is dramatically different from the typical “bye, see you tonight” kiss. 

Six Seconds Is Long Enough to Have Impact

Six seconds is too long, says Nagoski, to kiss someone you resent or dislike. It is far too long to kiss someone with whom you feel unsafe.  “Kissing for sex seconds requires that you stop and notice that you like this person, that you trust them, and that you feel affection for them.”  (If you do not like or trust your partner, then responsive desire is not the difficulty you are dealing with in your sex life.)

Oh, To Be Teenagers Again

What if you shared a six-minute kiss every day?  What if you spent six minutes with your hands and mouth on your partner, with the mutual agreement that kissing is all that you would do?  This physical connection is not a preamble to sex.  It is just a few minutes of reminding yourself that affectionate touch feels good.  Remember, pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being.  Perhaps early in your sexual development, you made out for minutes or even hours before having any genital contact.  As teenagers or young adults, we noticed the pleasure of that kind of touching.

7. Make some things off-limits.

Going along with “windows of willingness,” couples often benefit from taking away the pressure to “perform” by making certain things against the “rules.”  For example, if you worry that intercourse will be expected if you begin kissing and hugging, make a rule that intercourse is entirely off the table for a week, a month, three months, or just for that day.

It is worth noting that making things off-limits can heighten anticipation and eventual pleasure.  That kind of “teasing” can be very juicy sex-play!

8. Raise your heart rate together or go “deeper” emotionally.

Most of the sex advice in pop culture is about novelty – try new positions, new techniques, new toys, new porn, or even new partners.  There is no disputing the value of novelty for triggering desire, especially for women.*  (Men are especially wired for the novelty of new partners.) When the brain is exposed to a stimulus for the first time, it will react more intensely than it does to stimulation that it is accustomed to. 

Novel Strategies

But novelty doesn’t have to involve new toys and techniques.  Here are two strategies that can generate novelty.  (Granted, these may be new behaviors.)

Strategy 1:  Do anything that raises your heart rate.  Exercise together. Watch an exciting or scary movie.  Go to big concerts or political rallies.  Do anything that gets your heart pounding.  Take long, fast hikes.  Ride a rollercoaster together.  Your brain will notice your level of excitement, see the person you are with and decide, “Hey, I guess this person is really exciting!”  (These methods increase the accelerator more than decrease the brakes.)

Strategy 2: Go deeper emotionally into your relationship.  Dare to be vulnerable.  Keep the lights on.  Keep your eyes open.  Disclose more.  This kind of emotional “novelty” may enhance your pleasure and desire.

9. Face the “The Wall” together.

When couples are stuck around sexual desire, they may experience what Nagoski calls “The Wall.”  This is the feeling you get when you have considered arranging appointments or “windows of willingness,” and something inside you just withdraws.  You do not feel curiosity,  hope, or even neutrality. Instead, you feel dread or resentment. 

Turn Toward “The Wall” with Curiosity

Nagoski recommends a kind of “gestalt conversation” with “The Wall.”  Turn toward it (as John Gottman might say), lean into it, and ask what it is trying to protect you from.  What does it need?  To face the wall requires an attitude of patience and curiosity. Nagoski suggests that The Wall will gradually tell you what it needs.  Don’t try to bash it down before you are ready.  Stick with levels of intimacy that feel safe or just a tiny bit too risky.  Be gentle and kind with each other.

10. Go to a “party” of your choosing.

Sex therapist Christine Hyde suggests (as an analogy) that you think about a party invitation you receive from a good friend.  You might think of ten reasons not to go (what a hassle!), but you go anyway because a good friend asked.  You get to the party and then, (surprise, surprise) you have a good time!

Create a Party that You Will Enjoy

Don’t ask yourself, “how can I make myself go to more parties?”  The question to ask is:  “What kind of parties do I enjoy attending?”  There is no right or wrong kind of party.   There is just the kind of social experience that is right for you.  So,

 What kind of sex is worth having for you?

