Side-Swiped: Evolutionary Mismatch and Sex Differences with Mobile Dating

Side-Swiped: Evolutionary Mismatch and Sex Differences with Mobile Dating

by | Jun 7, 2021 | Dating & Mating Economy, Relationship Issues, Sexuality

“With the rise of the mobile dating app, we are in evolutionary unprecedented waters.” 

                        ~ Justin Garcia, Kinsey Institute

Set in the cities and college campuses of Austin, New York City, Santa Cruz, and Plainfield, Illinois, HBO laid bare the lives of Gen Zers and their use of dating apps in the 2018 documentary, “Swiped – Hooking Up in the Digital Age.”  Based on what they uncovered, HBO may have intended “swiped” as a metaphor for being disappointed or blind-sided, in addition to noting the addictive action built into the phone and app design. 

A Generation Built to Swipe

Gen Zers (up to 24 years of age) and a small number of Gen Y.1 (25-29 years of age) were exposed to the internet and computers from a very young age. It is natural (if not cognitively conditioned) to connect to their world and others through a display screen.  But Tinder, Snapchat, Instagram, and Facebook deliver and create a reality that sometimes interferes or competes with real-life (IRL).  In “Swiped,” we see scenes of young people in a crowded New York City bar – but their attention is only on their phones.  One HBO interviewee said folks are “almost zombified, looking at their phones even when all together in the same space.”  “If you called someone these days, you would probably get labeled a psychopath,” joked another young man.

“Swiping” Market is Huge

Tinder estimated there were 1.5 billion swipes per day in 2018.  As a part of a 2.5 billion dollar dating industry, 40 million Americans use online dating.   Adults age 18 to 30 spend an estimated 10 hours a week on dating apps.  One out of two single people in the US has a profile on a dating app.

We Evolved in Small Groups with Few Potential Mates

Dating by mobile device may conflict with our evolutionary hard-wiring.  In an interview for “Swiped,” evolutionary psychologist David Buss explained the problem with dating apps:  “We evolved in the context of small groups ranging from 50 to 150 with limited geographical mobility. You would encounter perhaps a few dozen potential mates in your entire lifetime.  We take this small-group dating psychology and transplant it in the modern world with thousands of mates, and it triggers this short-term mating psychology in a way that never would have been triggered ancestrally.”  And with all of these options, the value of each person in the mating economy goes down.

Evolutionary Mismatch

The field of evolutionary psychology has become more interested in these instances of modern “evolutionary mismatch.”    “Since organic evolutionary processes take a long time to effect change, our minds are better suited to ancestral, pre-agricultural contexts than they are to modern contexts,” says Glenn Geher and Nicole Wedberg in their book Positive Evolutionary Psychology (2020).  Studies of pre-agricultural forms of diet and exercise (paleo fitness and movement) and ways to increase “social capital” in our cities are examples of solution-focused evolutionary psychology.  Mobile apps as currently designed may not be part of the solution.

“We are engaging ancient biological parts of our behavior, but the platform is novel and unprecedented. With the rise of the mobile dating app, we are in evolutionary unprecedented waters,”  cautions Justin Garcia of the Kinsey Institute.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Deceptions

The dating app photo, especially on Tinder, is everything.   Physical appearance overwhelms all other information and takes on a disproportionately larger role.  As described in the film by clinical psychologist Jennifer Powell-Lunder, mating strategies are evident on the apps: “men present in a very stereotypical male way – providers, hunters, puffing up their chests.  And women present in more sexual ways.”  Powell-Lunder identified a phenomenon brought on by the relative anonymity of the mobile app.  She called it the “Clark Kent syndrome.”  “Mild-mannered average guys get to feel like a Superman, powerful and sexually aggressive.”  This kind of dating is all “performative,” she says.

Male-Female Difference

Men and women use these apps differently.  Hinge CEO and founder, Justin McLeod, was interviewed in the HBO film:  “Women are more selective.  On the whole, a majority of women are looking almost exclusively for a relationship on these services.  The majority of the men are primarily looking to hook-up.”  Those looking for a hook-up have the upper hand in this new world.  Women in the documentary lamented: “Guys will have one girlfriend per network (Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Snapchat).”

Traditional Romantic Relationship vs. a Hook-Up

In a lecture to the Feminist Student Association at the University of Indiana, Garcia presented data from college students about which type of relationship they preferred — a traditional romantic relationship (TRR) or a  hook-up.  Sixty-three percent (63%) of the men said they preferred TRR, and 34% said they favored a hook-up.  Eighty-three percent (83%) of the women preferred TRR and just 13% wanted a hook-up.  One woman in the documentary said, “I want a boyfriend; I don’t want a fuck buddy.”  CEO and founder of Tinder, Sean Rad noted “80% of users are looking for a serious relationship.”  This is about right for the women, but not overall.  Rad might be exaggerating a big to make Tinder look a bit nobler.  In the film, females actively looking for hook-ups on Tinder were derisively called (by the men) “tinderellas.”

Men and Women Differ in Comfort Level of Hook-up Behaviors

Garcia also reported on women’s comfort level for certain hook-up behaviors compared to what was attributed to them by men (on a scale of -5 to +5).  Men overestimated a women’s comfort level with sexual intercourse and oral sex (both giving and receiving) by a significant margin.

 Design and Addiction of the App Architecture

The architecture of dating apps is built for split-second decision-making  – are you “hot or not?”

Gamification is a well-researched design feature.  Swiping produces unpredictable yet frequent rewards – intermittent reinforcement based on the operant conditioning studies of B.F Skinner.  (Pigeons are the precursors to swiping-obsessed GenZers.) Visual pop-ups show a match with fanfare and a dopamine rush.  Yet, anticipation is a greater rush than the reward.  Like gambling addiction, swiping or sexual compulsion is more of a “high” than a genuine pleasure.

Effects On Emotional Health and Relationship Satisfaction

“I hate it that everything depends upon how you look,”  said a young woman from Austin.  One clinical expert interviewed by HBO said, “mobile apps cause us to feel like we are always dating, always promoting your product.”   A black woman from New York City spoke of emotional abuse from an online relationship.  “I was heartbroken.  I feel like he treated me like an object almost.”   A college student in Santa Cruz gave a male perspective:  “if you do care, you have to not show it; you act like you don’t.”

Women overall are wary and disappointed in the digital online environment.  Men are pleased and discouraged by dating using the apps.

The Hinge Difference?

McLeod says Hinge is “designed to be deleted.” Unlike his swipe-centric rivals, McLeod doesn’t want his user base to stay endlessly glued to the app. McLeod has drug addiction in his history – he understands this problem.  McLeod described Tinder “as a numbers game where users were betting to find a match after never-ending swipes.  It just turned into a game in a casino.”  McLeod realized that it was time for love-seekers to put themselves out there.  “It is about vulnerability and opening up and softening your edges.”

Hinge no longer conforms to the swipe template. Instead, users (as of in 2019) have to answer a choice of three prompts that encourage sensitivity.  Instead of the “hot selfie,” Hinge encourages “photos that lend themselves to a conversation.”

Hinge Inspired Modern Love

McLeod’s own love story is depicted in Episode 2 of Amazon’s highly praised Modern Love.   Dev Patel’s character builds an app called Fuse and reconnects with his soulmate just before she was supposed to marry another man.  In real life (IRL), McLeod flew to Europe and declared his love for his long-lost soulmate, Kate, one month before her wedding to another man.  McLeod and Kate got married and have a child.  McLeod’s real love story informs his approach to Hinge, although Hinge has been fully acquired by dating monopolist IAC Match Group, which also owns Tinder.

Does Bumble Empower Women?

“Bumble is a site where only women are going to make the first move,” explains a female Bumble executive interviewed for the documentary.   But does Bumble empower women?   Zoe Strimpel, a dating historian and columnist for The Sunday Telegraph, said, “Bumble is just codifying that women have to do more work – have the burden of dating – the communication and emotional work.”   Regardless of the questionable premise (IMO) that women have “the burden of dating,”  Strimpel “does not see how Bumble fixes the mistakes that Tinder has made.”

Gay Apps Maybe Provide a Needed Service

The documentary explains how dating apps and the internet generally have given gay men and lesbians more access to each other.  Garcia said the internet is good for the LGBTQ community in that regard.  But one man complained that it has cut down on “cruising” in person, which he described as fun and, more importantly, part of gay culture.  One gay Austinite said that when he sees a guy in a bar, he immediately goes to Grindr to find out more about him and even communicates to him through the app as he stands just 30-feet away.  One gay site gets a favorable mention.  SCRUFF is supposedly a top-rated and reliable app for gay, bi, trans and queer guys to connect. 

Physical Risk in the App Ecosphere

Online-related sexual assault has multiplied over the years.  According to general news and wellness site, Phactual, one out of every ten sex offenders uses online dating to meet people.  A 2018 Buzzfeed article told the story of an alleged “Tinder Rapist” who said he felt entitled to sex from a female he’d met on the dating app because “she wanted it and the Tinder app was for that.”

“Are dating apps contributing to rape culture?”   Mandy Ginsberg, CEO of IAC Match Group, avoided answering that question in the documentary, citing the company’s focus on safety tips for women.  (IAC Match Group owns Match, Tinder, Plenty of Fish, OK Cupid, Black People Meet, Senior People Meet, and now Hinge.)

Revenge Porn is a Nasty Artifact

As starkly depicted in the HBO documentary, sexting is also a risk.  One in 25 Americans has been the target of revenge porn – the unauthorized use and spread of nude photos.  Instagram photos of all types may lend themselves to reputation damage, even affecting employment and careers.  Tinder co-founder and CSO Jonathan Badeem seemed sympathetic but had no concrete plans (at the time of filming by HBO) to stop revenge porn or reduce the incidence of sexual assault associated with the app.

Future of the Apps and Mobile “Dating” Experience

“The use of apps will not slow down because there is too much money to be made,” according to Adam Alter, a social psychologist at New York University. He added, “the apps are getting better and better at designing experiences that are addictive.” Furthermore, virtual and augmented reality apps are coming!

