Love’s secret is always lifting its head out from under the covers — ‘Here I am!’ ~ Rumi

I am excited to share the wisdom of relationship experts in my new blog space, Tips for Couples. If you like “top ten” lists or bite-size pieces of advice, you will enjoy this new category. Presented primarily as fundamental laws or “commandments,” these ideas, if internalized, can bring relationship satisfaction and harmony. Some of the ideas will seem obvious or basic. The power comes from allowing the idea to penetrate with honest reflection. Common sense is not common practice. Relationship experts made these suggestions with that in mind.

Tips for Couples will help me realize one piece of my mission: “to bridge the best of couple’s psychotherapy and sexual psychology to address pressing and recurring opportunities in ongoing relationship satisfaction.”  I will continue to post content in the Relationship Issues category to “explore and bring clarity to issues of gender politics and the tension between men women related to roles, power, and sexual strategies.” But unlike Relationship Issues, Tips for Couples will offer more direct suggestions for behavior and attitude change. As I post in Tips for Couples, I may chime in with commentary on what the experts say.

Co-Creative Relationship

One of the stated assumptions of Mating Straight Talk is that men and women need radical honesty  “to empower one another for co-creative relationships.” Going forward in Tips for Couples, I will underscore and define the concept of a “co-creative” relationship described 30 years ago by Susan Campbell in The Couple’s Journey.

Three Pillars for Co-Creation

 My interpretation of a “co-creative” relationship rests on three pillars:

1. Most importantly, the first pillar is the quality of face-to-face intimacy. As depicted by my website’s hero image, the first pillar is looking at one another with presence, acceptance, and honesty.

2. Being a couple is an amalgamation of forces — not only of attachment but also differentiation. The second pillar is looking away from one another (“back-to-back”) in those moments of individual growth as a separate person – doing your own thing and filling up your cup of energy and creativity to bring back to the relationship.

3. There is also being side-by-side, looking out together at the same field of shared purpose – working together for a greater good and often for something bigger than the couple itself. That is the third pillar and ultimate act of co-creation.

While Tips for Couples will focus most on the quality of face-to-face connection, you will see the background of all three pillars in the expert wisdom presented.

So, let’s get started.

The Ten Commandments of Couple Relationships – John and Julie Gottman*

1. “Thou shalt treat your partner as an equal, communicating respect, admiration, and affection all of your days.

2. Thou shalt often ask open-ended questions of your partner to update your knowledge of your partner’s inner world and continually create a sense of shared meaning and life purpose with your partner.

3. Thou shalt turn toward your partner’s bids for emotional connection with your attention, interest, conversation, humor, emotional support, and intimacy at least 86% of the time. [John Gottman is a precise researcher.]

4. Thou shalt play and have fun and adventure together all your days.

5. Thou shall not avoid conflict, but instead, deal with conflict constructively and cooperatively while avoiding the attack-defend mode as much as possible.

6. Thou shall diligently repair regrettable incidents that will inevitably happen in your relationship by stating your feelings and needs gently and listening empathically and non-defensively to your partner.

7. Thou shall know and honor your partner’s life dreams.

8. Thou shall continue to court your partner and build romance, passion, and a personal sexual connection (so your sex is often love-making).

9. Thou shall not covet anything that is thy neighbor’s (especially they neighbor’s partner) or compare your partner unfavorably to real or imagined others (thus nurturing resentment). Instead, thou shalt cherish your partner (thus nurturing gratitude); thou shall invest in your relationship; thou shall denigrate alternative relationships, and thou shall put a wide fence between yourself and other emotional or sexual entanglements. [I do not support the denigration of other people or alternative lifestyles and do not think that is what the Gottmans mean in this context. SF]

10. Thou shall not commit adultery. It’s really not worth it, and it’s damn hard to repair.”

So what ideas from this post resonate with you as significant for your growth edge? Which pillar most draws your attention? Which commandments are easy for your flow as a couple? Which commandments do you need to work on? Thank you for “turning toward” my curiosity and posting a comment.

-Notes

*From Ten Commandments for Every Aspect of Your Relationship Journey (2012), edited by Jeffrey Zeig and Tami Kulbatski.

John Gottman, Ph.D. is world-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction.  He is the author or co-author of 200 published academic articles and 40 books, including the bestselling, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.   He is co-founder of the Gottman Relationship Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.  Julie Gottman is a widely recognized expert on marriage, sexual harassment and rape, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues.

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