What kind of sex is worth setting aside all of your duties and distractions?  When you answer that question, your foot and hand will come off the brakes. Responsive desire will be free to roam “about the cabin.”

 

Conclusion and Summary
  • Responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure. Spontaneous desire emerges in anticipation of pleasure.  Both are normal.
  • Put pleasure at the center of your definition of sexual well-being, and allow desire to emerge from pleasure.
  • Sexual pleasure, especially for women, is context-dependent. Sensations only feel pleasurable and give rise to desire in a sex-positive context; for most people, that means low stress, high affection, high trust, and explicitly erotic.
  • Most difficulties with pleasure and desire are related to too much “braking” rather than not enough “accelerating.”
  • Couples who maintain strong sexual connections over multiple decades share two traits: 1) they have a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship, and 2) they prioritize sex. They decide that it is essential for the relationship to spend some alone time together, skin to skin, connected in an intimate, personal, and playful way.
Related Posts

Spontaneous and Response Desire — the Underbelly of Heterosexual Mating 

Is Your Sexual Foot On the Accelerator or Brake?

Note

*My next post (April 13) will explain why women are sexually “bored.”

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“Tips for Couples” – Co-creation and Advice from John and Julie Gottman

“Tips for Couples” – Co-creation and Advice from John and Julie Gottman

by | Mar 16, 2021 | Tips for Couples

   Love’s secret is always lifting its head out from under the covers — ‘Here I am!’ ~ Rumi

 

I am excited to share the wisdom of relationship experts in my new blog space, Tips for Couples. If you like “top ten” lists or bite-size pieces of advice, you will enjoy this new category. Presented primarily as fundamental laws or “commandments,” these ideas, if internalized, can bring relationship satisfaction and harmony. Some of the ideas will seem obvious or basic. The power comes from allowing the idea to penetrate with honest reflection. Common sense is not common practice. Relationship experts made these suggestions with that in mind.

Tips for Couples will help me realize one piece of my mission: “to bridge the best of couple’s psychotherapy and sexual psychology to address pressing and recurring opportunities in ongoing relationship satisfaction.”  I will continue to post content in the Relationship Issues category to “explore and bring clarity to issues of gender politics and the tension between men women related to roles, power, and sexual strategies.” But unlike Relationship Issues, Tips for Couples will offer more direct suggestions for behavior and attitude change. As I post in Tips for Couples, I may chime in with commentary on what the experts say.

Co-Creative Relationship

One of the stated assumptions of Mating Straight Talk is that men and women need radical honesty  “to empower one another for co-creative relationships.” Going forward in Tips for Couples, I will underscore and define the concept of a “co-creative” relationship described 30 years ago by Susan Campbell in The Couple’s Journey.

Three Pillars for Co-Creation

 My interpretation of a “co-creative” relationship rests on three pillars:

  1. Most importantly, the first pillar is the quality of face-to-face intimacy. As depicted by my website’s hero image, the first pillar is looking at one another with presence, acceptance, and honesty.
  1. Being a couple is an amalgamation of forces — not only of attachment but also differentiation. The second pillar is looking away from one another (“back-to-back”) in those moments of individual growth as a separate person – doing your own thing and filling up your cup of energy and creativity to bring back to the relationship.
  1. There is also being side-by-side, looking out together at the same field of shared purpose – working together for a greater good and often for something bigger than the couple itself. That is the third pillar and ultimate act of co-creation.

While Tips for Couples will focus most on the quality of face-to-face connection, you will see the background of all three pillars in the expert wisdom presented.

So, let’s get started.