 Through Eyes of Alex and Kyle

Midway through the documentary, we are introduced to an adorable couple in New York City.  Alex and Kyle found each other on an app and felt authentically connected as friends and lovers.  They had great simpatico and playfulness — enough trust and comfort to try to be with a third person.  (Alex, the woman, is a self-proclaimed “heteroflexible”).  They swiped together as a couple, looking for a woman to join them.  It was exciting and fun.  Their coupling seemed to work.  At the end of the documentary, we see them for the third time. Kyle and Alex sat on the bed and reflected on their relationship together. Now, it seems, they are not a couple.

 But Love is Sweet

 Kyle became distant, and he does not know why.  Kyle hooks-up with other women on Tinder. Alex seemed sad and resigned.  She wanted a real relationship with Kyle.  She tells the camera that expressing love is sweet. She can have other sexual encounters if she wants to (and does), but we get the impression that she just wanted a committed relationship with him.

“Tinder Exhausts Me”

 Alex finally says, “Tinder exhausts me but I use it to judge people, and I like to swipe.  I like doing the swiping, I always have.”  “Nothing good happens from Tinder,” says Kyle in response. Then, Alex turns to Kyle and gives him a penetrating look, “we met on Tinder.”

Summary

  • Digital apps produce a vastly different environment for short-term mating from what existed in our evolutionary past.
  • The focus on physical looks has dramatically increased in the digital environment. This change is especially significant in the overall mix of female sexual strategies.  Short-term mating for women has always put more emphasis on physical attractiveness, facial symmetry, and a man’s v-torso.  A woman’s predominant long-term strategy, which still operates on the apps, emphasizes character, resources, and commitment.
  • Young women are having a bit more casual sex because of this environment, but they are not necessarily more satisfied. (There was only one woman depicted in “Swiped” that seemed centered and comfortable with a non-monogamous lifestyle.)
  • Though women are experimenting more with casual sex and non-monogamy, 80% of women want or use the apps in hopes of developing a long-term relationship.  This confirms the hard-wired difference of mating strategies between men and women.
  • Few long-term relationships come from dating app hook-ups.
  • Women overall are wary and disappointed in the digital online environment.
  • Men are pleased and discouraged by dating using the apps.
  • HBO’s documentary does not explore the sex-ratio difference on college campuses (more women than men) that has also contributed to changes in the female approach to casual sex and intrasexual competition between women, and is the cause of multiple partners for men.
  • Women rightly fear rape and other kinds of abuse (physical and emotional) or assault.
  • Reputation damage and revenge porn have dramatically increased with the use of dating apps and the reach of the internet.

 

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Want An Equal Marriage? Then Date As Equals

Want An Equal Marriage? Then Date As Equals

by | May 24, 2021 | Dating & Mating Economy, Gender Politics, Relationship Issues

Based on “If You Want a Marriage of Equals, Then Date As Equals,” by Ellen Lamont in The Atlantic, February 14, 2020.

“I know it feels counterintuitive…..I’m a feminist,” the first woman said.  “But I like to have a guy be chivalrous.”

Heterosexual women with progressive-liberal political leanings often say they want an equal partnership with men. “But dating is a different story entirely,” according to feminist sociologist Ellen Lamont of Appalachian State University and author of  The Mating Game: How Gender Still Shapes How We Date. Lamont’s research found that such women expected men to ask for, plan, and pay for dates.  They also expected men to initiate sex, confirm the exclusivity of a relationship and propose marriage.  “After setting all those precedents, these women then wanted a marriage in which they shared the financial responsibilities, housework, and child care relatively equally,” wrote Lamont in an article for The Atlantic.  Very few of Lamont’s female subjects saw these dating practices as a threat to their feminist credentials or their desire for egalitarian marriages.  Lamont says they are wrong on both counts.

Glaring Disconnect – Progressive Beliefs vs. Lived Experience

Lamont noticed a glaring disconnect between straight women’s views on marriage and thoughts on dating.  Lamont found that once these women were married, it was difficult to “right the ship.”  The same gender stereotypes that they adopted while dating played out in their long-term partnerships.

Interviewing “Woke” Millennials

Lamont interviewed heterosexual and LGBTQ people in the San Francisco Bay area – highly educated, professional-track young adults.  Everyone she interviewed was quite vocal in their support of gender equality and readily accepted the label “feminist.”

Three-quarters of millennials in America support gender equality at work and home and agree that the ideal marriage is equitable.  Consequently, Lamont expected her female interviewees to epitomize feminist liberation.  Yet, when they thought of equality among men and women, they focused more on professional opportunities than on interpersonal dynamics.

Gender Equality Gains at Work – Not at Home

Lamont had long been interested in how gender influences behavior in romantic relationships. She was well aware that research showed more significant gains in gender equality at work than at home.   Americans with a college education now get married in their early 30s on average.  Young adults put their love life on hold while they invest in their education and establish a career.  Lamont’s female subjects expected their partner to support their ambitious professional goals.  The men said they desired and respected these independent, high-achieving women and saw them as more compatible partners as a result.

“It’s a Deal Breaker If He Doesn’t Pay”

“Can I be a self-sufficient, empowered woman and still enjoy it when a guy picks up the check?” appeared as a question in a recent Vogue opinion column.  Apparently, the answer is “yes.”  Many of the women Lamont spoke to enacted strict dating rules.  “It’s a deal-breaker if a man doesn’t pay for a date,” one 29-year-old woman said.  A 31-year-old woman said, “if a man doesn’t pay, “they just probably don’t like you very much.”  The women assumed that many of the men were looking for nothing more than a hook-up, so some of these dating rituals were tests to see whether the man was truly interested in a commitment.  A third woman, also 31, told Lamont, “I feel like men need to feel like they are in control, and if you ask them out, you end up looking desperate, and it’s a turnoff to them.”

Risk of Not Paying: Reduced Mate Value

Female commentators in the relationship advice genre for men have suggested that men pay for first dates (at least) as a default position, lest the man is viewed as:

  • Cheap (unnecessarily frugal and no fun)
  • Ungenerous of character (does not readily give to others – a serious red flag)
  • Poor (on a tight budget – definitely a limitation as a potential mate)
  • Not interested in the woman (a possible false negative)

It is no wonder that men err on the side of paying even if they hope for equity in a long-term relationship.  First, they have to “win the day” and protect their first impression – and their perceived mate value.

“I Like a Guy to be Chivalrous”

On dates, the women talked to Lamont about acting demure and allowing men to do more of the talking.  Women, they said, were more attractive to men when they appeared unattainable, so women preferred for the men to follow up after a date.  None of the women considered proposing marriage; that was the man’s job.  “I know it feels counterintuitive…..I’m a feminist,” the first woman said.  “But I like to have a guy be chivalrous.”

Men Want These Rituals?

Not all of the heterosexual women Lamont interviewed felt strongly about these dating rules.  “Yet even the few women who fell into this category,” says Lamont, “tended to go along with traditional dating rituals anyway, arguing that the men they dated wanted these rituals, and the women just didn’t care enough to challenge the status quo.”  Yet, some men admitted to Lamont that they had run into “conflicts” with strong-willed women.

Men Sometimes Resisted

The heterosexual men Lamont interviewed claimed that a woman’s assertiveness took the pressure off them.  While some liked paying for dates, feeling that the gesture was a nice way to show they cared, others were resistant.  One man told Lamont that he splits the cost of a date fifty-fifty.  “Just because I carry the penis does not mean that I need to buy your food for you.  You’re educated or want to be educated; you want to be independent  – take your stance.”

Undoing Gender Roles in Marriage Was Difficult

Lamont found that when men and women endorsed these traditional gender roles early in their relationship, undoing those views in marriage was difficult. The married men she interviewed often left caregiving and housework to the women and considered themselves primarily breadwinners and decision-makers.  Time-use surveys in the U.S. show that women still do about twice as much unpaid labor in the home as men.  One woman said of her husband, “he’ll take our son on bike rides with him.  But in the middle of the night, I’m the one getting up.”

Set Up Expectations from the Outset

The majority of LGBTQ people Lamont interviewed wanted no part of the dating scripts they saw as connected to gender inequality.   “We have explicitly said we’re not normal or traditional so that we can write the script ourselves.”  Most noteworthy, the LGBTQ interviewees set up the expectations of equality from the outset of dating, not after it. This approach shifted their understanding of what was possible for intimate relationships, and they, for the most part, had more equal long-term relationships as a result.

Outside of the Heterosexual Mating Dynamic

LGBTQ individuals espoused similar ideals about equity but were more likely to reject and resist dominant courtship scripts.  This resistance is not surprising to evolutionary psychologists.  Once outside of the male-female mating dynamic (based on sexual selection for reproduction) and the co-evolutionary “arms race” of competing male-female sexual psychologies, it is expected that such courtship rituals would have less relevance.

Sociology vs. Evolutionary Psychology

According to fellow academics who reviewed her book, Lamont uses the “sociological imagination” to interpret her data.  A focus on the relationship between individual agency and larger social structures represents the customary sociological view of the bidirectional relationship between individuals and society.

Lamont does not seem to understand or acknowledge the evolutionary power of male-female differences in mating strategy that undergirds traditional courtship scripts.  Traits that have a long evolutionary history for successful mating either supersede or interact with existing social structures.  Confidence and displays of status and competence are critical attractors for women; they are unconsciously embedded in many traditional courtship rituals.

It is Not “Counterintuitive” – It is Sexual Selection

“I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”  ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Women want both power (resources) and kindness in their mates. Women have a natural attraction and sexual charge for alpha traits (which are preeminently desired) but also have a secondary need for safety and loyalty (beta traits) to ensure long-term mating success and ongoing provision and protection of children.  Male beta traits are more correlated with progressive-liberal political leanings and likely incorporate favorable views of feminist ideology; these traits mostly signal kindness, not power.

Female Competing Preferences – the Trade-off Problem

Because status and power do not easily co-exist with loyalty and kindness, women must often choose between these traits (what evolutionary psychologists call the “trade-off problem”) in an attempt to find the right combination in a chosen mate.  Men of status and power usually get the first or longest “interview” with women.  The sexual attraction to them is strongest; the hope is that the man will turn out to be loyal and authentically generous – at least for that particular woman.

Double Trouble for Men

Women’s competing mate preferences often cause double binds for men.  (See Psychological Double Binds Imposed on Men.)  The man wants to please a woman, but she may be confused from moment to moment or in a constant state of dilemma and tension about what she wants and needs.  She wants a chivalrous suitor AND an egalitarian partner.  (To be fair, those behaviors are not necessarily mutually exclusive.)

