May 2020 - Mating Straight Talk

Sexual Non-concordance: Recipe for Relationship Confusion

by Steven Fearing | May 19, 2020 | Dating & Mating Economy, Relationship Issues, Sexuality

As a man, have you tried to make love to a woman that “seemed” turned-on but actually was not?

As a woman, have you endured sexual contact you did not want even though the man was convinced your body signaled otherwise?

As a man, have you ever hesitated to escalate sexual activity because the woman’s body was not giving you the green light?

As a woman, have you ever been frustrated that a man was sexually tepid, cautious, or lost interest because your body did not respond to him, even though you were very ready for sex?

Men and Women Are Different – the Science of Non-Concordance

Men and women are quite different in the degree of alignment (“concordance”) between their subjective sexual desire and physiological sexual arousal. According to preeminent sex educator and author Emily Nagoski (Come as You Are, 2015) and other researchers, women have very random or little concordance (10%) between their physical sexual arousal and psychological sexual desire. A woman may be lubricated or have genital vasocongestion and not be psychologically turned-on. Conversely, a woman who is not lubricated may actually be subjectively in a state of desire.

The prevalence of female sexual non-concordance can cause immense confusion in sexual interactions, especially for male partners. Consent cannot be inferred or ruled out by the evidence of physiological arousal or lack thereof.

Two Systems

Non-concordance is about the relationship between the peripheral system, the genitals, and the central system, the brain: they are two separate but interconnected systems. The relationship between these two systems is different for women and men. For women, the two systems are not necessarily in sync; for men, they mostly are. Men are indeed more simple in this regard — more transparent and obvious in their sexual interest and intent.

Nagoski’s research is primarily focused on exploring, explaining, and normalizing female non-concordance — an overlap of subjective arousal and physiological arousal of only ten percent. But she asserts that men have 50% concordance (overlap) between their physical arousal and psychological desire. Anecdotal evidence (there is less research on men) reveals male concordance closer to 80%, rather than 50%.

Male Sexual Non-concordance?

When a man gets an erection during sleep (nocturnal penile tumescence – NPT) or wakes up with an erection (a common phenomenon that decreases with age), it is likely the result of daily fluctuations in testosterone levels, says neuroscientist, Louann Brizendine. These erections are different from true sexual arousal because they originate from testosterone receptors that live on nerve cells in a man’s spinal cord, testicles, penis, and brain. NPT (“morning wood”) is not related to sexual thoughts, dreams, or stimulation. It is the result of the sleep cycle, combined with healthy nerves and blood flow.

If a man has a regular day-time erection (as opposed to NPT), it is nearly guaranteed that he is psychologically turned-on by some sexually relevant stimulus. A female partner would not likely be confused about the presence of a sexual context or his level of interest and consent. Conversely, a man without an erection is not subjectively turned-on in most cases. His body and subjective experience are concordant; they are in agreement. When a man experiences erectile dysfunction (ED) caused by actual vascular problems, it may be possible that subjective desire is present. Although the overlay of stress and anxiety about ED will likely impede the experience of desire.

Female Sexual Non-concordance – Tricky Relationship Dynamics

According to Nagoski, female genital response (what she calls expecting) does not equate with being subjectively “turned on.” Again, there can be physiological arousal with vasocongestion (blood flow and swelling) of the genitals and/or lubrication of the vagina, and yet the woman does not experience psychological desire.

Nagoski says this genital response is a conditioned reflex. Blood flow to the genitals indicates the woman has been exposed to something the brain interprets as sexually relevant, with no “opinion” about whether she liked whatever or whoever was present at the time.

“Lubrication Error” #1 – False Positive

With this “error”, the woman’s body is responding positively (physiological arousal and “expecting”) but she is not turned on. She is not in a state of desiring or wanting. “My body is aroused and expecting, but I am not enjoying it.”

This can cause immense confusion for men about a woman’s interest and consent for sexual activity, especially if she has acted with sexual interest in the past or in that present moment.

Nagoski uses the movie Fifty Shades of Gray as an example of this: Anastasia did not like the spanking she got from Gray. She felt demeaned, debased, and abused. But Grey inserts his finger in her vagina and apparently feels lubrication – so as to convince her that she liked it. Nagoski asserts that was a big error in reading sexual signals in that encounter (as opposed to other scenes in the movie). Lubrication means it was sexually relevant, not that is was sexually appealing.

Obviously, this error in understanding a woman’s actual consent has immense relevance to the incidence and prosecution of sexual assault and rape.

Nagoski: “Bodies do not say yes or no, they only say, “that’s sexually relevant, without any comment on whether it was appealing, much less whether it is wanted.” A penis in a vagina is sexually relevant, though it may be unappealing, unwanted, and unwelcome. There is no wanting necessary for a genital response.”

“Lubrication Error” #2 – False Negative

Genital non-response also does not indicate a lack of enjoyment!

“My body is not responding, is seeming not aroused, but I am actually enjoying it. I want you to proceed without delay!” Subjectively the woman is in a state of desire. There is no arousal, “expecting,” or lubrication, and yet there is wanting. This error is most common for post-menopausal women.

While this error does not create a violation of consent, it does create immense frustration for both partners. The man is getting no signs of wetness. She is likely to get frustrated at his lack of assertion or insertion. Inextricably linked to her own turn-on, she wants to be wanted by him. He is second-guessing himself and loses his sense of potency and self-confidence. He does not know how to please her and he no longer knows how to please himself, even if, ironically, that is actually what she wants from him. (I have been there.)