 

The Ten Commandments of Couple Relationships – John and Julie Gottman*
  1. “Thou shalt treat your partner as an equal, communicating respect, admiration, and affection all of your days.
  1. Thou shalt often ask open-ended questions of your partner to update your knowledge of your partner’s inner world and continually create a sense of shared meaning and life purpose with your partner.
  1. Thou shalt turn toward your partner’s bids for emotional connection with your attention, interest, conversation, humor, emotional support, and intimacy at least 86% of the time. [John Gottman is a precise researcher.]
  1. Thou shalt play and have fun and adventure together all your days.
  1. Thou shall not avoid conflict, but instead, deal with conflict constructively and cooperatively while avoiding the attack-defend mode as much as possible.
  1. Thou shall diligently repair regrettable incidents that will inevitably happen in your relationship by stating your feelings and needs gently and listening empathically and non-defensively to your partner.
  1. Thou shall know and honor your partner’s life dreams.
  1. Thou shall continue to court your partner and build romance, passion, and a personal sexual connection (so your sex is often love-making).
  1. Thou shall not covet anything that is thy neighbor’s (especially they neighbor’s partner) or compare your partner unfavorably to real or imagined others (thus nurturing resentment). Instead, thou shalt cherish your partner (thus nurturing gratitude); thou shall invest in your relationship; thou shall denigrate alternative relationships, and thou shall put a wide fence between yourself and other emotional or sexual entanglements. [I do not support the denigration of other people or alternative lifestyles and do not think that is what the Gottmans mean in this context. SF]
  1. Thou shall not commit adultery. It’s really not worth it, and it’s damn hard to repair.”

So what ideas from this post resonate with you as significant for your growth edge? Which pillar most draws your attention? Which commandments are easy for your flow as a couple? Which commandments do you need to work on? Thank you for “turning toward” my curiosity and posting a comment.

-Notes

*From Ten Commandments for Every Aspect of Your Relationship Journey (2012), edited by Jeffrey Zeig and Tami Kulbatski.

John Gottman, Ph.D. is world-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction.  He is the author or co-author of 200 published academic articles and 40 books, including the bestselling, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.   He is co-founder of the Gottman Relationship Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.  Julie Gottman is a widely recognized expert on marriage, sexual harassment and rape, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues.

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Once the Flirting Is Over – Humor in Ongoing Relationships

Once the Flirting Is Over – Humor in Ongoing Relationships

by | Mar 2, 2021 | Dating & Mating Economy, Humor, Relationship Issues, Tips for Couples

   It was the way you laughed….I knew I wanted that in my life. ~ R.M. Drake

Humor is valued for mates worldwide.  There is abundant cross-cultural evidence that being funny makes you more desirable as a mate, especially if you are a man.  Humor production by men signals creativity, playfulness, mental health, potential generosity, intelligence, and genetic fitness.  During courtship, men produce humor to attract women. 

For courtship and mate selection, women prefer men who make them laugh and men like women who laugh at their jokes.  Women want a humor “generator.”  Men want a humor “appreciator.”  But once the initial flirting and choosing are over and you are in an ongoing romantic relationship, how large a role does humor play?

Laughter as Medicine in Human Relating

Humor in ongoing relationships rests on a foundation of general benefits to human beings. In addition to being a  “signal device” for mate selection,  humor and laughter have a two-fold purpose:

1. Physical benefits: laughter releases endorphins (“feel-good” neurotransmitters), boosts immunity, relaxes muscles, aids circulation, increases oxygen to the brain, lowers anxiety, and protects against heart disease.  (After his heart attack, Norman Cousins purportedly extended his life ten years by watching the antics of the Marx Brothers.)

2. Emotional benefits: laughter bonds people through prosocial behavior and is remarkably contagious as a distinguishing feature among human beings.  Robert Provine, Ph.D., University of Maryland, says laughter is more about relationships than humor.

Humor in Established Relationships 

When it comes to long-term relationships and marriage, both men and women may be equally motivated to be funny.  Humor on the part of both partners affects the quality of their relationship.  

Soothing Each Other vs. Winning a Mate

There is a difference between winning a mate and keeping a mate.  As a relationship develops, humor becomes more about soothing each other and less about winning each other.  The typical sex roles in humor tend to reverse. 

Humor Styles in Relationships

Humor researcher Rod Martin developed the widely-used Humor Styles Questionnaire to assess how people use humor in their daily life.  This assessment identifies four humor styles:

1. Affiliative humor: the tendency to share humor with others, tell jokes and funny stories, make others laugh, and use humor to facilitate relationships and put others at ease.