Trade-off Problem in Era of Female Empowerment

“A showdown between traditionalism and egalitarianism is underway.”  ~ Ellen Lamont

The “trade-off” problem for women has become particularly acute during the modern era of female empowerment and feminist cultural framing; the “shadow self” of female biological imperatives has become more hidden yet prone to “leak out” with mixed messages to the surface of present-day male-female mate selection and romantic-sexual relating.

Lamont uncovered these mixed messages in her research. The first step in addressing a double bind, hypocrisy, or a mixed message is to see it and name it for what it is – or write a book about it, in Lamont’s case.

Dating As Equals – “I Want This and That”

Here are a few mixed messages (expression of needs) from women related to the issues of “dating as equals.”  Men often process them as menacing double-binds.   It is challenging to find a compromise or middle ground in response, although it is not impossible for an emotionally intelligent and strong man.

As Lamont discovered, these needs often lurk underneath the contemporary tension between men and women in heterosexual relationships.  They operate on a continuum but are magnified here without nuance to bring clarity to their evolutionary roots and power —  and to demonstrate the reason why they are so “undiscussable.”

Even liberated women might say:

  • “I want full equality of economic power and opportunity, but I also want to mate with a man who has as much or more power than me, and preferably more power than other men.”
  • “I will rail against gender power inequality while I actually want to partner and have sex with a man who is at the top of the power hierarchy.”
  • “I want a man who embraces feminist positions politically while being an alpha among his peers.”
  • “Please have the willingness and capacity to provide, be generous, make decisions, be chivalrous, and offer protection. I prefer that you offer to pay for most everything and never expect me to pay for you.  I do not want to embrace the role of ‘receiver of gifts’ even though it turns me on.”
  • “I want to be seen as taking care of myself. Provide for me in some way but do not patronize or disempower me as you do that.”
  • “Please help around the house! But your domestication may remove my sexual charge for you.”  (This possibility has been found in a study or two.)
How “Gender” Still Shapes How We Date

Lamont’s research and book look at how people with diverse gender identities and sexualities date, form relationships, and make decisions about commitments as they negotiate an uncertain romantic landscape.  She uncovers how “gender” still shapes how we date.

Lamont’s decidedly liberal subject sample makes a strong case that espoused progressive cultural values do not dramatically change the courtship behavior of heterosexuals.  Evolutionary mate selection dynamics, biological imperatives, and the nature of male and female sexuality most often supersede new cultural norms.  Women want men who show confidence, initiation, and generosity –  the capacity to use resources on their behalf.

Conclusion

Lamont says that most heterosexuals engage in courtship rituals that reinforce gender differences despite claiming a desire for egalitarian relationships with equal division of work/household labor and financial independence of both partners.  Lamont makes the case that by clinging to traditional courtships scripts, young adults unwittingly undermine the gender revolution they say they embrace.

Epilogue

 “Ultimately, what was revealed (it seemed to me), unspoken but acted upon, was that the ‘old male’ was still very much desired by women for the security they delivered.” 

~ Steven Fearing, Origins of Mating Straight Talk – Reasons and Reflections

References

Lamont, E. “If You Want a Marriage of Equals, Then Date As Equals,” The Atlantic, February 14, 2020.

Lamont, E. (2020). The Mating Game: How Gender Still Shapes How We Date.

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Addressing Barriers to Female Sexual Pleasure – Let’s Get Educated

Addressing Barriers to Female Sexual Pleasure – Let’s Get Educated

by | Apr 26, 2021 | Relationship Issues, Sexuality, Women's Issues

“Think outside her box.”

~  Ian Kerner, PhD., She Comes First

Prologue

Part of the mission of Mating Straight Talk is to explain and demonstrate the evolved behavioral sex differences between men and women.  Sex differences in mating strategies and modes of sexuality serve essential evolutionary purposes.  Recently, I have written about the difference between spontaneous desire (the sexual excitation system predominant for men) and responsive desire (the sexual inhibition system dominant for women).  I outlined how women might “turn off their brakes” (their sexual inhibition system) and maximize their responsive desire.

The research on maximizing responsive desire revealed the difference between men and women related to how novelty triggers sexual desire.  Female boredom in monogamous relationships is an unpleasant reality; it is caused (in part) by the lack of novelty and surprise.  To be clear, women are not, in general, wanting non-monogamy; they are not seeking new or multiple partners as a result of this “sexual malaise.”  But, in addition to “boredom” and the challenge of “designing” the best context for sex (with sufficient “freshness”), there are other barriers to female satisfaction.

Barriers to Female Pleasure

There is an over-reliance on sexual intercourse as a practice and as a definition of sex.  Men and women lack basic knowledge of female anatomy and pleasuring techniques.  The orgasm gap is bigger than the pay gap and has more legitimacy as a behavioral problem.  Add a toxic dose of shame, trauma, and physical pain — and it is a wonder that anyone is getting laid or enjoying it when they do.

Sexual Techniques Do Matter

My focus in Mating Straight Talk has never been on the techniques of sexual practice.  (Psychological “operations” are more interesting than the operation of a vibrator.) But techniques are relevant to the success of a sexual relationship between a man and a woman.  Sexual practices and the “gendered” psychology that “contain” those practices further illustrate the differences between men and women.

She Comes First

As most women everywhere will attest, when it comes to understanding female sexuality, most guys know more about what’s under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris.  Ian Kerner’s book  She Comes First – The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman may be the definitive guide to oral sex – where the mystery of female satisfaction is solved, and the “tongue is proven mightier than the sword.”   I encourage readers, especially men, to read this book.  It addresses the over-reliance on sexual intercourse and the lack of knowledge of female anatomy.

Sex and the Frustrated Man

Also, I must acknowledge the considerable insights of author and sex educator Kaye Smith, Ph.D.  Much of this post is adapted from her article, “Sex and the Frustrated Man,” first appearing in Medium.

“Widower Fears Impotence Will Kill New Relationship” 

That was the headline of the column featuring a letter written to “Dear Abby.”  A man lost his wife, had his prostate removed because of cancer, and wanted to start a new relationship.  Worried that he could not perform sexually and be rejected, he asked Jeanne Philips, “Is it possible to have a good relationship with someone without intercourse?  Or do you think I am doomed?”

Yes — Some Women Are Fine with No Sex

Philips’s answer was revealing.  She told this man that many women would value his warmth, affection, intellect, etc. and that he would be in demand, even if he could not perform sexually.  Philips described a common state of post-menopausal female sexual desire – a “responsive desire” (as defined in earlier posts) that is happy with a non-sexual yet romantic relationship.  This is a “desire” functionally over and done; it is latent but not consciously seeking revival.

But C’mon, There is More To Sex Than Intercourse!

Most importantly, it is what Phillips did not say that was interesting, if not troubling.  Phillips said nothing to educate this man (or her readers) about the diverse world of sexual practices that do not include intercourse – that do not require an erect penis or penetration with that penis.  In this post, I will address the problem of “sex-is-intercourse” and other norms or conditions that place barriers to pleasure for women (especially) and men in their sex lives. I will also address the physiological changes that can make sex unappealing for post-menopausal women.

Why Women Lack An Interest in Sex — Revisited

In my prior post (Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships), I reported the research of Marta Meana about the loss of female libido.  Meana cited three reasons women gave to explain a lack of interest in sex: 1) the institution of marriage produces too much routine, 2) overfamiliarity of sexual practices and loss of novelty, and 3) the de-sexualization of roles – the incongruity of being a mother and a wife.

“Dead Bedrooms”

A  few studies (1) in the U.S. indicate about 1 in 7 marriages are largely “sexless” — characterized by little to no sexual intimacy (“dead bedrooms” is a popular subreddit). Typically, this happens because one member of the relationship refuses to engage in sex.  It is most often the woman.

Male Sex Deficit

In a controversial paper on the male sex deficit, Catherine Hakim (former London School of Economics professor) cited several worldwide studies conducted over the last 30 years that found women reported less sexual interest, lower desire, and more conservative behavior. About 30% of women struggled with low sexual desire compared with 15% of men, and it was the most commonly reported female sexual problem.

“The sex differentials in sexuality remain large, substantively important, and are found in all cultures, including the sexually liberated societies of Scandinavia.” — Catherine Hakim

Kaye Smith (“Sex and the Frustrated Man”) is a strong advocate for female sexual capacity and empowerment.  She agrees with Hakim:   “I believe there is enough research data to support the idea that men overall do report higher rates of libido, sexual interest, and motivation than women and are probably often frustrated with the amount of sex they’re having.”  (Stay tuned for my post on May 11 for further discussion of “dead bedrooms” and the “male sex deficit.”)

Pleasure Roadblocks

Some sexual norms act as roadblocks to women.  A woman can be compromised in her ability to enjoy sex, talk about her desires, feel comfortable in her body, demand sexual equality, or even know when she is turned on. If women do not develop a strong connection with their sexuality, it can play out in the bedroom as sexual apathy.

“Crappy sex is like chowing down on Big Macs as your main source of nutrition.  It does a number on your libido like the one fast food does on your heart.”  ~ Kaye Smith

Problematic roadblocks include:

  1. Sex-is-intercourse
  2. “Clitphobia”
  3. Sexual “lockjaw”
  4. Trauma
  5. Pain
1. Sex-is-Intercourse

In my March 29 post, Turn Off the Brakes!  Making the Most of Female Responsive Desire, I shared the advice of Emily Nagoski that adding sexual novelty does not need to include new techniques or new toys.  True enough.  But it could include new techniques and toys — and it may require some!  As I explained in Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships, women need a variety of stimulation for sexual fulfillment (from the same man).  The same sex over and over, especially if it is intercourse, could be a barrier to sexual satisfaction for some women.

“I Did Not Have Sex With That Woman!”

When former president Bill Clinton was accused of sexual impropriety, he insisted with a straight face that “He DID NOT have sex with that woman” (Monica Lewinsky) because all she did was “blow” (fellate) him.

Today, if we asked a thousand straight teenagers and young people, “What is sex?” most would probably say vaginal intercourse — usually to male orgasm.  Note to “Dear Abby” — that is sexual reductionism at its finest.