How to Prevent Errors of Sexual Non-concordance (Miscommunication)?

Nagoski has little to recommend to women to better understand a man’s intent and readiness because that is not a common problem. For men, her recommendation (in a woman’s voice) is simple: “What my genitals are doing doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with how I feel. Thirty years of research confirms this. So please pay attention to my words, not my vagina.”

The void created by the failure to communicate is soon filled with poison, drivel, and misrepresentation. ~ C. Northcote Parkinson.

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Mate Switching Hypothesis

by Steven Fearing | May 5, 2020 | Dating & Mating Economy

Revisiting Female Short-term Mating Strategy & Infidelity

Why do women cheat on their partners?

A long-standing hypothesis in evolutionary psychology asserted that women seek extra-pair copulations (infidelity) in order to secure resources from another man or acquire good genes from him for potential offspring.

But do women really seek better genes from another man? That part of the female “short-term mating strategy” has come into question.

New Statistics for Non-paternity

New data from DNA fingerprinting technology suggests only 2-3% of children come from men other than the husband or primary partner. It appears women get genes and investment from exactly the same guy — their primary partner.

While the female short-term mating strategy may still feature acquisition of additional resources, there are other clues to explain the infidelity of women as reported by evolutionary psychologist David Buss.

Buss cites these clues:

Women who are sexually or emotionally unhappy have affairs.
This is not true for men. Men do not often report marital unhappiness as a reason for an affair. According to Buss, men can be relatively happy in their marriage and still have affairs. There is no difference in marital or sexual happiness between men who have affairs and men who do not. The issue of emotional dissatisfaction appears to be specific to women.
70% of women become emotionally involved with or fall in love with their affair partner.
In contrast, only about 30% of men do.
The qualities desired by women in an affair partner are identical, or nearly identical, to qualities desired in a long-term mate.
This is not true for men. For example, women usually want intelligence in an affair partner. For men, intelligence in an affair partner is mostly irrelevant.

Desiring the same qualities in an affair partner further supports the view that the female long-term mating strategy is significantly more adaptive in evolution than the short-term mating strategy. (See background notes below.)

So, what may be driving a woman to have an affair?

New research posits a different matrix of motivations, called the “mate switching hypothesis.” Women have affairs, in part, to switch mates.

Preparing for “the Switch” — Partner Insurance

David Buss and Cindy Meston report (Why Women Have Sex) that women have affairs to test the waters to see if there is someone better out there for them, to attempt to “trade-up” for a better partner. Women have affairs if they think their relationship may be dissolving. And women cultivate “back-up mates.” As Buss likes to joke in quoting a female research participant, “men are like soup; you always want to have some on the back burner.” (See page: Why Women Have Sex.)

Nicole Wedberg’s research on heterosexual women while at SUNY New Paltz called this “partner insurance” – the cultivation of a back-up boyfriend, or “Mr. Plan B.” Wedberg found that 20% of women in committed relationships will report having a Mr. Plan B. One of the predictors included low relationship satisfaction. Wedberg builds on the work of Dibble et al (2015) that found college women have on average 3.78 Plan Bs.*

Returning to Clue #1

Women unhappy in their current relationship may cheat in order to feel alive and expand their sense of self, says Esther Perel in State of Affairs. Affairs are seen as acts of rebellion or bursts of freedom that release constraints. In Perel’s words, an emotionally dissatisfied woman “is not looking for another person as much as looking for another self.” Yet, another person who demonstrates a desire for a woman is a powerful new elixir for self-esteem. Affairs magnify the difference between being loved and being wanted.

Even in a search for a “new self,” the motivation to switch mates is easily triggered if there is sexual and emotional unhappiness. Female choice in mate selection is the most powerful force on the planet. What on the stove? Partner insurance. Tasty and willing Mr. Plan B. Soups on. Make the switch?

Post-script and Background Notes

The predominant theory in evolutionary psychology suggests humans have both long-term and short-term mating strategies that operate as concurrent functions sensitive to context and environmental conditions.

Women’s long-term mating strategy is a more predominant evolutionary adaptation than is their short-term strategy; it is driven by genetic characteristics and interests of our species: internal fertilization, an extended period of gestation, prolonged infant dependence on mother’s milk, and the need for relatively “high” male parental investment (compared to other primates). A woman’s long-term strategy seeks protection and a provision of resources from a mate. It also seeks character traits that ensure stability and loyalty to her and her children over the long-term.

As an evolutionary adaptation, men’s short-term mating strategy seeks more immediate sexual access to a variety of partners. This view has not changed among evolutionary psychologists. Research clearly supports the view that men seek more sexual partners than women.

Tension Between Preference for Resources and Character

This blog post reconsiders and updates the “dual hypothesis” for the female short-term mating strategy: seeking resources and/or genes from a partner other than the primary partner.

But what is more salient in mate selection and relationship satisfaction is the tension between two preferences INSIDE the female long-term strategy: resources and character. Resources and character are often dueling, competing preferences that necessitate trade-offs and compromise for most women in choosing a mate.

We know that men still commit infidelity more than women, although women seem to be closing the gap in modern times. The reasons for this run a gamut of psychological, sociological, cultural, and economic issues. Switching mates appears to be one adaptive strategy in response to the changing rules of heterosexual partnership.

*Dibble, et al (2015, June 11). Simmering on the back burner: communication with and disclosure of relationship alternatives. Communication Quarterly, 63(3), 329-344.