2. Self-enhancing humor: the tendency to maintain a humorous outlook on life even when alone and use humor to cope with stress and “cheer-up” oneself.

3. Aggressive humor: the tendency to use humor to disparage, put down, or manipulate others; use ridicule, offensive humor; potentially use sexist or racist jokes.

4. Self-defeating humor:  the tendency to amuse others at one’s own expense, self-disparaging humor; laughing along with others when being ridiculed or teased; using humor to hide one’s true feelings from self and others.

Affiliative Humor is Satisfying

Martin and research colleagues recorded couples having live conversations and found that affiliative humor was associated with relationship satisfaction, whereas aggressive humor was related to relationship dissatisfaction.

Humor Diffuses Conflict in Married Couples

Relationship expert John Gottman found that when humor plays a role in diffusing tension and conflict, marriages tend to last longer. Additional studies show that people who joke with their spouses in everyday situations tend to be happier in their marriage than couples who don’t.

A playful and humorous frame of mind (“self-enhancing” style) is protective, even when spouses disagree about what they find funny.

Male Humor During Stress May Be Harmful

Psychologists Thomas Bradbury of the University of California, Los Angeles and Catherine Cohan of Pennsylvania State University analyzed the marriages of 60 couples over 18 months.  They found the use of humor by men during the time of significant life stressors, such as job loss or a death in the family, was associated with adverse relationship outcomes. According to Bradbury and Cohan, when the man used humor during times of stress, couples experienced a greater incidence of divorce and separation than couples in which the woman reverted to humor under such circumstances.  They speculated that the more aggressive humor of males might be inappropriate in stressful situations. 

Humor to Calm the Husband

In a similar study with 130 married couples, a wife’s use of humor predicted greater marital stability over six years, but only if the humor led to a decrease in the husband’s heart rate.   If humor calms husbands, then it might be beneficial to marriages.   Perhaps the more soothing style of female humor serves to better bond partners during these times.   

Sex Difference in Use of Humor

These two studies show the disparate function of humor for men and women. For men, humor might serve as a way to distract from dealing with problems in the relationship, perhaps in an attempt to reduce their anxiety. On the other hand, women may use humor to create a more relaxed atmosphere that can facilitate reconciliation.

It appears male humor is better designed to win attention and affection, while female humor is better designed to maintain affection.

Humorous Partner Remains More Important to Women

In a study conducted with 3,000 married couples from five countries (United States, United Kingdom, China, Turkey, and Russia), both husbands and wives were happier with a humorous partner.  Still, this trait was reported to be more important for the marital satisfaction of the wives than the husbands.  (Thus, male humor remains important to women after courtship and mate selection.)   Interestingly, both husbands and wives thought that the husband was humorous more often.  Married couples overwhelmingly say that humor has a positive impact on their marriages.  This study also found that couples with fewer children laugh more than couples with a larger number of children.  

Men Who Enjoy Women’s Humor May Be More Secure

To say that men don’t seek a funny mate is “painting with a broad brush,” says Don Nilsen, a linguistics professor at Arizona State University and humor expert.  Nilsen argues that men who appreciate their female partner’s humor are usually more secure, mature, and educated than the average guy. They hold their mates in high esteem and aren’t intimidated.  A woman would do well to find a man who enjoys her humor, says Nilsen, because that’s an indication of his own self-esteem and willingness to be supportive.

Fear, Joy, and the Pleasure of Ridiculing Others

Researchers Kay Brauer and René T. Proyer studied 154 heterosexual couples and identified three traits around humor that predict both positive and negative outcomes for relationship satisfaction:

1. Fear of being laughed at (gelotophobia)

2. Joy of being laughed at (gelotophilia) 

3. Pleasure derived from laughing or ridiculing others (katagelasticism).

Joy of Being Laughed At Can Be Positive

As reported in the Journal of Research in Personality (2018), Brauer and Proyer found that women who liked being teased (gelotophilia) showed greater fascination, appreciation, and sense of togetherness with their male partners.  Brauer and Proyer argue that women enjoy playfulness from men if it is not ridiculing; it is seen as an indicator of lower aggression. 