Vaginal Intercourse is Overvalued

Vaginal intercourse is overvalued, while other sex acts are undervalued. Sexual reductionism is deeply problematic for female sexual pleasure and has a ripple effect on how we think about sex.

Why is “Intercourse-equals-sex” Problematic?
  • Most women can’t come from penetration alone.
  • Clitoral stimulation winds up as a mere appetizer to the main meal of intercourse, which drastically reduces female sexual pleasure.
  • Many men aren’t good at intercourse due to premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or bad technique.
  • Some women experience sexual pain from intercourse. Sexual pain is a widespread problem for women, is rarely discussed, and often increases with age.
  • “Sex-is-intercourse” ignores the vast array of other sexual practices and aids: the use of lips, tongue, fingers, and vibrators (what author Valerie Frankel calls “outercourse”) — as well as dildoes, plugs, and other sensorial “toys.”

The sex-is-intercourse norm leads to the marginalization of all acts that aren’t about a penis in vagina (PIV).  Ian Kerner says, “cunnilingus is not foreplay, it’s coreplay.”

2. “Clitphobia”
Where’s the Clitoris?

Often, the clitoris is nowhere to be “found” because of a lack of identification and naming.  This starts when a baby girl is born, and we mislabel her anatomy as a “vagina.”  The vagina is the birth canal; it’s not the correct term for visible lady parts.  The correct term is “vulva.”   The primary female sex organ is the clitoris, the equivocal organ to the penis.

Never Heard of It

In a study conducted jointly by Minnesota State and Royal Roads Universities on clitoral knowledge, researchers found that most participants had never heard of the word “clitoris” until they were well into their teens — often after becoming sexually active. One young woman said, “I don’t remember ever being told that a clitoris is a normal part of a female’s body.”  We apparently have a fear of the clitoris, and in some parts of the world – extreme loathing as well.  Female circumcision (clitoridectomy) occurs in parts of Asia and Africa for cultural and religious reasons.

Clitoral Landscape

In The Clitoral Truth, author Rebecca Chalker delineates eighteen parts of the clitoris based upon the research of the Federation of Feminist Women’s Health Centers.  Most well-known and perhaps most important in “outercourse” is the clitoral glans or head of the clitoris, which has 8,000 nerve endings, twice as many as in the head of the penis and more than any other part of the human body.  Inside the vulva are the legs of clitoris that flare downward like a wishbone on either side.  The “legs” are surrounded by erectile tissue known as the twin “clitoral bulbs.”  Even lesser known is the “urethral sponge” that lies on the ceiling of the vagina.

There is no Specific G-Spot 

According to Kerner and other sex educators, “the G-spot is nothing more than the roots of the clitoris crisscrossing the urethral sponge.”  Nicole Prause, an acclaimed neuroscientist and sex researcher on sexual stimulation, says the anterior wall of the vagina does not have any heightened area of sensitivity that can trigger orgasm – there is no G-“spot.”    A lot of fuss has been made about the difference between a clitoral orgasm and a G-spot orgasm.  Although the urethral sponge is attached to the vaginal ceiling, it is considered an integral part of the clitoral network, says Kerner:  “A G-spot orgasm, like all female orgasms, is a clitoral orgasm.”

The Orgasm Gap

Since a woman’s clitoris “does not exist,” it has received inadequate attention in the bedroom. Which leads to the “orgasm gap.”  Depending upon who you read, 10-26% of women are not orgasmic at all.  Over 60% of women who are orgasmic are not happy with how often it occurs.

According to one study (2) (see “Differences in Orgasm Frequency” in Appendix), while 75% of men routinely orgasm during a sexual encounter, only 29% of women do.  Sixty-five percent of straight women were orgasmic compared to 95% of straight men.

Orgasms with Intercourse

Women can receive clitoral stimulation by penile penetration that presses against the clitoral glans and hood and by possible stimulation of the legs of the clitoris or urethral sponge.  But the heavy lifting for clitoral stimulation leading to orgasm is stimulation to the glans and clitoral hood by practices other than intercourse.  Michael Castleman of AARP says only 25% of all women reliably have orgasms during intercourse. “That means 75% of women of all ages must have direct clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm.”

Orgasm Gap Disappears with Masturbation

The orgasm gap disappears during masturbation and same-sex encounters. Sex researcher Shere Hite found that women who masturbate regularly orgasm 96% of the time.

The orgasm gap occurs for one simple reason: neither the woman nor her partner give the clitoris its due attention. They both expect a female orgasm to arrive the same way as a male orgasm – by intercourse. But it doesn’t, and she doesn’t say anything.

3. Sexual “Lockjaw”

Why don’t women say anything? Why do women continue to tolerate the intolerable? Women put up with a lot: pressure to have sex, hapless foreplay, no orgasms, and pain.  So why do women have “sexual lockjaw?”  One word says Smith:  “shame.”

Shame

Writer Yael Wolfe (“What Sexually Frustrated Men Need to Understand About Their Partners,” Medium, 2019) describes how women have been a primary target of our culture’s sexual shaming.  “We’ve been shamed for our body size, for having body hair, for having smelly vaginas [vulvas], for expressing desire, for not expressing desire, for masturbating, for not masturbating, for our sexual fantasies.  You need to understand how hard it can be to allow our bodies to move in ways that will bring us pleasure.”

She Doesn’t Want to Hurt Her Male Partner

Toxic sexual shame for women means she turns herself into a pretzel for the straight male orgasm — no matter the cost to her emotionally or physically.

One of the biggest problems with “hetero-sex” is the idea that a woman’s satisfaction is her partner’s responsibility, and if he can’t bring home the bacon, he’s not a man. The male ego can be fragile and insecure and can be both aggressive and defensive in bed.  Most women are socialized to prioritize their relationships even at the expense of their own needs.  Women keep their mouths shut to avoid making male lovers feel inadequate and to avoid shaming them.  However, when women stay silent, desire can go dormant and eventually disappear.

4. Trauma

Many women experience trauma. Sexual abuse is rampant in our society. One out of 6 women will experience a rape or an attempted rape in their lifetimes, according to the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAIN). Survivors are more likely to report distress, experience PTSD, and contemplate suicide than non-survivors.

Sexual abuse can have a profound impact on sexuality. According to a study of 1664 women, those who had been abused reported more issues with body image and expressed more discomfort getting undressed in front of a lover. They also used contraception less often and reported more sexual and relationship dissatisfaction.

Close Contact Can Be Triggering

Sex involves close intimate contact, which can be a trigger for some people. Being touched might reactivate the anger experienced from abuse or molestation.

Survivors often check out of their bodies and disassociate while being abused.  Disassociating can be a way of handling an unbearable trauma. Unfortunately, while this helps them survive at the time, it can linger as a side effect.  Leaving your body behind while you float in the ether isn’t a recipe for a passionate, connected sexual experience.

5. Female Pain

Pain During Vaginal Intercourse

A study by Debby Hebernick (3) and colleagues found that 30% of women and 7% of men reported pain during vaginal intercourse.  Most of the reports of pain were mild and short duration.  About 72% of women and 15% of men reported pain during anal intercourse.  Women reported more moderate or severe pain than did men.  Researchers concluded that “large proportions of Americans do not tell their partner [have lockjaw] when sex hurts.”

According to the North American Menopause Society, up to 45% of postmenopausal women find sex painful due, in part, to increased vaginal dryness and thinning vaginal tissue caused by falling estrogen levels.

Conditions Causing Pain

Pain can occur for many reasons.  Several poorly understood medical conditions can wreak havoc on a woman’s sex life: including vulvodynia, lichen sclerosus, and pudendal neuralgia.  (See Appendix).

Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) can also cause pain for women during deep coital penetration.  Women with IBS also report a lack of sexual desire and difficulty getting aroused.  Lack of arousal can lead to insufficient lubrication.  (IBS is 1.5-3 times more common in women, but it can also cause premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction in men.)

Sometimes pain occurs because of an overly tight pelvic floor or hormonal birth control. The pill reduces testosterone, which can be implicated in the most common sexual pain problem in premenopausal women: provoked vestibulodynia, a form of vulvodynia.

Conclusion

A significant barrier to sexual pleasure for women is an over-reliance on sexual intercourse as a practice.  Men and women lack basic knowledge of female anatomy and pleasuring techniques.  Let’s get educated about “outercourse” and create an environment where it is easy and natural to talk about sex.  Men will also have more pleasure when women have more sexual agency.  Shame is unnecessary!  In a world with courageous and compassionate straight talk about sex, trauma and pain can be reduced.  Let’s bring down the barriers.

References

  1. Donnelly, D; (1993). “Sexually inactive marriages”; The Journal of Sex Research, Vol. 30, Issue 2.
  1. Frederick, D., et al. (2018) “Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample.” Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47, 273-288.
  1. Herbenick, D. et al., “Pain experienced during vaginal and anal intercourse with other-sex partners: findings from a nationally representative probability study in the United States.” Journal of Sexual Medicine, (2015), April, 12 (4): 1040-51.

Appendix

 

Female Pain – Physical Conditions that Prevent Sexual Pleasure

Vaginal Atrophy

According to the Mayo Clinic, vaginal atrophy (atrophic vaginitis) is thinning, drying, and inflammation of the vaginal wall.  Vaginal atrophy occurs most often after menopause when a woman has less estrogen. It not only makes intercourse painful but also leads to distressing urinary symptoms.  Because the condition causes both vaginal and urinary symptoms, doctors use the term “genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM)” to describe vaginal atrophy and its accompanying symptoms.

Not all menopausal women experience GSM.  Regular sexual activity (with or without a partner) can increase blood flow and help maintain healthy vaginal tissues.  Treatments include vaginal moisturizers, water-based lubricants, topical forms of estrogen, and other therapies.  Seek the advice of a trusted specialist to explore all options.

Vulvodynia

Vulvodynia is chronic vulvar pain without an identifiable cause.  The location, constancy and severity of the pain vary.  Some women experience pain in only one area of the vulva, while others experience pain in multiple areas. The most common reported symptom is burning.  Pain at only one site surrounding the vaginal opening is called localized vulvodynia, or Provoked Vestibulodynia (PVD), and occurs during or after sexual intercourse, tampon insertion, or gynecologic exam.

How Hormones Impact Women’s Sexuality

From: “The Biochemistry of Lust: How Hormones Impact Women’s Sexuality,” Medium, October 6, 2019.

Kaye Smith, Ph.D. tells the story of estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and DHEA and how hormones work in the female body.  She discusses how much a woman’s desire issues are hormone-related and how hormone replacement (HRT) works.

Differences in Orgasm Frequency – (from study Abstract; see reference above.)

There is a notable gap between heterosexual men and women in the frequency of orgasm during sex.

Researchers examined how 30 different traits or behaviors were associated with frequency of orgasm when sexually intimate during the past month.

Participants included a large U.S. sample of adults (N = 52,588) who identified as heterosexual men (n = 26,032), gay men (n = 452), bisexual men (n = 550), lesbian women (n = 340), bisexual women (n = 1112), and heterosexual women (n = 24,102).

Heterosexual men were most likely to say they usually-always orgasmed when sexually intimate (95%), followed by gay men (89%), bisexual men (88%), lesbian women (86%), bisexual women (66%), and heterosexual women (65%).

Compared to women who orgasmed less frequently, women who orgasmed more frequently were more likely to: receive more oral sex, have longer duration of last sex, be more satisfied with their relationship, ask for what they want in bed, praise their partner for something they did in bed, call/email to tease about doing something sexual, wear sexy lingerie, try new sexual positions, anal stimulation, act out fantasies, incorporate sexy talk, and express love during sex.

Women were more likely to orgasm if their last sexual encounter included deep kissing, manual genital stimulation, and oral sex in addition to vaginal intercourse.

 

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Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships

Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships

by | Apr 12, 2021 | Relationship Issues, Sexuality, Tips for Couples, Women's Issues

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” ~ Mae West

In my last post, (Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Responsive Desire), I shared the advice Emily Nagoski gives to couples to improve their sex life.  Nagoski and other sex educators describe the dominant mode of women’s sexuality as “responsive.”  Women need sufficient sexual stimuli and an appropriate context to move from a place of neutrality to being aroused and desirous of a sexual connection. Nagoski recommends that couples raise their heart rate together or go deeper emotionally to trigger desire instead of creating novelty through new sex toys and techniques.  That is good advice.  But make no mistake, women need more novelty than men in an ongoing sexual relationship.  Men have a lower threshold for sexual motivation and stimulation, and their orgasms are more predictable.  Women need more varied stimulation than men, and their orgasms are definitely not assured.

In fact, there is an emerging trend related to female sexuality in an ongoing relationship.  As the headline from an Atlantic article succinctly put it, women are “The Bored Sex.”

“Female sexual boredom could almost pass for the new beige.” ~Wednesday Martin (Atlantic)

Variety and Novelty – Sex Differences

Men are neurologically built to desire a variety of partners, more so than women.  Women are built to need and want more variety of stimulation (physical and emotional) from one man over time for sexual fulfillment.  In a monogamous pair bond, it is the woman, more often than the man, who will need more diverse stimuli and breaks from routine in order to be aroused and orgasmic.

Mating Science Background

Men want a variety of partners as dictated by the foundational predominance of a short-term sexual mating strategy. (See “Coolidge Effect” in Appendix.)  Women prefer a specific singular partner as dictated by their predominant long-term sexual strategy and need for parental investment.  Alfred Kinsey: “There seems to be no question but that the human male would be promiscuous in his choice of sexual partners throughout the whole of his life if there were no social restrictions.  The human female is much less interested in a variety of partners.”

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire – Accelerator and Brake

Men (in aggregate) need less variety and novelty in an ongoing sexual relationship than women do because of their predominant “spontaneous” sexual response and a sex drive that accelerates with pursuit.

Women (in aggregate) need more novelty and variety in an ongoing relationship because of the fragility and complexity of their predominant “responsive” desire mechanism that often “brakes” out of caution.  (See Appendix for “Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Mind Responsive Desire” and “Supply and Demand Influences on Responsive Desire.”)

It’s Not the Sex She Wants

Manhattan psychiatrist, Andrew Gotzis, was treating a straight couple in their 40s; they had been together close to 20 years.  They reportedly had sex three times a week.  (Quite above the normal for a couple in a relationship of that duration.) The woman had orgasms but was still dissatisfied.   As Gotzis described the situation, “The problem is not that they are functionally unable to have sex or to have orgasms.  Or frequency.  It’s that the sex they’re having isn’t what she wants.” The woman wants to be wanted by her partner in that “can’t-get-enough-of-each-other-way that experts call “limerence” – the initial period of a relationship when it’s all new and hot.

Habituation to Stimulus

This woman may be an idealist, unrealistic, selfish, or entitled.  But her sexual struggles in a long-term relationship, orgasms, and frequency of sex notwithstanding, make her normal.  Although most people in a sexual partnership end up facing the conundrum biologists call “habituation to stimulus” over time, a growing body of research suggests that heterosexual women are likely to face this problem earlier in a relationship than men. Men seem to manage wanting what they already have, while women struggle with it.

Don’t Move In With Your Boyfriend

In a study of 11,500 British adults aged 16-74,  women were more likely to lose interest in sex after one year of cohabitation.  Newsweek (2017) reported this study and others with the cautionary title addressed to women:  “Moving in with Your Boyfriend Can Kill Your Sex Drive.”   “Women living with a partner were more likely to lack an interest in sex than those in other relationship categories.”

A 2012 study (Journal of Sex Marital Therapy) of 170 men and women aged 18-25 found that women’s desire, not men’s, was negatively affected by relationship duration after controlling for age, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction.

Female Desire Tanked in Germany and Finland

Two German longitudinal studies, published in 2002 and 2006, showed female desire dropped dramatically after 90 months while male desire held relatively steady.  Women who did not live with their partners seemed to avoid the “effects of overfamiliarity.”

And a seven-year Finnish study (2016) of more than 2,100 women by Annika Gunst found that women’s sexual desire varied depending upon relationship status.  Those in the same relationship reported less desire, arousal, and satisfaction.

Wanting Monogamy and Having Desire Are Different

Many, if not most women, want monogamy.   But as Wednesday Martin wrote for the Atlantic, “wanting monogamy isn’t the same as feeling desire in a long-term monogamous partnership.”

Women’s Lower Baseline Libido

There is evidence that women have a lower baseline libido as measured by the frequency of sexual thoughts, fantasies, masturbation, and desire for sexual activity.  Psychiatrist and sexual health practitioner Elisabeth Gordon reported that women disproportionately presented with a lower sexual desire than their male partners after a year or more and in the longer term.  (See “Sex Drive Defined” in Appendix.)

Just Not the Same Sex Over and Over

However, Gordon says women “regularly start relationships equally excited for sex.”  As Martin puts it, “women in long-term, committed heterosexual partnerships might think they’ve gone off sex – but it’s more that they’ve gone off the same sex with the same person over and over.

“When couples want to remain in a monogamous relationship, a key component of treatment is to help couples add novelty,” Gordon advised.  (Women are the primary consumers of sex-related technology, lubricants, and of course, lingerie.)

Long-term Relationships Are Rough On Female Desire

Author and sex researcher Marta Meana says, “long-term relationships are rough on desire, especially female desire.”  Meana and colleague Karen Sims conducted a qualitative study on 19 married women (Journal of Sexual Martial therapy) and found that most women were pleased with their partners – just not their sex lives.  Three interrelated reasons emerged to explain participants’ loss of libido.

Three Reasons for Female Libido Loss

While female sexuality generally prefers emotional connection and familiarity to thrive, Meana discovered that institutionalization of the relationship, overfamiliarity, and de-sexualization of roles in a long-term heterosexual partnership could mess with female passion.

1. Institutionalization

For many of the women studied by Meana and Sims, marital sex was a snooze.  They were simply bored with the routine of ever-available marital sex. As described by Kaye Smith in Married Women Talk About Why They Don’t Want Sex, “bed-breaking premarital sex can dwindle to Saturday morning missionary-only encounters hurriedly sandwiched between Junior’s soccer game and Fluffy’s deworming.”  It is too sanitized and socially sanctioned.  And obligation to have sex is a guaranteed buzzkill.  If you are expected to make your partner sexually happy, it is a turn-off.

2. Familiarity Breeds Contempt

The second issue that the women complained about was over-familiarity.  It was the romance of early love, the pre-relationship dating days with all its novelty, anticipation, and uncertainty that they longed for the most.  “Familiarity breeds contempt” is never more true than in the bedroom.  Another buzzkill is doing the same thing, the same way, every time.   One woman in the Meana study said:  “When you are married, you know exactly how your husband is going to touch you.  There is a comfort with each other, but it’s not as exciting . . . the desire is lost.”   Many women talked about how they could predict what their husbands would do next and in what order.

“You Just Gotta Stop”

As one exasperated 33-year old woman told her husband: “things like grabbing me and touching me would really get me excited (in the past).  But doing the same things now completely turn me off.   “You cannot just grab my breast like that anymore – it no longer turns me on – you just gotta stop.”

If you know what will happen next, your brain (and other body parts) say “why bother?” Desire is fueled by the neurotransmitter dopamine, which rises in response to novelty and anticipation.

3. De-sexualization of Roles and Maternal Sensory Overload

Most of the women spoke of being absolutely depleted by their to-do list.  And sex did not have priority on that list. (This is evidence of responsive desire).  Also, many felt there was an incompatibility between the role of mom and the role of “vixen.”  Interestingly, for mothers of small children, the constant tactile demands of caring for a child left them feeling “over-touched” – on sensory overload – and not in the mood for more skin contact.

Paradox and Complexity of Female Desire

Female sexual response is fragile and complex with opposing or paradoxical elements active, side-by-side, at any given moment. Female desire is enhanced by arousing ambivalence but in a manageable way.  Too much ambivalence, and you are left to feel too anxious; too little, and you are bored.

Women Want to Be Wanted More than Anything Else

Smith says women are socialized to romanticize sex.  Women want to be wanted – often more than anything else.  Women fantasize about being the object of a hot stud’s desire (ala Fifty Shades of Grey).  But, in being the object, women paradoxically assume power.  The rape fantasy is all about being desired; it is NOT about being defeated or abused.

What Can Be Done to Turn Women On?