But Teasing is Not Good for Gelotophobes

People who don’t enjoy being teased don’t thrive among those who are “funny” by nature. They (gelotophobes) tend to distrust “lightness or silliness,” says Proyer, making them prone to disagreements with their partners based on misunderstandings and misinterpretations.  Proyer advises gelotophobes to date people with similar personalities while also trying to build up “more positive experiences with laughter.” 

Sexual Satisfaction and Humor Traits

Bauer and Proyer also reported that male partners were less satisfied with their sex life if their partner was afraid of being laughed at.  Apparently their partner’s insecurities make them less appealing. In contrast, women who loved being laughed at were more attracted to and enjoyed higher sexual satisfaction with their partner.

Pair Up With a Similar Comedic Sensibility

Fundamentally, Proyer suggests it may be best if people pair up with those who have a similar comedic sensibility. If they are aligned, no matter how funny or somber they are, they’re more likely to have a workable relationship.

What Does Sense of Humor Mean?

When people say that they want to be with someone who has a sense of humor, they don’t necessarily mean someone who laughs at the same things. They mean someone who has a positive attitude and can see good where others might tend to see the negative, complain or feel overwhelmed.  They want someone with a “self-enhancing” style.

Being Attracted to the Same Type of Humor is a Bonus

Although not a deal-breaker, relationships may be enhanced if partners are attracted to the same kinds of humor.

We found that married couples who shared a similar style of humor tended to have happier and more successful relationships in their first few years of marriage.  ~ Study by eharmony 

Types of Humor – Which Ones Do You Share With Your Partner?

According to research by the dating site eharmony and a comedy training offered online (Udemy) by Phillipe Schaffer, there are approximately 12 types of humor.  They are not mutually exclusive; they often present in combination.  What do you and your partner find funny?  

The Not-So-Dirty Funny Dozen

1. Physical humor:
Also referred to as slapstick, this type of humor involves physicality – from clowns to mimes to funny facial expressions to someone falling over.

2. Self-deprecating humor:
This type is a favorite among stand-up comedians; making yourself the butt of a joke.

3. Surreal humor:

This humor is weird, with illogical events, absurd situations, or nonsensical themes. Or just plain silly.  It may include a non-sequitur (inference that does follow logically).

 4. Improvisational humor:

This is comedy without a plan — jokes made up on the spot. 

 5. Wit-Wordplay humor:

This type of humor uses a play on words — twisting language around with humorous results.  Puns are a typical example of wordplay.

 6. Satire:

Satire uses irony, sarcasm, and caricature to highlight real-life vices and flaws.    (Irony is saying something and meaning the opposite; or an outcome that is the opposite of what is expected.)

5. Parody:

Parody humor mocks something through imitation and may use elements of satire (such as sarcasm and irony). 

6. Topical humor:
Topical humor is based on current events or trends (Saturday Night Live, especially Weekend Update).  Most sketch comedy shows or late-night talk shows are topical. 

7. Observational humor:
This humor pokes fun at everyday life.   Jokes about sex and relationships are often observational and highlight uncomfortable or embarrassing truths.

10. Bodily humor:
This humor has everything to do with bodily functions. It tends to be popular with men and teenagers.

11. Dark humor: 
Also called black comedy or gallows humor, this type involves serious, morbid, or depressing themes and often uses deadpan, self-deprecation, or satire to mock a terrible situation or possibility.

“Cremation: my last hope for a smoking hot body.”

12.   Deadpan humor:
Dry humor, defined more by its delivery – with no change in emotion.  The incongruence of the delivery to the content is what is funny.

Sense of Humor Mismatch

Not sharing a sense of humor isn’t always a problem for couples, but it can be. If you and your partner don’t usually find the same things funny, watch for the signs (below) of serious incompatibility.