Certainly, socializing women to be passive in the bedroom doesn’t work and leads to sexual disappointment and boredom.  There is still an education problem.  Women are not told about their anatomy; they masturbate less than men and often have sex based on what works for men.  (According to research, only 29% of women always have an orgasm during sexual intercourse, in comparison to 75% of men.)

Life-Long Hot Sex is Not Realistic

The idea that life-long love means nonstop hot sex is probably not realistic either.  (Nor does it comport with biological imperatives and hormonal shifts in long-term relationships, especially  relationships with children.)  Smith suggests, “if we could just lighten up about sex – see it as adult play perhaps – we would be better off.”

Mating in Captivity – the Polarity of Female Desire

Esther Perel (Mating In Captivity) brilliantly explains the polarities animating human sexual desire, especially for women.  “Desire is fueled by the unknown, and for that reason, it’s inherently anxiety-producing.  Eroticism resides in the ambiguous space between anxiety and fascination.  Without an element of uncertainty, there is no longing, no anticipation, no fission.”

Fundamental Needs Seeking Reconciliation

Two fundamental human needs seek reconciliation.  On the one hand, we need security, predictability, safety, and dependability.  We require reliability and permanence; all of these are anchoring, grounding experiences in our lives.  This anchoring is especially necessary for women as predicted by evolutionary science and a woman’s mating strategy designed to protect children.

But we have an equally strong need for adventure, novelty, mystery, and risk.  We are stimulated by a little “danger,” the unknown, the unexpected.  Surprise turns us on.  Taking a “journey” together (actual travel) is often good for our sex lives.

From Passionate to Intentional Sexuality

“Erotic couples know how to manage the transition from passionate sexuality to intentional sexuality,” says Perel.  “They understand that it not only takes work but also creativity – like when you want a beautiful meal rather than just a quick bite.” Emilly Nagoski describes “context appointments” and “windows of willingness.” (See Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Responsive Desire).  She often tells women:  “You don’t have to be horny first.  You don’t have to crave sex before you start having sex.  You just have to be willing to try some intimate contact with pleasure as the only goal.”

Remain Curious, My Friend

Sexual boredom can only happen when you are no longer curious, says author Jack Morin (The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment).  So, here’s to continued curiosity about the enigma and beauty of female desire.  I will never get bored with that.

My Next Post

My next post will continue the theme of female sexual boredom and dissatisfaction by explaining the problems of 1) “sex-is-intercourse,” 2) “clitphobia,” 3) sexual “lockjaw,” 4) the orgasm gap, and 5) “male sex deficit.”  Stayed tuned for that!

 
References

Sims, K. & Meana, M.; “Why did passion wane? A qualitative study of married women’s attributions for declines in sexual desire.”  Journal of Sex Marital Therapy; 2010, 36 (4) 360-380.

Murray, S. & Milhausen, R.; “Sexual desire and relationship duration in young men and women.” Journal of Sex Marital Therapy. 2012; 38 (1) 28-40.

Appendix

The “Coolidge Effect”

The story is told that President Coolidge and the first lady were given separate tours of newly formed government farms.  Upon passing the chicken coops and noticing a rooster copulating with a hen, Mrs. Coolidge inquired about how often the rooster performed this duty.  “Dozens of times each day,” replied the guide.  Mrs. Coolidge asked the guide to “please mention this fact to the president.”  When the president passed by later and was informed of the sexual vigor of the rooster, he asked, “always with the same hen?”  “Oh no,” the guide replied, “a different one each time.”  “Please tell that to Mrs. Coolidge,” said the president.

And so the Coolidge Effect was named, referring to the tendency of males to be sexually re-aroused upon the presentation of novel females, giving them a further impulse to gain sexual access to multiple women.  The Coolidge Effect is a widespread mammalian trait that has been documented many times.  Male rats, rams, cattle, and sheep all show the effect.   Men across cultures show the Coolidge Effect.

Sex Drive Defined

Sex drive is commonly defined as the frequency of sexual thoughts, frequency of masturbation, interest in sexual activity with another person, frequency of intercourse in a specified period, desire for multiple sex partners, habits of pornography use, response to erotic images in everyday life, and frequency and nature of sexual fantasies. 

Sex is not really a drive, according to Emily Nagoski (Come As You Are, 2015), because it is not necessary for personal survival.  She calls it an “incentive motivation system.”  But calling sexual desire a motivation system and not a drive (which takes away the pejorative label of dysfunction for women) does not change the fact that men think about and have the urge to engage in sexual behavior (all components above) more than women, primarily because of greater levels of testosterone and the accompanying power of their predominant short-term mating strategy.

Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Mind Responsive Desire

Female “responsive” desire must be “woken up” by direct, in-coming stimulation.  Women have a greater capacity than men to experience out-of-sight-out-of-mind concerning their sexual desire, partly because of the differences in visual sexual triggers. 

Related to “out-of-mind,” women may not be dramatically bothered by their desire loss.  That “meta-emotion” (feeling about a feeling) might depend upon the degree of parental energy expended by the woman and the degree to which her safety and security needs are met. 

Supply and Demand Influences on Responsive Desire

Sex for most women is an abundant resource; it is not in short supply.  It is a need (within the confines of self-imposed selective preferences) that can almost always be met.  Therefore, there is no need to attend to it.  Out-of-sight, out-of-mind makes sense.  If the refrigerator is full, there is no need to fantasize or strategize about how to get food.  If there is a man “pulling up” (like a bus) every five minutes, there is no need to worry about missing or choosing not to take the last bus. 

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Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Female Responsive Desire

Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Female Responsive Desire

by | Mar 29, 2021 | Relationship Issues, Sexuality, Tips for Couples, Women's Issues

Sexuality, Women’s Issues, Relationship Issues, and Tips for Couples

In her landmark book, Come As You Are,  Emily Nagoski describes the central sexual response mechanism in the brains of men and women.   There is a sexual excitation system (SES) or “accelerator” that is dominant in most males. The sexual excitation system often activates male sexual desire.  It has a sense of urgency, eagerness, and passion – men pursue under its influence. Nagoski calls this “spontaneous” desire.

Foot Brake and Hand Brake

Females most often operate out of their sexual inhibition system.  This system notices all potential threats in the environment and sends a signal from the brain to the genitals to “turn-off” for fear of consequences.  Nagoski calls this the “foot brake.”  But there is also a “hand brake” activated by the fear of performance or a combination of mental chatter, stressors, and self-consciousness.  When the female sexual inhibition system is relatively quiet, women most often function from a state of responsive desire. 

Responsive Desire Moves from Place of Neutrality

Responsive desire occurs when one is willing to engage in sex, although not initially feeling desire or sexual arousal.  With sufficient sexual stimuli and an appropriate context, responsive desire allows a woman to move from a place of neutrality to being aroused and desirous of a sexual connection. 

Responsive Desire Emerges from Pleasure

Some women may be taught (or just believe) that desire is supposed to “arrive” spontaneously, as it often does for men.   Desire can arise in anticipation of pleasure, but Nagoski says responsive sexual desire emerges in response to pleasure.  The key to making the most of responsive desire is to maximize pleasure.

Ten Ways to Maximize Responsive Desire

(Adapted from 10 Tips for Making the Most of Responsive Desire by Emily Nagoski)

1. Put pleasure at the center of your sexual well-being.

It is not important how much you “crave” sex, how often you have sex, or how many orgasms you have.  For Nagoski, the only meaningful question is:

“How much do you like the sex you are having?”

“Because responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure, it functions best when you put pleasure at the center of your definition of sexual well-being,” says Nagoski.  Pleasure is the measure of your sexual satisfaction. 

Sensations Depend Upon the Context

Whether or not a sensation feels good depends upon the context.  For instance, tickling:  if you are in a playful and flirting state of mind, tickling from a specific someone might feel good and be fun – and lead to more things that feel good.  But if that person tries to tickle you when you are angry at them, it will not feel good at all.

A Key Take-away
“Know which contexts allow your brain to interpret sensations as erotic.”

The best context typically has low stress, high affection, high trust, and explicit eroticism.

2. Evaluate your contexts.

Nagoski identifies five categories of context to assess both your best and your most lack-luster sexual experiences.

In her worksheets, she asks the reader to write down as many details as can be remembered about both experiences and identify the specific aspects of each context.  What made the experience fantastic, or what caused the experience to suck?  What made it good or bad in each of the five categories of context?

Five Categories of Context

1. Mental and Physical Well-being: physical health, body image, mood, anxiety, distractibility, and worry about sexual functioning.

2. Partner characteristics: physical appearance, physical health, smell, mental state of your partner (or the attributes of yourself at that moment if you are “your own partner.”)

3. Relationship characteristics: trust, power dynamic, emotional connection, feeling desired, and frequency of sex.

4. Setting: private/public; at home, work, or vacation; distance sex (phone chat); seeing your partner do something positive like interacting with family or doing work.

5. Other life circumstances: work-related stress, family-related stress, a holiday, anniversary, or “occasion;” self-guided fantasy, partner-guided fantasy (“talking dirty”), body parts that were touched or not; oral sex on you/on partner; intercourse, etc.

3. Assess your brakes and accelerator.

As described earlier, the sexual response mechanism in your brain has two parts: a sexual accelerator which notices all the sexually relevant stimulation, and sexual brakes, which detects potential threats or other reasons not to be turned on.  For example, the accelerator notices sexy sounds, sights (very potent for men), and sensations in the “right” context. 

Too Much Stimulation of the Brakes

The brakes notice that there is a risk of kids interrupting or worries about how your body looks.  These brakes-hitting contextual factors are extremely important!  When a woman struggles with sexual pleasure, it is more often because there is too much stimulation to the brakes!

Identify What Hits Your Brakes

Identifying the things that hit your brakes is an essential step in creating a context that allows you to experience pleasure – that lets desire emerge in response to that pleasure.

Review your positive and negative contexts and notice what aspects of the context seem likely to activate your accelerator.  But most importantly, identify what aspects of the context seem likely to hit your brakes.

4. Make context appointments.

Make a concrete, specific plan to create a positive context for yourself and your partner.  You are not setting an appointment to have sex; you are setting an appointment to spend some time together in that context. Decide what the context should be and whose responsibility it is to create various aspects of it.

No Secret Expectations

Set a time and date.  Agree on what you will do.  Neither partner must bring a secret expectation that these are actually “sex appointments” disguised as “connection appointments.”  For responsive desire people, the fastest way to shut down pleasure and desire is to create a feeling of expectation or obligation.

5. Identify and engage in “windows of willingness.”

Related to context appointments, identify times when you are open to a certain level of affection like kissing, hugging, sitting side-by-side, or holding hands. These are your “windows of willingness” – times when you might perceive the world as safe, trustworthy, and affectionate. 

Gradations of Sensual – Sexual Behaviors

Nagoski gives a list of things you might be willing to do inside the window – from hugging to kissing or touching from the waist up to various forms of genital touching.  Each partner may have a separate list of what they are willing to do or receive during this window.  There must be a congruence and a match of preferences. 

Consent Can Be Sexy

A clarity of verbal consent characterizes the “willingness” window.  The willingness-consent conversation can be erotic by itself and help create a good context.  Asking permission and granting permission can be pretty sexy!

Learn How You Respond to Different Contexts

Decide how frequent (and how long) the window will be: three times a day, once a day, three times a week, once a week, once a month, etc.  Nagoski suggests that a couple experiment with windows of willingness for a week, a month, or however long it takes for them to learn how their bodies respond to different contexts. Notice what works and what doesn’t work.  Adjust your windows as you go, looking for more and more pleasurable contexts.

6. Make out like teenagers!

Relationship researcher John Gottman recommends that couples share a daily six-second kiss.  Six seconds. This kiss is dramatically different from the typical “bye, see you tonight” kiss. 

Six Seconds Is Long Enough to Have Impact

Six seconds is too long, says Nagoski, to kiss someone you resent or dislike. It is far too long to kiss someone with whom you feel unsafe.  “Kissing for sex seconds requires that you stop and notice that you like this person, that you trust them, and that you feel affection for them.”  (If you do not like or trust your partner, then responsive desire is not the difficulty you are dealing with in your sex life.)

Oh, To Be Teenagers Again

What if you shared a six-minute kiss every day?  What if you spent six minutes with your hands and mouth on your partner, with the mutual agreement that kissing is all that you would do?  This physical connection is not a preamble to sex.  It is just a few minutes of reminding yourself that affectionate touch feels good.  Remember, pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being.  Perhaps early in your sexual development, you made out for minutes or even hours before having any genital contact.  As teenagers or young adults, we noticed the pleasure of that kind of touching.

7. Make some things off-limits.

Going along with “windows of willingness,” couples often benefit from taking away the pressure to “perform” by making certain things against the “rules.”  For example, if you worry that intercourse will be expected if you begin kissing and hugging, make a rule that intercourse is entirely off the table for a week, a month, three months, or just for that day.

It is worth noting that making things off-limits can heighten anticipation and eventual pleasure.  That kind of “teasing” can be very juicy sex-play!

8. Raise your heart rate together or go “deeper” emotionally.

Most of the sex advice in pop culture is about novelty – try new positions, new techniques, new toys, new porn, or even new partners.  There is no disputing the value of novelty for triggering desire, especially for women.*  (Men are especially wired for the novelty of new partners.) When the brain is exposed to a stimulus for the first time, it will react more intensely than it does to stimulation that it is accustomed to. 

Novel Strategies

But novelty doesn’t have to involve new toys and techniques.  Here are two strategies that can generate novelty.  (Granted, these may be new behaviors.)

Strategy 1:  Do anything that raises your heart rate.  Exercise together. Watch an exciting or scary movie.  Go to big concerts or political rallies.  Do anything that gets your heart pounding.  Take long, fast hikes.  Ride a rollercoaster together.  Your brain will notice your level of excitement, see the person you are with and decide, “Hey, I guess this person is really exciting!”  (These methods increase the accelerator more than decrease the brakes.)

Strategy 2: Go deeper emotionally into your relationship.  Dare to be vulnerable.  Keep the lights on.  Keep your eyes open.  Disclose more.  This kind of emotional “novelty” may enhance your pleasure and desire.

9. Face the “The Wall” together.

When couples are stuck around sexual desire, they may experience what Nagoski calls “The Wall.”  This is the feeling you get when you have considered arranging appointments or “windows of willingness,” and something inside you just withdraws.  You do not feel curiosity,  hope, or even neutrality. Instead, you feel dread or resentment. 

Turn Toward “The Wall” with Curiosity

Nagoski recommends a kind of “gestalt conversation” with “The Wall.”  Turn toward it (as John Gottman might say), lean into it, and ask what it is trying to protect you from.  What does it need?  To face the wall requires an attitude of patience and curiosity. Nagoski suggests that The Wall will gradually tell you what it needs.  Don’t try to bash it down before you are ready.  Stick with levels of intimacy that feel safe or just a tiny bit too risky.  Be gentle and kind with each other.

10. Go to a “party” of your choosing.

Sex therapist Christine Hyde suggests (as an analogy) that you think about a party invitation you receive from a good friend.  You might think of ten reasons not to go (what a hassle!), but you go anyway because a good friend asked.  You get to the party and then, (surprise, surprise) you have a good time!

Create a Party that You Will Enjoy

Don’t ask yourself, “how can I make myself go to more parties?”  The question to ask is:  “What kind of parties do I enjoy attending?”  There is no right or wrong kind of party.   There is just the kind of social experience that is right for you.  So,

 What kind of sex is worth having for you?

What kind of sex is worth setting aside all of your duties and distractions?  When you answer that question, your foot and hand will come off the brakes. Responsive desire will be free to roam “about the cabin.”

 

Conclusion and Summary
  • Responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure. Spontaneous desire emerges in anticipation of pleasure.  Both are normal.
  • Put pleasure at the center of your definition of sexual well-being, and allow desire to emerge from pleasure.
  • Sexual pleasure, especially for women, is context-dependent. Sensations only feel pleasurable and give rise to desire in a sex-positive context; for most people, that means low stress, high affection, high trust, and explicitly erotic.
  • Most difficulties with pleasure and desire are related to too much “braking” rather than not enough “accelerating.”
  • Couples who maintain strong sexual connections over multiple decades share two traits: 1) they have a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship, and 2) they prioritize sex. They decide that it is essential for the relationship to spend some alone time together, skin to skin, connected in an intimate, personal, and playful way.
Related Posts

Spontaneous and Response Desire — the Underbelly of Heterosexual Mating 

Is Your Sexual Foot On the Accelerator or Brake?

Note

*My next post (April 13) will explain why women are sexually “bored.”

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Once the Flirting Is Over – Humor in Ongoing Relationships

Once the Flirting Is Over – Humor in Ongoing Relationships

by | Mar 2, 2021 | Dating & Mating Economy, Humor, Relationship Issues, Tips for Couples

   It was the way you laughed….I knew I wanted that in my life. ~ R.M. Drake

Humor is valued for mates worldwide.  There is abundant cross-cultural evidence that being funny makes you more desirable as a mate, especially if you are a man.  Humor production by men signals creativity, playfulness, mental health, potential generosity, intelligence, and genetic fitness.  During courtship, men produce humor to attract women. 

For courtship and mate selection, women prefer men who make them laugh and men like women who laugh at their jokes.  Women want a humor “generator.”  Men want a humor “appreciator.”  But once the initial flirting and choosing are over and you are in an ongoing romantic relationship, how large a role does humor play?

Laughter as Medicine in Human Relating

Humor in ongoing relationships rests on a foundation of general benefits to human beings. In addition to being a  “signal device” for mate selection,  humor and laughter have a two-fold purpose:

1. Physical benefits: laughter releases endorphins (“feel-good” neurotransmitters), boosts immunity, relaxes muscles, aids circulation, increases oxygen to the brain, lowers anxiety, and protects against heart disease.  (After his heart attack, Norman Cousins purportedly extended his life ten years by watching the antics of the Marx Brothers.)

2. Emotional benefits: laughter bonds people through prosocial behavior and is remarkably contagious as a distinguishing feature among human beings.  Robert Provine, Ph.D., University of Maryland, says laughter is more about relationships than humor.

Humor in Established Relationships 

When it comes to long-term relationships and marriage, both men and women may be equally motivated to be funny.  Humor on the part of both partners affects the quality of their relationship.  

Soothing Each Other vs. Winning a Mate

There is a difference between winning a mate and keeping a mate.  As a relationship develops, humor becomes more about soothing each other and less about winning each other.  The typical sex roles in humor tend to reverse. 

Humor Styles in Relationships

Humor researcher Rod Martin developed the widely-used Humor Styles Questionnaire to assess how people use humor in their daily life.  This assessment identifies four humor styles:

1. Affiliative humor: the tendency to share humor with others, tell jokes and funny stories, make others laugh, and use humor to facilitate relationships and put others at ease.

2. Self-enhancing humor: the tendency to maintain a humorous outlook on life even when alone and use humor to cope with stress and “cheer-up” oneself.

3. Aggressive humor: the tendency to use humor to disparage, put down, or manipulate others; use ridicule, offensive humor; potentially use sexist or racist jokes.

4. Self-defeating humor:  the tendency to amuse others at one’s own expense, self-disparaging humor; laughing along with others when being ridiculed or teased; using humor to hide one’s true feelings from self and others.

Affiliative Humor is Satisfying

Martin and research colleagues recorded couples having live conversations and found that affiliative humor was associated with relationship satisfaction, whereas aggressive humor was related to relationship dissatisfaction.

Humor Diffuses Conflict in Married Couples

Relationship expert John Gottman found that when humor plays a role in diffusing tension and conflict, marriages tend to last longer. Additional studies show that people who joke with their spouses in everyday situations tend to be happier in their marriage than couples who don’t.

A playful and humorous frame of mind (“self-enhancing” style) is protective, even when spouses disagree about what they find funny.

Male Humor During Stress May Be Harmful

Psychologists Thomas Bradbury of the University of California, Los Angeles and Catherine Cohan of Pennsylvania State University analyzed the marriages of 60 couples over 18 months.  They found the use of humor by men during the time of significant life stressors, such as job loss or a death in the family, was associated with adverse relationship outcomes. According to Bradbury and Cohan, when the man used humor during times of stress, couples experienced a greater incidence of divorce and separation than couples in which the woman reverted to humor under such circumstances.  They speculated that the more aggressive humor of males might be inappropriate in stressful situations. 