If your partner doesn’t get your jokes, that is one thing.  But if you feel like your partner doesn’t get “you,” that is another, much more serious, issue. Your partner doesn’t have to sit on the couch and laugh at Saturday Night Live with you, but if they sigh and roll their eyes every time they see you watching Saturday Night Live, you could have a problem.

Aggressive Humor Against Partner is a Bad Sign

You definitely have a problem if your partner’s sense of humor frequently makes you feel:

  • insecure
  • put down, judged, or devalued
  • patronized
  • excluded
  • offended

If you often feel this way when your partner is trying to be funny (or, incidentally, at other times), you should question how compatible you truly are and whether this relationship is healthy for you. 

What’s the bottom line about love and laughing?

Whether your relationship works well probably has less to do with whether you always laugh at the same things than whether you:

  • communicate well
  • respect and affirm each other
  • find each other attractive
  • enjoy spending time together
  • resolve your differences effectively

If you don’t share a sense of humor, but you love being with your partner, take heart!  Your relationship is probably on solid ground. Over time, you may even find yourself laughing at more of the same things. Humor compatibility and shared jokes often develop organically over time.

Humor Created Together

Humor created by a couple together may be more important than appreciating humor overall.

Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas looked at the results of 39 studies on humor that included over 15 thousand people and couples worldwide. 

Hall found that what matters is the humor that couples create together: sharing funny stories about your day, remembering things you think your partner would find funny, or having a storehouse of inside jokes.  It’s not about being a great comedian, but finding what’s funny in every day and enjoying it together.

The bottom line is it is good to have humor.  It’s better to see it in your partner. And it’s best to share it.

 Humor for Mate Selection and Relationship Maintenance – Overview
chart describing humor in human mating
References

Cohan, C.L., & Bradbury, T. N. (1997)  “Negative life events, marital interaction, and the longitudinal course of newlywed marriage.”  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(1), 144-128.

Li, N. et al. (2009). “An evolutionary perspective on humor: Sexual selection or interest indication?”  Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 35, 923-936.

 Martin, R.A. (2006). The Psychology of Humor: An Integrative Approach.

Campbell, L., Martin, R.A., & Ward, J.A. (2008).  “An observational study of humor used during a conflict discussion.  Personal Relationships, 15, 41-55.

Appendix
Summary of Prior Post – Humor and Sexual Selection
  • Humor is valued for mates worldwide.
  • Men produce humor to attract women. Men are motivated to be funny.
  • Humor production by men signals creativity, playfulness, mental health, potential generosity, intelligence, and genetic fitness.
  • Women want a humor “generator.” Men want a humor “appreciator.”
  • Men find women more attractive when they laugh.
  • Females are more discriminating (more “choosey”) than men about humor.
  • Female laughter is a signal of sexual interest.
  • Judgments of humor are affected by the person’s initial attraction and interest.
  • Humor is most effective if a person (she) is already attracted to the person (man).
  • Synchronized laughter predicted mutual attraction, but the amount of female laughter predicted the level of interest in dating.
  • Women do not have a preference for humorous female friends.
  • When ovulating, women may prefer funny “poor” men for short-term liaisons over non-funny (richer) men.
  • Women laugh more generally, and both sexes laugh more at men.
  • In mixed company, women tease more generally and direct more teasing toward men.
  • Aggressive humor by women may be a threat to men.
  • Women and men are equally funny and appreciate humor equally.
  • Women use more stories, narratives, puns, and self-deprecating humor.
  • Men use more one-liners and physical/active humor.
  • Men tease other men to gain the upper hand; men use humor to derogate rivals.
  • Men who cause other men to laugh in mixed company have increased status.
  • Self-deprecating humor is considered most attractive, especially for a high-status man.
  • Sarcasm or ridicule of others is considered the least attractive humor.
  • Humor increases the attraction of a less physically attractive man or a man of low status.
  • Verbal intelligence and humor predicted an increase in lifetime sexual partners for men.
  • Women initiate sex more with funny men and have more sex with funny men.
  • Sex with humorous men increased the likelihood of female orgasm.

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