Humor to Calm the Husband

In a similar study with 130 married couples, a wife’s use of humor predicted greater marital stability over six years, but only if the humor led to a decrease in the husband’s heart rate.   If humor calms husbands, then it might be beneficial to marriages.   Perhaps the more soothing style of female humor serves to better bond partners during these times.   

Sex Difference in Use of Humor

These two studies show the disparate function of humor for men and women. For men, humor might serve as a way to distract from dealing with problems in the relationship, perhaps in an attempt to reduce their anxiety. On the other hand, women may use humor to create a more relaxed atmosphere that can facilitate reconciliation.

It appears male humor is better designed to win attention and affection, while female humor is better designed to maintain affection.

Humorous Partner Remains More Important to Women

In a study conducted with 3,000 married couples from five countries (United States, United Kingdom, China, Turkey, and Russia), both husbands and wives were happier with a humorous partner.  Still, this trait was reported to be more important for the marital satisfaction of the wives than the husbands.  (Thus, male humor remains important to women after courtship and mate selection.)   Interestingly, both husbands and wives thought that the husband was humorous more often.  Married couples overwhelmingly say that humor has a positive impact on their marriages.  This study also found that couples with fewer children laugh more than couples with a larger number of children.  

Men Who Enjoy Women’s Humor May Be More Secure

To say that men don’t seek a funny mate is “painting with a broad brush,” says Don Nilsen, a linguistics professor at Arizona State University and humor expert.  Nilsen argues that men who appreciate their female partner’s humor are usually more secure, mature, and educated than the average guy. They hold their mates in high esteem and aren’t intimidated.  A woman would do well to find a man who enjoys her humor, says Nilsen, because that’s an indication of his own self-esteem and willingness to be supportive.

Fear, Joy, and the Pleasure of Ridiculing Others

Researchers Kay Brauer and René T. Proyer studied 154 heterosexual couples and identified three traits around humor that predict both positive and negative outcomes for relationship satisfaction:

1. Fear of being laughed at (gelotophobia)

2. Joy of being laughed at (gelotophilia) 

3. Pleasure derived from laughing or ridiculing others (katagelasticism).

Joy of Being Laughed At Can Be Positive

As reported in the Journal of Research in Personality (2018), Brauer and Proyer found that women who liked being teased (gelotophilia) showed greater fascination, appreciation, and sense of togetherness with their male partners.  Brauer and Proyer argue that women enjoy playfulness from men if it is not ridiculing; it is seen as an indicator of lower aggression. 

But Teasing is Not Good for Gelotophobes

People who don’t enjoy being teased don’t thrive among those who are “funny” by nature. They (gelotophobes) tend to distrust “lightness or silliness,” says Proyer, making them prone to disagreements with their partners based on misunderstandings and misinterpretations.  Proyer advises gelotophobes to date people with similar personalities while also trying to build up “more positive experiences with laughter.” 

Sexual Satisfaction and Humor Traits

Bauer and Proyer also reported that male partners were less satisfied with their sex life if their partner was afraid of being laughed at.  Apparently their partner’s insecurities make them less appealing. In contrast, women who loved being laughed at were more attracted to and enjoyed higher sexual satisfaction with their partner.

Pair Up With a Similar Comedic Sensibility

Fundamentally, Proyer suggests it may be best if people pair up with those who have a similar comedic sensibility. If they are aligned, no matter how funny or somber they are, they’re more likely to have a workable relationship.

What Does Sense of Humor Mean?

When people say that they want to be with someone who has a sense of humor, they don’t necessarily mean someone who laughs at the same things. They mean someone who has a positive attitude and can see good where others might tend to see the negative, complain or feel overwhelmed.  They want someone with a “self-enhancing” style.

Being Attracted to the Same Type of Humor is a Bonus

Although not a deal-breaker, relationships may be enhanced if partners are attracted to the same kinds of humor.

We found that married couples who shared a similar style of humor tended to have happier and more successful relationships in their first few years of marriage.  ~ Study by eharmony 

Types of Humor – Which Ones Do You Share With Your Partner?

According to research by the dating site eharmony and a comedy training offered online (Udemy) by Phillipe Schaffer, there are approximately 12 types of humor.  They are not mutually exclusive; they often present in combination.  What do you and your partner find funny?  

The Not-So-Dirty Funny Dozen

1. Physical humor:
Also referred to as slapstick, this type of humor involves physicality – from clowns to mimes to funny facial expressions to someone falling over.

2. Self-deprecating humor:
This type is a favorite among stand-up comedians; making yourself the butt of a joke.

3. Surreal humor:

This humor is weird, with illogical events, absurd situations, or nonsensical themes. Or just plain silly.  It may include a non-sequitur (inference that does follow logically).

 4. Improvisational humor:

This is comedy without a plan — jokes made up on the spot. 

 5. Wit-Wordplay humor:

This type of humor uses a play on words — twisting language around with humorous results.  Puns are a typical example of wordplay.

 6. Satire:

Satire uses irony, sarcasm, and caricature to highlight real-life vices and flaws.    (Irony is saying something and meaning the opposite; or an outcome that is the opposite of what is expected.)

5. Parody:

Parody humor mocks something through imitation and may use elements of satire (such as sarcasm and irony). 

6. Topical humor:
Topical humor is based on current events or trends (Saturday Night Live, especially Weekend Update).  Most sketch comedy shows or late-night talk shows are topical. 

7. Observational humor:
This humor pokes fun at everyday life.   Jokes about sex and relationships are often observational and highlight uncomfortable or embarrassing truths.

10. Bodily humor:
This humor has everything to do with bodily functions. It tends to be popular with men and teenagers.

11. Dark humor: 
Also called black comedy or gallows humor, this type involves serious, morbid, or depressing themes and often uses deadpan, self-deprecation, or satire to mock a terrible situation or possibility.

“Cremation: my last hope for a smoking hot body.”

12.   Deadpan humor:
Dry humor, defined more by its delivery – with no change in emotion.  The incongruence of the delivery to the content is what is funny.

Sense of Humor Mismatch

Not sharing a sense of humor isn’t always a problem for couples, but it can be. If you and your partner don’t usually find the same things funny, watch for the signs (below) of serious incompatibility.

If your partner doesn’t get your jokes, that is one thing.  But if you feel like your partner doesn’t get “you,” that is another, much more serious, issue. Your partner doesn’t have to sit on the couch and laugh at Saturday Night Live with you, but if they sigh and roll their eyes every time they see you watching Saturday Night Live, you could have a problem.

Aggressive Humor Against Partner is a Bad Sign

You definitely have a problem if your partner’s sense of humor frequently makes you feel:

  • insecure
  • put down, judged, or devalued
  • patronized
  • excluded
  • offended

If you often feel this way when your partner is trying to be funny (or, incidentally, at other times), you should question how compatible you truly are and whether this relationship is healthy for you. 

What’s the bottom line about love and laughing?

Whether your relationship works well probably has less to do with whether you always laugh at the same things than whether you:

  • communicate well
  • respect and affirm each other
  • find each other attractive
  • enjoy spending time together
  • resolve your differences effectively

If you don’t share a sense of humor, but you love being with your partner, take heart!  Your relationship is probably on solid ground. Over time, you may even find yourself laughing at more of the same things. Humor compatibility and shared jokes often develop organically over time.

Humor Created Together

Humor created by a couple together may be more important than appreciating humor overall.

Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas looked at the results of 39 studies on humor that included over 15 thousand people and couples worldwide. 

Hall found that what matters is the humor that couples create together: sharing funny stories about your day, remembering things you think your partner would find funny, or having a storehouse of inside jokes.  It’s not about being a great comedian, but finding what’s funny in every day and enjoying it together.

The bottom line is it is good to have humor.  It’s better to see it in your partner. And it’s best to share it.

 Humor for Mate Selection and Relationship Maintenance – Overview
chart describing humor in human mating
References

Cohan, C.L., & Bradbury, T. N. (1997)  “Negative life events, marital interaction, and the longitudinal course of newlywed marriage.”  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(1), 144-128.

Li, N. et al. (2009). “An evolutionary perspective on humor: Sexual selection or interest indication?”  Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 35, 923-936.

 Martin, R.A. (2006). The Psychology of Humor: An Integrative Approach.

Campbell, L., Martin, R.A., & Ward, J.A. (2008).  “An observational study of humor used during a conflict discussion.  Personal Relationships, 15, 41-55.

Appendix
Summary of Prior Post – Humor and Sexual Selection
  • Humor is valued for mates worldwide.
  • Men produce humor to attract women. Men are motivated to be funny.
  • Humor production by men signals creativity, playfulness, mental health, potential generosity, intelligence, and genetic fitness.
  • Women want a humor “generator.” Men want a humor “appreciator.”
  • Men find women more attractive when they laugh.
  • Females are more discriminating (more “choosey”) than men about humor.
  • Female laughter is a signal of sexual interest.
  • Judgments of humor are affected by the person’s initial attraction and interest.
  • Humor is most effective if a person (she) is already attracted to the person (man).
  • Synchronized laughter predicted mutual attraction, but the amount of female laughter predicted the level of interest in dating.
  • Women do not have a preference for humorous female friends.
  • When ovulating, women may prefer funny “poor” men for short-term liaisons over non-funny (richer) men.
  • Women laugh more generally, and both sexes laugh more at men.
  • In mixed company, women tease more generally and direct more teasing toward men.
  • Aggressive humor by women may be a threat to men.
  • Women and men are equally funny and appreciate humor equally.
  • Women use more stories, narratives, puns, and self-deprecating humor.
  • Men use more one-liners and physical/active humor.
  • Men tease other men to gain the upper hand; men use humor to derogate rivals.
  • Men who cause other men to laugh in mixed company have increased status.
  • Self-deprecating humor is considered most attractive, especially for a high-status man.
  • Sarcasm or ridicule of others is considered the least attractive humor.
  • Humor increases the attraction of a less physically attractive man or a man of low status.
  • Verbal intelligence and humor predicted an increase in lifetime sexual partners for men.
  • Women initiate sex more with funny men and have more sex with funny men.
  • Sex with humorous men increased the likelihood of female orgasm.

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